A
male
age
36-40,
*onystarkben
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for a while and all is great. She was prom queen at her school so you can imagine how i felt when we started dating. She is 21 and i am 26. Before we met, she was with a jackass for about 4 years, they broke up, she was single for 6 months and then she met me.She has told me that within those 6 months she did party a lot and kiss guys at bars and went home with a different guy on 3 separate occasions. She also told me that she joined dating sites and met some guys off there, she kissed some, some nothing happened except her sending underwear photos that sort of thing.She told me this last night and i was like " oh right" - she said that she needed to let off some steam as she had been with her ex so long and he never satisfied her or made time for her and she wanted to be single but she soon got bored of it. She said she loves me and she would never go with a guy behind my back or anything.I have seen messages on her phone and fb etc when she's left it open at my house and guys have asked her out etc but she has always said no, i have a boyfriend.I can't really talk as before we met i was with a different girl every week but this whole thing has made me feel a bit funny. Is it jealousy? i can't figure it out.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): Highschool ended 8 years ago for you. You need to see a counselor and work on whatever issues you are holding onto from your childhood. Until you work through these things, you will be unable to have mature age-appropriate relationships.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 Actually, what you said right at the start reveals what's happening with you now:
"She was prom queen at her school so you can imagine how i felt when we started dating."
What you're feeling is straight-up extreme insecurity. You can't shake the whole "she's out of my league" feeling that most prom queens made other guys feel when around them. You're still feeling that, and you're terrified that she's going to get bored with you and say "yes" to these other guys who ask her out.
I will say this as firmly and directly as I possibly can:
STOP YOUR SNOOPING ON HER RIGHT NOW.
Really? You want to torch your relationship with her? Invading her privacy and rifling through her phone and FB is the best way for you to get dumped and abhorred by her, so don't do it. That is unbelievably stupid of you to do, and it *has* to stop immediately.
That being said, quit picking at her because of your insecurity. Only you can deal with that within yourself, and trying to burden her with it and making her constantly reassure you, massage your insecure ego, and prove her love for you is true will drive her away from you.
So what if she had meaningless sexual fun while she was single? So did you! Concentrate more on what you have in common instead of hovering nervously over her convinced that a "better" guy will take her from you like a bigger dog taking a little dog's bone away.
Concentrate on the PRESENT. So what if her former boyfriend was a jackass. So what if she did some partying. So what if she was a prom queen! Who cares! All that matters is that she is with you now, and that she is FAITHFUL. All else is irrelevant. If you don't discipline your mind and emotions to overcome your insecurity, then you'll lose her.
Enjoy the moment with her, and remember, she's lucky to have you too. Be secure and happy in that thought. And leave her privacy alone! The best way to get intimate is by TALKING, not snooping.
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