A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know that my girlfriend of almost 1 and a half years is controlling/manipulative/insecure/etc...and that 99.9% of me knows that I'll inevitably break up with her, but I am the kind of person that wants to have no regrets and exhaust all measures before throwing in the towel. First the positives: she is very loyal, is family oriented, is very attractive, we have similar long-term goals, and we are both in the medical field. Now the negatives: She won't let me watch porn, let me go to a strip club, or let me attend a guys-only bachelor party. She catches me doing any of the above-said activities even once--GAME OVER. That stuff really doesn't bother me and I can do without to make this relationship work (and to her credit, she was very honest with me before we became official that this is the type of girl she was). What really drives me insane is that anytime I want to hang out with my friends and she can't be there, she throws a fit and makes it a point to let me know how bothered she is that I am going somewhere without her (and I end up not going in fear of facing the reprocussions). She'd rather either I be doing the activity with her or do it by myself. I'm not talking hitting the bars or clubs with my dude friends or anything to that extreme. I'm talking about she's "not okay" with me doing little stuff such as going over to a friend's house to play video games, drink, or play poker, or go to the beach without her. She has gotten SLIGHTLY better as the relationship progressed as she has been allowing me to go golfing or fishing or hanging out (but absolutely NO drinking), but I'm only allowed to engage in these activites with maximum ONE friend at a time--any time there will be 2 or more other friends involved, she's not okay with it. She claims that she trusts me, she just doesn't trust my friends because they are in relationships where their girlfriends let them do whatever they want (my group of friends are all young professionals in serious relationships). Her trust issues stem from her having a bad relationship with her father (apparently he is just emotionally abusive towards her) and her ex-ex-boyfriend really "messed" with her mind. Trust me, I try my best to stick up for myself and we have had many arguments over this stuff. I have been honest with her and told her that her insecurities are holding our relationship hostage and that I'm becoming increasingly miserable. She always ends up apologizing at the end of the night for her behavior. The funniest part is the next day, she acts like everything is fine, talks about how much she loves me, how glad she is that I am in her life, and talks about marriage and can't understand why I haven't put a ring on her finger yet (she always throws a 2 day silent temper tantrum anytime anybody she knows gets engaged)...while I think to myself, things have to get A LOT better for this to work out in the long run. She has been hearing wedding bells since the first day we have started dating and pretty much has our entire wedding planned out. She's getting ready to move into my apt in a few weeks. She knows she's insecure/jealous/controlling but she doesn't seem to want to change at all. She has seen a counselor because during past relationships everyone told her how crazy she is, but the counselor UNBELIEVABLY told her that her behaviors are normal, allowing her to validate her own behavior. During our arguments, anytime I stick up for myself and tell her that she is being controlling she gets immediately defensive and comes back with "If you don't like it, then break up with me....I'm not like the american girls (she's half cuban) you're used to dating that let's their bf's do whatever they want". I have given her no reason not to trust me, I show her affection frequently and try my best to make her feel secure but she claims she won't feel secure until I put a ring on her finger (trust me, i recognize this as more manipulative behavior and don't give in). So my question(s). I feel like maybe I'm not doing the right things to make her feel secure/not jealous (and I'm not talking putting a ring on her finger). Any advice on how to make her feel more secure? Can anybody relate to my situation and has anything worked to resolve your issues or have they all inevitably resulted in breaking up? I feel like I'm the only in a relationship like this because all my other friends are dating "american girls" and their gf's "let" them do whatever they want and don't monitor their every move when they are hanging out together in a big group, and "let" them comment on celebrities, and let them watch stupid movies (like american pie, she's outta my league, spartacus) etc....thanks for any advice....
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emotionally abusive, engaged, her ex, insecure, jealous, porn, video games, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): ”they'll change if XYZ happens but we all know that people can't change who they are.“
People can and do change if they are ready to and if they want to and if they're with the right partner. You don't sound like you're the right partner for this woman.
”Quite frankly (and shallowly), my girlfriend is extremely good-looking and maybe that is a reason I'm trying to ride this out and hope things "change".“
You do sound pretty selfish/shallow. Why don't you just be a man and let her go now. Stop using her for your own needs. I see a lot of analyzing about what her problems are or may be, but nothing regarding how you are contributing to all of this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback on the situation. You hear all the time the other person saying they'll change if XYZ happens but we all know that people can't change who they are. So, I appreciate the anecdotal stories you all provide of relationships that are similar and they sound just like the situation I am in. I can really relate to what Jen1689 is saying as my girlfriend has to be in control of everything. Quite frankly (and shallowly), my girlfriend is extremely good-looking and maybe that is a reason I'm trying to ride this out and hope things "change". Problem is, over the past year she has put on about 15-20# and now she is extremely insecure about her weight (even though she is normal weight now--not even above #140). So, that has been another burden. We go to the beach often and she is the only one wearing long pants and a t-shirt. I haven't seen her in a bikini in over a year. She is starting to wear baggy clothing when we go out. And all these distorted views she has of herself are completely unfounded. There are a tons of girls out there that would die to have her body--but she doesn't see it that way. Also, stemming from this, things have gone downhill in the bedroom in the past year. It needs to be very dark in the room and she tries to keep herself covered so I don't see her. And she seems like she really doesn't enjoy sex because she's so worried about what she looks like. And again, no need for me to bring these issues to her attention because she is FULLY aware that she is crazy/insecure, she has made it a point to tell me that's how she is and doesn't know if she'll ever change.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (6 April 2011):
 Okay, so I answered you previous post, but apparently you didn't get the answers you were looking for, or they just weren't clear for you. BREAK UP WITH HER. Insecurity is an ugly thing that stems from a person's view of themselves and their inability to control it. You cannot change that for your girlfriend if she's not willing to make some changes for herself.I've struggled my entire life with insecurity issues. They've taken many forms over the years. I've had three eating disorders (one which I'm still struggling with). I've used gobs and gobs of makeup. I've had extensions. I've used fake tanner (to the point of being nearly black). I've dyed my hair every color from red to white blonde to black. I've monitored internet browsing and obsessed over exes of my partners. None of this changed for me because someone else wanted it for me. I had to learn to want it for myself. My fiance has helped me, yes, but there are times when I relapse with my E.D. and he's not at all in my thoughts. I'm going to therapy now (again) because I know I need help. I'm surprised my fiance hasn't left me yet.Keep in mind, I'm not a bad girlfriend. I put not restrictions on him whatsoever. I've never been the kind of girl to not allow my partner's to have female friends, go out to bars, watch porn, etc. We're all people, and as a society, we're taught to notice attractive people. I probably check-out more attractive women than my fiance does. Not because I'm bi or gay, but because it's what we've been taught to look for and notice.I'm sorry to say it, but your girlfriend is not just going to one day wake up and realize that she needs to change her ways. If she stops with the controlling ways towards you, she'll want to control something else (her weight, maybe), which could develop into an eating disorder. Her insecurities are part of who she is. They're what she sees in herself, and what she sees in herself compared to others and what she thinks you see. YOU cannot change her view of who she is. SHE has to do that for herself. You said it yourself, you've done NOTHING to betray her trust, and you've done EVERYTHING to make her feel secure. So why doesn't she?Until she decides that she wants to better herself and better her view of herself, nothing you do is going to convince her that she's secure with you or with anyone. And I HIGHLY suggest that you don't propose to her, especially when she throws fits about OTHERS getting engaged.I was OBSESSED with my partner's ex for over a year, and even after he proposed to me, my obsession didn't die down. It's because my obsession had nothing to do with his commitment to me or with his ex, it was all about my insecurities (which I'm now getting help for). I know you're probably thinking I'm hypocritical to tell you to break up with her when my fiance stuck with me when I was super-insecure and at my worst. The thing is, if I had put my fiance through what your girlfriend is putting you through now (control issues and ridiculous relationship rules), he wouldn't have stuck around. Because believe it or not, that's what his ex put him through that he couldn't stand, and that's what makes an abusive relationship. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around this girl.Just break up with her and tell her that, while you love her and want things to work out, she needs to work on herself first. She needs to make sure she gets her insecurities under control and learns how to better herself through them rather than damaging your relationship to make her feel worthy of it. Please, please take this advice to heart. If you love your girlfriend, you will want her to feel better about herself, which won't come from you bending over backwards like you're doing. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Do her a favor and end it now. Prolonging the breakup prolongs her pain/fear. End it and let the healing begin.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Some of her requests are not obsessive or unreasonable imo. Not watching porn and not going to strip clubs are reasonable requests. Never going anywhere with more than one friend is not reasonable. I guess it depends on what your friends are like and if they're trouble makers or not. Real friends respect their friend's relationships and they don't interfere.
My advice is to break up because it's obvious neither of you are going to be happy together. If you don't want to marry her then stop dragging this out and find someone who you're more compatible with and let her find someone she who she will be happier with and feel more secure with.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 Oh wow...are you dating my aunt from 20 years ago? Because this sounds EXACTLY like her!!
The bad news first. Its very, very difficult for your G/f to change. Baseless insecurities just get worse with time and more and more ridiculous. She wont let you hang out with more than 1 friend, you cant go anywhere without her...man this is insane!! This is not a normal, healthy relationship!! And I'v seen this same thing play out at my own home so I know how difficult this situation is going to be!!
My aunt is the same as your G/f, I dont know why my uncle tolerates her even now!! She rules him with an iron hand, he's a doctor and attends conferences all over the world. She makes sure she goes EVERYWHERE with him, she doesn't even let him have a conversation with his own family without her presence. She doubts everyone around him, she wants everything that money can buy, yet she's tremendously insecure, even though there is no reason to be. Their children are suffering,(the older kid is undergoing treatment for depression) she doesnt give a damn about them, she just wants her husband beside her 24/7, so she can monitor him, even though there's NO reason for this bizarre behavior.
Sometimes people are so messed up, no matter what you do, is never good enough for them. A normal, healthy relationship doesnt mean doubts or suspicions or trying to manipulate or control your partner. Your other friends' G/fs' who "let" them do whatever they want and don't monitor their every move are what regular, secure girlfriends are like!! I never go out with my B/f when he's with his friends because thats HIS personal space with the guys! He can have a few beers and hang out with them and spend an evening...which is fine!
Remember OP, obsessiveness is never normal. And now the good news. You're a great guy. I mean, I dont know how you're still hanging in there, but thats your call. There's nothing more that you can do to make her feel "secure". If you think this might work out, be the way you are. She *might* change a little, but chances are slim.
Good luck!!
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