A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:this is a very personal question, but i really need advice. does anyone have any experience dating someone who's been a victim of sexual abuse? or if anyone who is brave enough to talk about it and has survived cares to share, that would be great, as well.my girlfriend is a victim of sexual abuse and i have no idea what to do. when she gets in her lows, i feel like there's not a thing i can do to help. in fact, i just feel like i make it worse. when she's down, and i ask if she's okay, she snaps at me for checking on her. says she doesn't want to talk about it. if i just try to hug her or tell her how beautiful and strong she is, it just seems like i'm in the way. i feel like i'm going through the ups and downs with her and i feel hopeless. like i'm failing her or not handling it right. i am truly lost. one minute we are happy and laughing and great. the next, she's depressed and down and wants nothing to do with me or anyone. i don't want to leave her. but i have no idea how much longer i can hang on. i'm starting to become depressed all the time. any advice or help would be so appreciated. thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2013): I was abused as a child. Emotionally, physically and somewhat sexually by my mom. She would touch me inappropriately as a "joke" or just be too touchy feely in a seductive way. The thing with sexual abuse is that it usually goes hand in hand with physical and emotional abuse. People who abuse you usurp all your rights and give you no boundaries. It leaves you feeling worthless with a crippled self esteem. And leaves you very confused. Because they are usually someone very close to you and they disguise the abuse as an act of "love." And they usually abuse people who are weaker than them, who can't speak for themselves, who can be easily manipulated, like children. People who were abused usually fair better if they at least have one person in their life who did show them love and normalcy and appropriate boundaries. This could be a grandparent, a sane parent. Do you know who abused her? The best thing is for her to cut all contact with the abuser even if it was a parent. And to have a strong support system who completely supports her feelings and backs her indignation. For me it was hard because when I cut contact with my mom I still had close family who kept in contact with her, who minimized what happened to me, and would encourage me to keep in contact with her because, "she is my mother." So I felt even more isolated and like my feelings were minimized. Fortunately I wasn't all isolated and had a lot of support from friends and family. She needs to realize this is more common than you think. She musn't let it consume her. She has a bright future, people like you who love her who won't take advantage of her. That's golden. But she needs to take the proper steps to start the healing process. Did she just find out or something? Step one is cut contact with the person who did this to her and anybody else who minimizes what happened. She also needs to talk about it and not let it fester inside her. And come to grips with it. This person did not love her. But she IS a loveable person. I'm not too keen on therapy, but most of my friends have a therapist and they all swear by it. Get her to a therapist, make the appointment for her. I don't believe in drugs but the therapist will put her on a small dosage of anti depressants which will initially help her come out of her funk. I've done it, it works. I know so many people who've done it too just to get them at a level head again. I swear it works. I think that is step one. Cut contact with abuser and anyone supporting the abuser. And get her to a therapist and on a dosage of anti depressants. I think if you can at least help her make that happen, you are both on the right track. The reason I ask you to help her do this is because when people are depressed and suffering trauma they have a hard time taking initiative and making decisions. It's like their body shuts down. They physically need someone to help them make that first step. After that if you both are still having trouble in your relationship then make a decision to cut your losses.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): Hi, i am sorry that you and your girlfriend are dealing with this. I was sexually abused as a child and it is an extremely hard and confusing thing to deal with, unfortunately it is hard to control your emotions and reactions. The way my boyfriend made it work was I was in counseling dealing with my issues, my boyfriend also got some professional help who helped him understand and know how to deal with the effects and how to deal with the effects. There is help out there that can give you the knowledge and help you need for your own health and for your relationship if you want to make it work. I have found a website for america that may have information which can help you.www.rainn.orgI hope this helps. It is an extremely hard situation to deal with. I hope it works out for you, remember that with help and hard work it is possible to get past this and to survive, I have survived and it does get better i promise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): hi there, I'm so sorry your gf has experienced such trauma.I think that you just need to take care of yourself when she gets down, and do not try to "fix" her, and do not try to "help" her, because you cannot. The more you try to alter her mood and reduce her pain, the worse you're making it. it looks like when she gets down she needs to be left alone, so that's what you should do, and just concentrate on dealing with your own feelings.that said, it is possible that you cannot have a relationship like this. Even though it's not her fault that she was the victim of trauma and gets triggered and reacts the way she does, that might just mean she isn't ready to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now. I hope she's getting counseling, but only she can decide if and when she wants to do it.
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