A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke it off with my long term girlfriend when she decided to move overseas. This was 4 years ago. For the next 2 years I saw a few other people, but nothing serious. For the whole time she was calling me telling me she was lonely and alone and would do anything to have me back. After 2 years we got back together and it was magic. She moved back in with me and after a year we got engaged. Everything was fine, until she left got out her old computer one day and left it open. She hadn't used it in a couple of years, and the last document, open on the desktop spoke about a 2 year relationship she had while we were separated, which she described as the best sex of her life, constantly. Going to sex partys, having lots of sex every day and night "he is amazing", doing all kinds of stuff we had never done, claiming I couldn't satisfy her like he could-but that she was in love with me and wanted me back. This all in the document - i couldnt stop reading it. Even the times we met up and tried it again, she was still with him having so much "amazing sex""making me cum like no-one can" and justifying doing this because "she was doing nothing wrong, and she wanted it". Now I feel terrible, and completely inadequate. I tried to talk to her and she got really upset about bringing up a "painful past". Any advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): I agree with Cerberus. "Painful past" sounds like a cop-out. I don't think anything about her past is causing her pain except the consequences of getting caught two-timing you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): If it were me, itd be something Id never be able to forget. Id move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): I love person12345's advice but personally I'd walk away because she was having sex with him at the same time as you and that to me is not on, regardless of whomever came out on top. I have no time for women who hedge their bets. You're either with me only or you're not.
I have to disagree on another point too. Painful past is a cop out. Doesn't exactly sound that painful on the document does it? Not exactly that painful if she didn't stop when you were trying to reconcile either.
I'd love to say let this go, I'd love to say don't talk to her again but this is not going to go away. She needs to at least explain the "painful past" thing.
Just be careful not ask for details of the sexual encounters, that is a pain you shouldn't endure.
For me personally she did do wrong, not by having lots sex or writing that document but by still having sex with him when you were trying to reconcile, that to me is a deal breaker. If she sees nothing wrong with doing that then you're in trouble, in my experience of women like that they will actually get with other guys behind your back instead of breaking up with you. You know? They might not want to be with you anymore but they won't let you go until they've found someone else. Acting that way always makes me question a girls loyalty and decision making. I wouldn't worry about the better sex thing, obviously you're better in many other different ways or she wouldn't have even gotten back with you and sex isn't a competition. Regardless of what most guys think you don't have to be a woman's best for her to love having sex with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): hey person12345, thank you. I read your words thinking that deep inside I knew it was true. I tried to bring it up, and it wasn't a good experience, so I snooped again and it made things much worse. I would never have considered snooping in my life, never have, but my imagination wouldn't let me sleep. The thing is, I feel like I didn't know this side of her...she isn't communicative at all, and maybe she thinks I wouldn't be into a great sex life, and I thought that she was a prude. So while it really hurts to know she was having the sex of her life, I feel like I can try much harder in the bedroom too?I feel really unconfident and inadequate, but I'm fairly sure that I'm not...its just been our own sex life, maybe we have been too scared to show our fantasies with each other...maybe, but she just won't open up to me in the bedroom, she says "it's the mans job to grab and make it happen" and that leaves me uninspired and its hard to make the first move..thanks so much for your answers. I know this might haunt me for a while, (first answer) and I really hope I can get over it, I will always wonder what went on in those parties, I hope I can live with it.... the fact is we really do love each other, I was so excited about getting married and having a family, and reading what I did there was never a moment where she doesn't say she loves me dearly and would do anything to get me back, and as for leaving it open on purpose, no, definately not...she was distraught...but I can't shake off the idea she might still crave wild "stranger" sex....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): I wish I could tell you that you can get over it. But I don't see that ever happening. She says the other guy was great, that hurts bad enough. But for her to be directly saying he was so much better than you . . come one, how are you ever supposed to feel okay about with that? You could be with this woman for 30 years and I bet that is still going to hurt just as much.Grinning and bearing it might make things easier on your GF but it won't do you any favors. I say bail out now before you get yourself dug in any deeper. You sound miserable. I don't see how that is ever going to change. You also sound taken aback by her doing those wild "sex parties" and promiscuous stuff without any cares. That is another thing that will probably haunt you for the rest of your time with her. It sounds like a real moral difference between you and her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): Random thought: did she leave it open on purpose to that? Was this document a diary?
I'm just thinking maybe she had some resentment from you rejecting her and this is a reminder going forward that if you do it again- she won't be home licking her wounds.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Unfortunately this is what happens when you snoop. You find out information that otherwise would have no impact on your relationship, but that hurts. Also as a reminder, you broke up with her and maintained that decision while she asked for you back.
So a couple things. 1) she called it a painful past. I know when guys hear about threesomes, sex parties, and anal sex (to name a few crazy things since you didn't specify), they instantly think porn fantasy adventure. But for a lot of women it can feel like being used and feel very unsatisfying and maybe even feel horrible. So with that part, I wouldn't read much into it.
2) Maybe this guy was good in bed. But what else? She didn't marry this guy and even while writing about him and his perks, she was thinking about you. Someone who is having truly mind blowing sex isn't coming home and writing about their ex. Do you think it's possible she was writing this because she was desperate to get you out of her mind and trying to move on? That sounds far more likely to me. Even to compare you with him, you wouldn't have been on her mind if she was smitten. Clearly you were still at the forefront of everything for her. She continued carrying this torch for you and no hook-ups or anything could erase that. There's more to sex than orgasms, there's love and it doesn't sound like she experienced that connection while she was gone (or she wouldn't be thinking of you, begging you back the whole time, and then come home and agreed to marry you).
You should not bring this up with her again and most important, NEVER go looking through that stuff again. Every time you look at it or look for it you will drive yourself more crazy. You're not going to find what you're looking for there, so don't try.
You should ask her for specific suggestions on how to rock her world in bed to boost your self-esteem and remember that no matter what happened, you were on her mind all the time while she was gone. You also have to make the decision to let this go. You can't punish her for this as she truly didn't do anything wrong. You were broken up and both seeing other people. I honestly don't think it will help you to talk about her past. But you should talk about how much you love each other, because she clearly does and always has.
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