A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years she is 20 i am 23 we have been having sex for around 2 months, she was a virgin and wanted to wait, but a conversation we had the other day has confused me slightly.She says to me that she doesnt want a kid cause we arent ready which is fine because i dont want one for a long time so we use condoms. However she will not use any other form of birth control, she has various reasons and excuses against all of them. We would still use condoms if she was using the pill etc but if she doesnt want a child then why not do everything you possibly can to prevent it? She even said the other day that if the condom rips then its just tough? That you don't do anything to stop it if it happens by which she means plan b etc you just simply put it up for adoption when it is born if you dont want it? Is this normal?If there was a male contraceptive other than condoms i would get it quicker than you could blink. I understand sex is a risk anyway but I just can't understand her reasoning not to do her part to reduce the risk, can anybody shed some light on this?
View related questions:
condom, the pill Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Yes your right about spermicide, not needed and no longer recommended in the UK.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 February 2012):
I don't think she knows much about contraception. It's her right not to take the pill, many women can't use it or don't like to take chemicals into their body. But pills and condoms aren't the only contraception available.
I think what she is saying is she doesn't want to take the pill because she's frightened about it's effect on her body. But at the same time, if she gets pregnant she doesn't want an abortion. To her, that only leaves adoption. But no, she needs more contraceptive advice and then there will be no pregnancy. She can take the morning after pill if the condom breaks.
There is no need for her to remain ignorant. Your in the UK, the NHS provides free contraception and advice, at the doctors and at Family Planning clinics. If she goes to the NHS they will give her the best advice about all of her options and what she can do in an emergency. If she is unlucky or careless enough to get pregnant, again the NHS will give her all the options about what to do with the pregnancy.
*NHS... http://www.nhs.uk/Pages/HomePage.aspx
Type in your postcode to find the location of your nearest family planning clinic. Contraception is available free, and emergency contraception (taken within 72 hours, but sooner is better, 24 hours is best) can help prevent pregnancy if you have unprotected sex. (note other forms of emergency contraception may also be available)
Please book an appointment with a clinic. If she won't go, the please go yourself. It's not called the pill clinic, it's the family planning clinic and men and women together or alone are welcome, even if it's just to get some advice. They love to see men, because few men seem to go.
She's worrying and making decisions with very little knowledge. Make the appointment today at least to set your mind at rest. In the meantime, use condoms with spermicide to give you added protection. (available at the chemist... not ky jelly or lubricant, you need the one that kills the sperm.)
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (13 February 2012):
 No there's no need to double up the pill + condoms, but condoms do occasionally fail. I refuse to take the pill because it makes me crazy, sick, and wrecks my libido (I've tried many brands, none worked). However, if the condom failed I would (and have) take ec in a heartbeat. It's better than an unplanned pregnancy.
I think it's important that you talk to her about what would happen if she were to get pregnant and make sure the solution is something you're both OK with. It would probably be good to go to a doctor/women's clinic to talk about various methods of contraception so she can learn more about them.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): It's her body and she doesn't want to use birth control pills. I don't blame her. I wouldn't if I was a woman.However, she is willing to use condoms, which are extremely effective if used properly (used them for 19 years with my wife and no accidents). So what's the problem here? That you are thinking you don't want to use a condom at some point? There's no need to be on the pill if you use condoms effectively. None.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 What the heck is it her if you use spermicide or not? You're entitled to use any contraceptive you want to use, same as she is entitled to not want to use anything she doesn't want to use. You aren't making her eat spermicide, it is something you put on yourself, so I honestly do not see why you would need her to "agree" with it.
Ultimately, if you do not feel safe having sex with her with only a condom then you got to stop having sex with her. It'd be a deal breaker to me if my partner wouldn't use contraception that I find necessary. I simply wouldn't have sex with him then. Sex is NOT so important that you want to risk getting pregnant when you really do not want a pregnancy.
Your girlfriends carelessness, or disinterest in taking your request for more protection serious, suggest that she wants to become pregnant.
If she doesn't want to take hormonal contraceptives I believed at first this was because it is a disturbance to her body and natural cycle. Hormonal contraceptives also have many side effects on women that many women find to be very uncomfortable, or not worth it. But if she is against spermicide, which is not a hormonal contraceptive, then I honestly do not know what her deal is. Ask her and find out why exactly she is against other forms of contraception.
And if you are uncomfortable with using only a condom then for your own sake please stop having sex with her. Or bring her with you to the doctor so she can learn more about contraceptives, it could be she's just scared of using them because she doesn't know a lot about them or how they work.
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (10 February 2012):
Condoms are fine. They don't mess up the womans hormones and sexual chemistry. Buy good quatity condoms and make sure you have plenty whereever and whenever you need them. Its good to discuss the possibility of pregnancy and what you would do but the reality if it happens is quite different. Give your gf a break. Enjoy her natural sex drive. I have been with girlfriends that went on the pill and off sex!!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): I do know about contraception what i am saying is she wont use it normally and certainly wouldnt get the emergency types, she would not let me use spermicide even if i got it, did not mention spermicide as most sources on the net class it as pretty useless and she would not agree to it anyway
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 February 2012):
Plan B is actually the name of one of many emergency contraceptives. Could she mean one of those?
There is another male contraceptive to be used together with condoms for extra protection, spermicide. The fact that you weren't aware of it makes me think you haven't really looked into this. The fact that you don't know what emergency contraceptives are, and think that if the condom rips you are set up for a pregnancy, also tells me that you don't really know much about contraception.
I suggest you read up on the different contraceptives, or perhaps talk to your doctor about contraceptives to learn more.
Condoms + spermicide = high protection.
If condom breaks, buy an emergency contraceptive = no baby and no need for adoptions or abortions.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 February 2012):
She's being selfish and immature. A baby isn't a sweater. Putting a baby up for adoption is a HUGE emotional toll. It will not be an out of sight out of mind situation, you will both wonder how your biological child is doing for the rest of your life and know that if your child winds up in foster care, it's unlikely he/she will have a happy childhood.
I understand not wanting to be on the pill, I am only using condoms with my boyfriend as well. But there is NO WAY I would be having sex with only a condom if I wasn't willing to take plan b AND willing to have an abortion if it came to that. What could possibly be her reasoning on not wanting to take plan b?
My issue is not with her disliking the pill. It's perfectly OK for a couple to only use condoms. But my issue is with her attitude of "no big deal." Where is her sense of empathy? It's irresponsible to rely on condoms without being willing to take plan b. I'm wracking my brain, can't find a single good reason why you wouldn't take plan b. You should stop having sex with her until you've discussed this more.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): I would stop all sex now, until she has been to her GP and sorted out an alternative method of birth control.Go with her if it helps and have a chat with hte doctor together
Its totally understandable she doesn't want children yet but she needs to grow-up and take some responsibility. You don't just have an innocent baby and give it away because you can't be bothered to prevent it happening.They aren't disposable items, they're little human beings.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): Thanks for the replies so far looks like I will be abstaining until she compromises condoms rip far too easy. It is not the hormones she is putting into her body that she is worried about she says she just doesnt want to take anything, to have injections nothing. It is so puzzling and illogical
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (10 February 2012):
 I honestly have no idea why she doesnt want to take birth control - what are her excuses?
She is being immature and very foolish. You cant just give up a chil for adoption because you are stupid enough to get pregnant, it doesnt work like that. She would still have to carry the child for 9 months, going through everything pregnant women go through. She would have to go through the birth, and then the trauma involved in handing your child over to a stranger and then never seeing it again. She is not being logical, she is just being silly. And she is not thinking about you either - it sounds like if she did get pregnant you would have no choice in what happens to that baby and that is completely unfair.
Simple solution - dont have sex with her until she grows up and accepts she needs to take responsiblity for her own body. Dont take the risk of having sex with only a condom, they do break and that is not uncommon. If you dont have sex with her there is no risk of pregnancy - end of story.
She is being completely unreasonable and needs to accept that it is the woman's responsiblity to take birth control because there is not birth control for men. There are loads of different birth control options out there, so she needs to speak to a doctor and think rationally about the best option for her.
Until she does this - dont have sex with her.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Maybe if you are this concerned you should discuss NOT having sex with her.
Perhaps she does not want hormones in her system as they can mess with your libido and moods....
...............................
A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury +, writes (10 February 2012):
 I think this girl is being very selfish.. Sorry, but that's how it seems.
If she doesn't want a child she needs to protect herself and make sure that doesn't happen. To say you can just put the child into care is so irresponsible.
If she's responsible enough to lie down and make a baby, then she should be responsible enough to mother it.
You need to tell her you will not sleep with her until she sorts this out. It'll be hard, and you probably will get an earful, but you should be willing to take that risk. The question you need to ask is would you rather not have sex for a while until she comes to her senses, or risk being a dad and putting the poor child up for adoption.
Children don't choose to be born. And yet people can carry on with their lives while children spend their lives in and out of care. I know as a mother I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that my child could be in and out of care for 16 years of their life while I was carrying on as normal.
Her attitude is normal, she is young i understand she wants to have fun and not worry. But now it's time to grow up before she ruins a child's life xx
...............................
|
