A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am confused about my feelings for my best friend. I'll call him David. I met David 4 years ago. We met through mutual friends and our social circles and interests just crossed paths. We are both involved in an organized sports team for which we do alot of traveling. We got to know each other very well, and became quite close.David has a girlfriend that he has been with for several years. I was sure that we only saw each other as friends. I began seeing one of the other men that we are friends with. I lived with him for nearly 3 years. I'll call him Scott. I loved Scott very much, but it became very clear to me that Scott had deep seated relationship issues. It took him nearly a year and a half to consent to having any sort of a sexual relationship withme, and it seemed like I did all of the work. Scott was often extremely neglectful of me, and I became quite depressed. That is when David and I became even closer. He confided in me some of the fears he has, like how he is afraid that where he is at right now could be all that there is in his life. He wonders if he is just settling, and he has admitted to me on several occasions that he is terrified of being alone. We kept it strictly platonic for a very long time. However, Scott broke up with me and when he did,David was the person that I called. He was the only one that I could think of to turn to. David has always been there to pick me up when I was down, and be there for me when I needed someone to turn to.I went to him, and during the course of us talking about it and him comforting me things ended up happening between us. Afterward, he said that he had never done anything like that before, and felt bad that he did something against his moral fiber but that things with me were different somehow. I felt the same way, but I couldn't explain why. Scott and I got back together, but David and I remained close. There was always this tension with us, and we each knew that the other was thinking about what had happened. We knew what kind of chemistry we had, but kept it secret. After a while, we ended up hooking up again. We decided to keep things on a low profile, and keep it stricly as friends. I was fine with this, and so we continued for nearly a year. I felt terrible about it, but I can honestly be myself around David, and I was never able to let loose around Scott. He was not affectionate, and David made me feel very wanted and loved. Scott ended up breaking things off with me again. He had been very distant, and he became absorbed in other things. He never found out about me and David. I feel like what I did was so very wrong,but when I am with him things just sort of fall into place. He is really himself around me. He has to hide alot of things from his girlfriend because of how controlling she is. It's like we just mesh together and are 100% confortable. The problem came when he asked his girlfriend to marry him. We had talked about it before because we knew that he would eventually ask her. He told me that he would ask her because he felt obligated to do so because they had been together for so long. She verbally abuses him often and forces him to change alot of who he is as a person. She has also cheated on him before (with several people) When he told me that he asked her, I was devastated. I always knew that he would eventually ask her, but when he did I realied that I had loved him all along. Now he and I are using every spare moment we can to kiss each other passionately. We are talking about how things might have been different.... I don't want to see him marry someone just because he feels obligated to do so. I really love him for the person that he is inside. My question is, should I tell him how I feel about him or should I keep my mouth shut and let him get married to someone that he does not need to be with?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): TELL HIM how you feel if you to are close and your not just bullshiting us He would want to hear it
A
female
reader, LynstHolin +, writes (13 July 2007):
One man in your life was emotionally distant, and the other is in a serious relationship.
You need to ask yourself this question: Why do you get involved with unavailable men? Is this a pattern in your life? Do you somehow feel you don't deserve any more than a man's part-time affection?
Scott and David are both unimportant here--you need to love yourself, first and foremost.
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A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (13 July 2007):
I agree with flower girl. I doubt his word about feeling obliged to get married. You hear his side of his relationship with his GF remember, not hers. I'm not saying he is a bad person. I think he is being economical with which facts that he tells you, because it keeps you around.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (13 July 2007):
 Ok you might not want to hear this but i'm going to tell it as i see it,
You say he asked her to marry him ' because he felt obliged to', i'm sorry but i just don't buy that at all, if she is abusive and unfaithful to him like he says then he really does not need to be there with her.
He has the best of both worlds here, because he has two people he can have sex with, and he can feed you any line he likes and thats because he sees that you believe him.
He is not tied to her in anyway, so he could leave he probably does not want to.
He tells you how hard it is for him because if he turned round and said i want to be with her and marry her, you would more than likely end your relationship with him and he does not want that.
Tell him how you feel about him, but i also think that when you tell him, you need to tell him that it is you or her as you are no longer prepared to be the bit on the side.
If he really wants to be with you he will leave her, if he stays with her then you will know how he really feels about you.
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): This sounds so very complicated, but in essence it's not.
David wants his cake and eat it too.
Scott doesn't treat you like he should.
Finish with Scott and tell David that you feel for him, but you're not prepared to take things any further, and the nookie is going to stop until or unless he finishes with the girl he's proposed to.
That should concentrate both their minds. If things don't either progress or improve with one or other of them, there are plenty of other blokes out there with a lot more to offer!
Phil
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (13 July 2007):
yes you should tell him how you feel. if he is only marrying her for the reasons you said so then he def shouldnt. and the fact that she has cheated on him and hes cheating on her with you just goes to show how there are many issues with their relaitonship and they should not be geting married, at least not atthis point without sorting them all out.
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