A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, Im in a right mess here :(This is rather long winded so i hope at least someone can be patient enough to read and respond.I have had what can only be described as a friend with benefits for the last 11 months. We're like best friends who sleep together, obviously there is physical and emotional attraction there too. This is where it gets complicated. She has recently told me she cant do this anymore as she is in love with me. She is now saying she cant even bare to be friends with me because it hurts everytime she sees me. She is constanly apologising for everything that has happened sayin "she so sorry for all of this" but im so grateful for everything she has done for me :/She is really struggling at the moment and i really just want to help her in any way i can. I dont think i am in love with her but partially because i havent allowed myself to get that close (previous rejection etc). So im now at a cross roads, take a chance on a relationship i wasnt originally looking for or lose this girl, i care so much about for good. Since this has came up her OCD is back, she is suffering from insomnia, her self esteem has always been low but i raised it for her and now she has pushed me away its back down further than before, she thinks that she is destined to live her life unhappy, and she doesnt deserve anyone, or any happiness. I just dont know how to make her see how wrong she is. She has said to me im so far out of her league and she was stupid for ever thinking i could love her. The problem i have is im not sure i want a relationship, she makes me so happy and is so caring and kind, i cant bare to lose her but she is pushing me away so hard as she thinks shes just a nuisance. i feel like its a case of being the good samaritan or losing her in every way for good. She has had a really tough life so far and i just want to show her how good it can be.I guess i just need any advice on this situation anyone has.sorry for nonsense
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female
reader, shitoutofluck  +, writes (29 April 2010):
i have totally been in her situation. i was with a boy forever hoping it would go somewhere. i know it is hard after a bunch of rejection to let anyone close, but believe you me, everyone goes through alot of rejection. if you feel this reason is the only one holding you back when you do really have feelings for her, try it out. why not? if you don't, you might go through life alone afraid of rejection wishing you had let the one person close who allowed you to be. and let me tell you, the boy who rejected me or just didn't let me that inch closer, is still calling me up three years later when i live in another state because he knows he fucked up, but unfortunately for him, i found someone who loves me and he is now in his early thirties freakin, i am 23. his loss. but to each their own. i am just as lost really though. i still can't let the one boy i love close, but that's why i just wrote to a therapist ahahaha.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 April 2010):
You have to end it. It would be cruel to string her along in a relationship that wouldn't work out. Let her go so she can find a guy who will love her unconditionally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): The dreaded FWB this situation rarely works out as both parties hoped it would. Usually one just wants sex and the other is hoping that through a sexual relationship they can convince the other person to date them. Anyway no matter what she's going to get hurt, either way the FWB thing has to end, you either agree to give her and a real relationship a shot or the friendship probably has to end. From her point of view if you aren't with her but still friends and she either has to hear about or see you with other girls it's only going to hurt her more. You are scared to get rejected and lose the friendship but taking risks is part of life. You can't find great happiness without taking chances and risks. Why don't you want to date her...do you have real legitimate reasons or are you just scared of getting hurt? If you care so much about her it's obvious that this relationship is already more than just friends with benefits. Why not give it a try, worse case it doesn't work but at least you gave it a try and at that point maybe you can salvage your friendship. Once friends start having sex it's hard to ever go back to being just friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): than don't walk out give it a try you both might make a good couple. You are scare of rejection while give it a try with someone who has been there for you as a friend and as a lover.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): thanks for your replies guys really appreciate it.
She has said to me shes never felt this way about anyone before and doesnt want me to be in a relationship with her as im too good for her. :/
I initiated the FWB thing after chattin on FB for a while.
She has so far rejected any form of help, sayin that she had always been like this before but i made her happy and feel normal. She uses this term "false happiness" :/ frequently. She doesnt think she deserves to be happy and says its not worth my effort caring for her.
Its so hard for me to watch her hurt like this, when i care so much about her.
We just had coffee together and she seemed ok, we kissed when we parted and i could see her fighting tears back...ouch.
I want to give her some space but my caring side just wont let me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2010):
 This is a tricky one. Unfortunately I don't see any way out that will make you both happy. She took a risk when she agreed to FWB with you. Whose idea was it, anyway? Or did you just kind of fall into it one night after a bit too much to drink?
At any rate, you can't go on the way you have been. Let's look at the alternatives as you've laid them out. You've got two choices, perhaps three.
One, you enter into a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You know she loves you and you share an emotional and physical connection already. The trouble with this is that you are a reluctant participant. You're not really looking for this and you will grow to resent her for putting you in a place you didn't really want to be. Yes, she has issues, but she ultimately is responsible for creating her own happiness, or at least setting up the situation so that happiness might be achieved. I think at the end of the day, you'd wind up broken up because your heart is not in it. And you'd hurt her twice as much then because you HAD made it to boyfriend/girlfriend and she'd have been even more emotionally invested in you. I think this option is a non-starter.
Two, you let her go, and cut contact because this is too painful for her. This will hurt a lot at the outset, because you're feeling guilty and she'll be feeling rejected and angry. Eventually, the wound will heal and she'll be able to move forward.
Third option is to try to stay friends, on her terms. This might work, given enough time, but I think you shouldn't expect this.
The thing is that this girl is obviously looking for a real romantic relationship. You are not interested, in your heart of hearts, to be in one with her. By staying in this with her, you are preventing her from finding a guy who really will want to be with her, because in her mind, she's taken. She is off the market. You are wasting her time, you see, if you really examine this.
I understand that you are feeling responsible for her self-esteem and her happiness. You do have some effect on these, but ultimately, it is up to her to nurture herself and make her own happiness, create her own peace. I think you are a nice guy who wants to help but in this case, I think you may be doing more harm than good. She is going to have to deal with these issues herself at some point, you are merely slowing down the self-confrontation process that she will need to go through in order to be mentally healthy.
I guess my analysis would be that you will have to step away from this. In as loving and gentle a manner as you can manage, but the sooner you do this, the sooner she can go through the inevitable grieving process that she would have had to face with you anyway, and then she can get on with her life. She can go back on the market and find the real right guy for her.
You will have to deal with the guilt and sense of responsibility you feel on your own. She's not strong enough to prop you AND herself up. Tell her that you hope she gets into therapy for the OCD and self-esteem issues; that those things are treatable and that there's no reason for her to suffer. This is not a rejection of her, per se, it is a rejection of a relationship for you at this time. Of course, the end result is the same, but the way you put this as the beginning will be very important.
Again, I feel the need to emphasize this: YOU are not responsible for her happiness. SHE is the one who will need to fix things for herself. She can only do this if you set her free to follow her own path and create her own peace. I would encourage you to point her in the direction of help, but you are not the one who will be 'saving' her, okay?
Perhaps at some point in this process, you will realize that you DO want to be with her in a proper romantic relationship. I think if you do, you MUST let her complete her self-healing process, the one that I hope she will go on. Make sure you don't derail this, you want her to realize her full potential as a person and as a well-rounded and wonderful woman. Right now, you're holding her back, even if that is not your intention.
Good luck, and continue to be strong and loving.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 March 2010):
 A relationship doesn't start until you know it can be workable. You can, as a friend, show her that her attitude is not helping her attract love. It looks like to me you are more ready for a relationship than she is, while she feels a relationship fills her emptiness. I would proceed with caution. You can date each other, and if she shows extreme signs of clinginess then tell her it won't work out for the long run. A relationship takes a lot of effort on both parts, you don't want to train a woman to be happy. You want a woman who's happy to begin with. She won't be that way forever, but you don't have to be the one responsible for showing her how to be happy just because you slept with her.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (31 March 2010):
 If you don't love her or interested in a committed relationship, you should let her go.
The situation has changed and she does not want to be a FWB.
You cannot have it both ways, wanting her but not loving her in a committed way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): In your post you have mentioned that you do not want a relationship. Stick with this and do not get into a relationship because you feel bad.
Understandably you feel attached to this girl; you have been intimate with her for close to a year. Rarely can people have sex with the same person for a period of time and not feel a thing. However, you do not love this girl and you maintain that you do not want a relationship at the moment, so it will not be fair on her for you to start a relationship that you are not ready for, simply becuase you feel sorry for her. Also, there is no mention that she wants a relationship with you. From what you have written it seems as if she can no longer cope with this arrangement, has fallen for you and wants to stop.
The best thing to do would be to let her go. She seems very fragile and clearly has some issues that she needs to deal with (self-esteem, OCD etc) Although it is tempting to be her knight in shining armour and fix her problems, it will not work in the long run and one of you will inevitably end up getting hurt.
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