A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My 30 year friend just cheated on her husband. She has been with her hubby since they were 16. Married 4 years ago. They just had twin boys this June. She is a good person who made a really bad choice. A boy from her grade school, whom she hasn't heard from since 5th grade contacted her on facebook. They facebooked, emailed, texted and then met two times all since mid October. The guy's girlfriend found out and found my friends husband on facebook and said 'ask your wife what she was doing last friday'. So, the hubby confronted my friend and the truth came out (two days before thanksgiving). She wants to do the right thing and work on her marriage (the hubby is willing). But she cannot get this guy off her mind. She says things like she 'wants closure with him'. I'm thinking isn't your hubby finding out closure enough? She pictures her life with her husband....but can't stop thinking 'what if'. Her hubby is a good guy. They are financially set, both have supportive families willing to help (if anything too much). Besides time, what can get this guy off her mind? If I thought she was in an unhappy marriage I would encourage therapy and divorce if that didn't work. But she visualizes her life with her hubby....Is there anyone out there that has been through this? Anything, besides her own will power and determination to make her marriage work that can help her through this? Are there support groups for this? I haven't found anything on line. I know all relationships require work, as does my friend. Is it at all possible she is not in a healthy marriage and she is settling if she made such a bad choice. Any chance of post partum contributing to this? Some of her family believes this. I just think she did a very selfish thing...i'm wondering why she is more in need of closure with this guy than wanting to work on getting her hubby's trust back...
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 December 2010):
 That's fine, you can lend an ear when she needs to talk about it. Again it's up to them 2 to make the marriage work. Like you said therapy is their biggest solution, the therapists have the key resources to aid this couple in figuring out their marriage. But ultimately, the most of the work is done outside of the therapy at home. It's also going to take some time for this to possibly work out...it's not going to fix itself. There's really nothing inspirational you can say for her to be on the right track. She has to want to be on the right track herself, and at the moment she wants to go back to this other guy.
There are divorce support groups, but ones for the husband since he was cheated on. They don't have ones for the cheater.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Well if your "friend" really wants to make her marriage work then she needs to cut all ties with this other guy.
I suggest couples councelling or something to get to the root of the problem. We on DC can't tell you if your friend is in an un happy marriage because you haven't given much detail about it.
Bottom line, if this friend wants to make it work she's going to have to erase this other guy from her life. She'll get over him if she wants her marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): # 1 because both the hubby and wife have called me, my hubby, our friends...
# 2 my definition of friendship might be very different than yours. i always want to be there when someone important in my life needs/wants me to be.
they are in therapy and that is the biggest solution...i'm just hoping for something inspirational to say that could help them stay on the right track and continue to work on this. they both said they want to work on it. the minute one person does not want to work on it, i would re-evaluate my position and how to be supportive. they have ups and downs and are looking to friends and family to 'pick them up' - not solve their problems, just help them out when they can't be in therapy or lifting each other up at the time....
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 December 2010):
I'm sorry if I sound rude. But what business of it is yours what your friend does with her marriage? That's their problem, and they need to deal with on their own without your help. I understand you have good intentions, but it's best not to give your 2 cents and just stay out of it.
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