A
female
age
36-40,
*ophielou474
writes:hi, basically ive recently got married but we are already having problems we have a daughter together and have been together 4 years previous to getting married. my husband has threatened to leave twice but going as far as packing his packs and me having to beg him to stay, the most recent reason was because i changed my email password and wouldn't tell him the new one. all i wanted was something that was my own as he goes through all my draws post, emails and phone. i have given in and told him my password as he wouldn't let it go, he feels by me not telling him its the beginning of the end. we are not sexually compattible either, ever since having my daughter i have hardly ever wanted sex although give in reguarly to make him happy, he askes for sex everyday and when i dont feel like it he sulks or we argue. i work nights during the week and have a job on sundays i also look after my daughter during the working week all day, before going to work of an evening and doing the housewrok (which is never good eough as its not to his cleaniness standards). there is a man at work who is just a friend but makes me laugh and makes me feel happy within myself i am confused as i dont fancy him but think i should because of how he treats me, is that just because my husband is not treating me as i would like? im only 22 and have no idea what to do. my friends are telling me he just likes control of me but i dont know, i'd experienced a controlling relationship before and hoped i'd got past that sort of relationship. sometimes he raises his hand to me as if to hit me, i dont think he will do it but it frightens me i have told him this and he apolgised and said he didnt realise he did it but would stop. there are so many things happening in my head right know i dont know what to do, i cant tell my family about our prolems as we have just recently got married few months back and they would be dissapointed, and they dont want another divorce in the family.. i do love my husband but sometimes i just want him to leave me alone.i also am ashamed of how i look im 5ft7 and weight 9 stone size 8-10 i used to be 8 1/2 stone and was happier that weight but cant seem to shift the weight, i suffered from anorexia as a teen and went down to 7 stone from 12 in 4months. i dont think i had it very bad but i keep thinking that is the best way to deal with my weight to make me happy again, maybe if i was better looking i would get my confidence back.i dont know what to do, im so confused and i know all this affecting my daughter as when my husband and i argue she apologises for him or me, and is always saying she does things to cheer me up i feel awful that im not being a good mother to her and protecting her from this, i just feel like i've lost any control or sense on the situation to be able to deal with it.please help to give me a non bias opinion. i have no idea how to cope any more, i tried conselling as doctors thought i had mild post natal depression but it didnt do anything. sorry to burden you with all this i just didnt know what else to do or who to ask.thank you for your time.
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anorexic, at work, confidence, divorce Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 No, no, no, anorexia is not a good way to lose weight! And considering how depressed you are right now, it could cost you your life. It's all based on self-loathing and that's a dangerous ingredient to add to your life right now. Your daughter needs for you to be healthy and present in her life. Please join Nutri-systems or another weight loss program that's available to you, if you want to lose weight, as I do think it'll help you feel better, but your husband is so insecure he'll probably freak out and imagine you're doing it for some other guy. It may be control, but mostly, I think your spouse is insecure about himself and about your relationship. Part of it could be your sex drive problem, which is common in women. Does he even last long enough to satisfy you, or is it all about him and his orgasm? That could be part of the problem. At any rate, he's using sex to feel loved and the two have nothing to do with each other. Also his constant watchful eye, is the other problem. It's making you feel suffocated. Yes I do think you enjoy the attention of the other guy right now because of the way things are with your spouse. But you are on dangerous territory with this guy so be careful. You don't want to compound your problems by adding an extramarital affair to your list of issues. Plus, it could cause your husband to become violent. Some men only need a little push to go overboard. I think marital counseling might help you guys if he's willing to go. If not, just talk to him heart-to-heart and you both really have to make an effort to be kind and loving towards each other. I hope it works out for you.
A
male
reader, NuVu  +, writes (30 July 2007):
The first thing that really struck me in your writing is how you had to beg him to stay when he threatened to leave. Unfortunately, i think that is the worst thing you can do. This is his way of manipulating you and you shouldn't let him get away with it. A man will only respect you when he understands that you really don't need him. You'll never be on equal footing with him always threatening to leave, and you begging him to stay. The next time he threatens to leave, you pull out the suitcase and start packing it for him and let him know you'll be having the locks changed in the morning. You need to live your own life... one that you want to share with him, not be controlled by him. In the mean time if he's at all reasonable perhaps you can both go to couples counseling.btw: the above is based on the fact that you didn't mention anything about your husband being physically agressive to you... if so i wouldn't try that and instead you just need to get out. As an american i had to look up how much 9 stones was and according to my conversion tool, that's only 126 US pounds,which is normal, and according to this UK weight chart 9 stones is completely average weight for someone 5'7" http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/body_weight/healthy_weight/chart.htmSo you shouldn't at all feel bad about your weight... its just that when you live with a controling person they have a way of making you feel bad about a lot of things, and your self-esteem sinks quickly. Since you've been in a previous controlling relationship, my guess is that your esteem is pretty low right now. So you need to focus on recovering your self-respect and self-esteem.The truth is that although its hard to see, you have your whole life in front of you. You can choose to live it being sad and miserable while being controled by someone... or you can make a choice to live life on your own terms. Good luck
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (30 July 2007):
 The food thing will be your way to be in control because you feel everything else in life is out of your control? Because any expert will tell you your weight is fine, if a little underweight!I dont think he should have to know your password. Im funny about things like that, i dont think people should go through others phones either, yet ive not got anything to hide from anyone. i just think some things are private.Thats a control thing and an insecurity thing from your husbands side.As for this guy from work, it sounds like your crying out for some positive attention, not controlling attention, and the sex thing, well ive been there before too. You feel like a sex object. When they want it every single night and you are tired and want to go to sleep with just a cuddle that night, they moan and gripe til you feel so bad you cant sleep anyway! I said to my ex ocasionally i would like us to go to bed and not actually have sex! Is that so terrible? But even he admitted that was because he felt rejected if i said no. Its a common problem.This other guy at work though isnt the answer.Nothing wrong with harmless flirting, we all like that, it makes the day easier to get through and its a bit of an ego boost!But anything romantic wise with this guy will spell trouble.You really need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling.There are varying degrees of control. And it does sound like he likes to be in charge of it!Let us know what happens.C xxxxx
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