A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year. We have been together for over 18 months. He chased me, professed his love and moved cities to be with me. I forced myself to love him and now he is making me very sad. He lost his job last year ‘cos of his binge drinking problems and then messed up a promising interview ‘cos he walked in with chewing gum in his mouth. When I went overseas we parted on good terms. He had told me before that if he didn’t get a job he would return to his hometown for a few days. I never stopped him.So he left the city while I was overseas and went back to his hometown – which is my hometown too. He said he won’t return but that was fine with me. I never pushed him since I was moving back there myself later this year. Even on new years’ eve he wished me nicely but then over the next 5/6 days I detected a certain coldness and asked him. He told me –‘I missed you when you left but not anymore which is bad. I still care for you enormously as a friend not as a bf’.I was shocked and spoke to him immediately and when I reminded him that he had told me he loved me he said people fall in and out of love all the time. We spoke at length later and he said it hadn’t been only a few weeks that he was feeling like this but that it was because of our constant arguments in the previous year.I reminded him that our fights were due to a lot of external stress -job stress, flatmates trying to cause rifts, us sharing our personal space which for me was the first time. I also pointed out that his alcohol issues caused problems ‘cos I would be waiting for him at home while he would spend hours even by himself drinking at the pub.He said that while the previous week he was certain it wouldn’t work out now he was having second thoughts. And since then he keeps asking for time and I give him that but within a couple of days succumb and ask him and text him – long texts reminding him of us etc.Once I returned to the country we had a nice long chat at night – started promisingly but then he said while he loved me he wasn’t in love with me. (I know that normally no one stays in love for more than a year – that obsession and excitement gives way to just love)So I reminded him that the honeymoon phase was over and the hard work had started (this is something I had told him before too) and was he going to run away as soon as there was some hard work ahead?I even cried on the phone when he said he never could see himself marrying and I reminded him that I had never thought of marriage myself. But yes I had often asked him whether he could see a future together – unlike in his previous relationship where he didn’t from the beginning. And he said he did see a future for us.He told me of how his ex-gf had broken his heart 6 months into the relationship when she flirted drunk at a party with her ex-flame.Since then he didn't have any feelings towards her. They lasted 2 years. When he said this I was surprised cos he always kept comparing our relationship with his last one and told me that he was in the same place after one year in that one and ended up hurting her and wasting her time. But I haven't done anything like that. So I pointed that out to him.He begged me not to cry. He has always maintained that he melts when I cry and he knows I never shed crocodile dears.He suggested that we take a break and I (Yes only me) see other people. “After all”, he said, “isn’t that one of the reasons you moved to this city?”. And yes initially when I had planned to move here it was a reason but we hadn’t met at that stage. I told him how cruel it was for him to suggest that – could he imagine me with someone else – someone else touching me?!!He isn’t with anyone…I trust him on that. I have still asked him once and believe his answer.I begged and tried to make him understand but still at the end of the conversation when I asked him if we were still in a relationship he told me ‘for tonight we are in a relationship’. I was shattered.The next day I put my profile up on an internet dating site and in fact chatted for hours with a guy. I was in high spirits and had friends visiting in the evening. I did not contact him. But I blasted him on my facebook page. I had turned my relationship status to single when he told me when I was overseas. But his relationship status was still on. In the morning he rang me and asked me whether I was drunk when I slagged him and I said yes. I had had a bit to drink but I know I wasn’t drunk. Still yes I used the excuse cos he stopped being angry.I have nowhere to vent – he hates me speaking to my flatmate cos my flatmate has blasted him. He doesn’t want me to say anything on facebook. I told him that he was making it very tough for me.Anyway then I noticed he had deleted me off his facebook. I asked him to call and he rang immediately. When I asked him he told me that we don’t need a facebook relationship when we have a real one.Now I told him that I wouldn’t have been trying so hard to fight for him if a certain friend of his hadn’t told me that he is self-destructive, forms an opinion and won’t listen to anyone, dwells on negative things too much and messes up the positives. I wouldn’t give his name at all. But he found out. When I contacted his friend to let him know he said he had already asked him and he had accepted that he had said those very exact things. I have never lied and was glad that he knew that once more.I rang him later in the day after 2 sms’s and he said he would call me back. Which he did and said he knew which friend I had been speaking to and that he was angry at him – not me – that he hadn’t told him about these issues but had told me. When I told him I wasn’t eating much…he softly said…’and you call me self destructive?’. Anyway when I asked him where we stand he got a little worked up and said…’you are not giving me the space to think’. I told him he has it. I also told him that my anxiousness and insecurities were making me do this. While I was overseas I wouldn’t contact him for 6/7 days…so I wasn’t always like this.I haven’t set a deadline but told him that he should remember somebody’s waiting for an answer. I also asked him if space meant he would see someone else and he said no…then maybe.I haven’t contacted him since…it has been 2 days. But I found out y’day from his friend that he had sent an angry text to him referring to me as his ex-girlfriend. This was prior to our own conversation. So I am not sure if I should disregard it as something said in a moment of anger. His friend thinks so.His friend of over 15 years is far older than him and has coached and played with him in cricket says. So almost a father figure. He says if he is left alone he thinks of all kinds of wrong things and that he has done this repeatedly with his cricket or would have been far more successful.Most of his stuff is still here and he asked my flatmate to mail it out to him but he hasn’t. I have kept everything the garage out of my sight but I won’t do any harm to it. I have decided that he needs to ask himself for his stuff. He has to since his passport’s here too.Most of my friends have said he’s a creep and doesn’t deserve me and I should move on. But I really love him and don’t know what has changed this lovely man. I have suggested couples therapy and he is not too keen since we are in different cities. Yes I have begged since I don’t think there’s any ego in love. I cannot accept that he doesn’t love me anymore since he is not known for being so whimsical. Has anyone out there been in this same situation? Surely someone has been and can tell me what I should do?
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a break, drunk, ex girlfriend, facebook, flatmate, flirt, her ex, his ex, lost his job, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Spades  +, writes (20 January 2010):
 First off..I can't believe I read all of that.
Secondly, to put it bluntly, you need to leave him be. These things DO infact happen. You can fall out of love with someone.
Constantly texting or calling him crying is only making him more uncomfortable and thus less likely to want to resume your relationship.
Thirdly, your pressing him for an answer was out of line.
To be honest. I think it is you that is the creep here.
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