A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,let me tell you about my situation, im a 21 yo virgin and my last boyfriend was when i was like 15. and i currently dont have a boyfriend and it doesnt look like its gonna change any time soon. its really taking its toll on me, cause i dont know of a single other virgin other than myself, and all my friends know about me being a virgin and sometimes theyll make fun of me or mention it in social situations making me feel uncomfortable/ashamed. and sometimes when that does happen i cant take the pressure and break down in front of them making me feel more embarrassed. its pretty pathetic. i know its because i have no self confidence/self esteem, but how do you even start to build one when its obvious im unattractive because ive been single for so long (and rarely hit on)! Sure i could put out to one of my lame ugly guy friends but i dont want that! otherwise my desperate ass wouldve done that already... I personally want to wait for the right guy, a guy that wont screw me over, basically i want to be in love first BUT i feel like thats never gonna happen cause guys dont want an unexperience girl which means ill remain a loser...the years keep going by and i remain same girl i was years ago. im starting to feel like i could maybe die a virgin cause you never know when its your last day; and how lame would that be. anyways im just looking for advice on what to do next..should i just grow old and turn into the cat lady? or just put out to some random dude? or try selling my virginity like that one girl did...any advice would be nice..thanks for reading my depressing story.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): Most American girls first have sex before seventeen. But what that statistic doesn't tell you is that a tenth don't first have sex until they are twenty-five. So your situation is uncommon, but its not unusual in any way, whatever your friends say.
And hey, if your age is 18-21, why haven't your friends left their schoolyard behaviour behind when they left school. Schoolkids pick on people who are not in the 90% of the population, adults find people who are different from the majority interesting to be with.
I don't think your problem is really losing your virginity, that can be solved in fifteen minutes with a confidential favour from an old single friend. But that wouldn't give you the relationship you desire.
You are totally wrong that men reject inexperienced women (and isn't that a reversal of social morals from just thirty years ago). When we meet Ms Right we accept their past as part of who they are, and we wouldn't have them any other way -- as the Bridget Jones movie says "we like you just as you are". A man that puts conditions on people's past isn't anyone you'd want next to you in bed. That's a particularly jealous form of intolerance -- but it's still intolerance, a killer of love. Those men aren't worth your time.
Relationship-wise, it will happen when it happens. People have a limited number of attempts at lasting relationships, before they fall into continual failure. There's no point wasting one of those just to widen your hymen.
As a old man in a twenty year relationship, I'd really suggest that you view your relationship situation as an opportunity. When you are in a relationship you have to consider the other person. If the two of you have kids you've got to be responsible. At the moment you don't particularly have to be either of those things. So if you've ever wanted to travel, take up a dangerous sport, take up a hobby which consumes a lot of time, or get an education at a demanding university school, then this is the moment in your life where you can do that.
The act of just going and doing these things will bring you self-esteem (because being in the world you get perspective, and being not-lovingly teased about anything just seems so pointless). Mixing with new people will give you social confidence (and not because you're jumping in at the deep end, but because you can see how a wide range of other people act in social situations).
People doing interesting things are interesting people, and other people get interested in them, so just forget for a moment that you want a relationship, plan an interesting life without one, and odds are just when its most inconvenient, then someone will fall in with you. If not, well you've had an interesting life, and that's a lot more than I see other people having when I look around at my neighbours.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (3 December 2009):
 I just happened to read Lexie's response after posting mine (silly me) and one part is definitely true: don't go looking for a boyfriend. I did that several times with no luck. The saying is true that love comes when you least expect it!
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (3 December 2009):
You're too hard on yourself - you're still very young and you'll find Mr. Right.
But I was like you, rarely ever had a boyfriend (one and I'm 26!) and was depressed I'd never find love. I dreaded Valentine's Day - seeing all my friends with their sweeties and it made me feel even more depressed and alone.
You just have to be patient (he WILL come along!) and have confidence in yourself. I was told recently that I'm beautiful (which I never considered myself being before) and I tell you what, it made me feel ten feet tall and it must show when I'm out and about, too, as a few guys have asked for my number and things. Being attractive starts in the mind - you have to believe in yourself that you're attractive and you can get any guy out there. Your confidence will show and the guys will start coming.
Now about your virginity. DO NOT lose it just to lose it!!! I have had WAY too many friends who did it just to "fit in" and they were heartbroken. I'm still a virgin and am definitely not ashamed to be one. I want my first time to be with a man I truly love, not just to "fit in."
Good luck and remember, you're beautiful! :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): lol! cat lady! Well at least you still have a sense of humor. Anyway just because your a virgin doesn't necessarily mean your ugly, if it does you know something I don't. The next time your friends give you a hard time, just get on them for something that they're sensitive about.I also recommend prayer, heavy metal,and booze :).Oh by the way I'm a 22 year old virgin and yeah I know it sucks,but hang in there sweetheart it'll get better!
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (3 December 2009):
 You make it sound like your virginity is a curse. It's NOT. Sure, it's a part of you but don't let it define you.
Your friends are immature and don't see to care about your feelings if all they can do is make fun of you.
You have done well so far, no giving in to some guy just for the sake of not being a virgin anymore. Don't go ruining this now.
I know you probably won't believe me, but trust me, you will meet a guy who will like you for who you are, and whether you're a virgin or not won't matter one bit to him.
You say that guys don't want an inexperienced girl...who told you that? Probably your shallow friends or your lame guy friends. Don't believe them. The guy who sees you for who you are and the one who wants to be with you will appreciate the fact that you haven't been around the block. Why do you think there are so many questions on here with guys saying how they can't get over their GF's racy past? I think you're worth much more than a girl who's been around the block.
One thing you have to do is take your focus off this...you know that once you're looking for something you hardly ever find it. So stop looking for a boyfriend, stop thinking about your virginity...it really doesn't make you any different from the next person. Go out there and enjoy life...I bet that once you're not caring about this one bit, someone will come into your life and you will be glad you didn't just sleep with some random guy.
I think you really should wait to find someone who is worth it. Doing any less would be disrespecting yourself.
Think about it, would you feel better if you went out tonight and slept with some random guy? What would you get out of that? The right to say you've done 'IT?'
I think you need to keep doing what you're doing...you're on the right track. And as for your friends, think of some good comebacks you can say when they start to tease you. If anything, you have shown more discipline and maturity than any of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): I'm going on 29 and still a virgin. For religious reasons, I am waiting until I am married. I have been single longer than you. Things just haven't worked out yet. It's not because you are unattractive or unlikable. It's hard to find a decent guy out there!
You're not lame for being a virgin; your friends are lame for making fun of you for it. You have to decide what is best for you, and stick to it. If you want to be in love, WAIT. Please don't lose it to some random guy, or sell it on the internet. You deserve so much better than that.
And who says guys aren't interested in inexperienced girls? Many guys are on here complaining about their girlfriend's sexual pasts. Not that I'm the expert, but I think some guys would appreciate the fact that his girlfriend hasn't been around the block a ton. And if he is upset about it, then he doesn't deserve you.
You should check out the "22 and still a virgin" thread. There are ALOT of people on there. You are not alone, and it's definitely not anything to be ashamed of. People lose it at different ages.
I know it's hard, but try to think of all the pros of being single. Try taking up a hobby or going to a class. Go on a weekend trip somewhere. Buy some new clothes that make you feel amazing. Try out some new makeup. If there is a physical reason you have low self esteem, you can work on it. I think if you feel better about yourself, people will respond to that.
Good luck!! ((((hugs))))
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): you shouldn't be ashamed that you are a virgin , yes maybe your 21 but i know plenty on 21 year old virgins , and you should wait and have sex when your married , not because people tease you about it, so once you are married then u will know that u are with the right person, and it is more likely that you will be together with that person after sex too. but just keep your head up, screw people who make fun of you just cause your a virgin, be proud of it knowing that u will stay pure until marriage. hope i helped...
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