A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I don't have an acc so please check for anon updates without the followup alert because I really need some help. My best friend and I are having effort difficulties because I feel like its only me making a real effort. Don't get me wrong, when my best friend puts effort in too we know each others' personalities inside out, but I'm kind of tired of always starting everything - conversations, hugs, phone calls etc, that it makes me feel like he doesn't want to be my friend. I know they do want to be best friends because I've seen his much it means to them but they are oblivious to the fact they need to reciprocate the effort. I've talked to them about it a couple of times and they've agreed but don't know how to act on it unless its acting on it once then its like they forget.I know it might not [probably isnt] the best idea but I want to do what they do so they can really feel what it makes me feel like, but I think I'm worried about them not noticing the difference because they don't pay much attention to that kind of stuff. I know many people would say "just move on and give up on them" but I'd like to try this first just in case it works. Thing is, how do I go about it? Not so subtle they have no chance of noticing, but enough so they will notice, despite them often being oblivious to this kind of thing? Thanks for any replies that do not just say "give up, move on".......
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 I think I answered your previous post (s) about the same issue, or maybe it was another girl with the same issue. You don't want to be told " move on, give up "- but maybe you should at least have a long , hard, realistic look to what it is REALLY going on her, not what it should, or it could be. Just what it is. Things aren't going as you want and hope, and there must be a reason for that , as in general there is for everything .
So, reason number 1 could be that you have a specific idea about how a best friend should behave, but this may NOT be his idea and you are tryng to force on him something that's based on your needs and not on his. Like when a girl writes to DC complaining he takes one hour to answer my texts and he only calls every other day , if he loved me he'd call every day etc. Well, not necessarily. Some people have less need for verbal and physical contact than others, and need more space . Some people are pretty indipendent and like to have as much unstructured free time as possible, it does not mean that they can't have friends, but they don't see why they have to abide to someone else's rules for friendship.
Reason no. 2, which is much much more probable even if you don't want to hear that, it's that you care about keeping this friendship much more than he does. I am not saying he hates you, but obviously what is a priority for you is not at all for him. Like, if it happens that you can talk or meet up, fine , if it does not, no big deal, he 's not going to sweat it.
Actions speak louder than words- and people make efforts for what they think is really important-because they don't even feel it as an effort.
You make too many excuses for this guy ( or guys ? ). If he is not stupid, he's not oblivious to what you want from him. How could he be ?- you TOLD him. So he knows. He cannot be " unable " to act on the changes you want, we are talking about dialing a phone no. or shooting a text, not astrophysics. He is perfectly capable of doing it, as a matter of fact he DOES it, any time you nag him- then he does not anymore. Because it's just not worth the trouble. If you really throw a fit, he'll comply to make you happy ( and make you shut up ), then he won't think about it any more.
I think the guy does not want to burn bridges with you ,because he cares about you and your frendship- to some extent and no more. He can live without,if he has too. . While for you the whole matter is way more important. That inevitably creates an inbalance of power and an awkward situation in which you are ,so to speak, pulling his sleeve for attention .
The problem is that you want him to CARE, and he does not, not as much as you want him to.
You can try giving him the cold shoulder and ignoring him, you never know, nothing is etched in granite in ref. to people's behaviour and reactions. In case he does care a lot about your friendship, and he is just incredibly lazy or self absorbed, he may take notice and wonder what did I do..
But, it's improbable- you alreday said that he ( they ? ) don't notice these type of things.... and if they don't notice it's because they don't care to begin with. People are very sensitive to changes and novelties in what they take to heart. What is not relevant, goes unnoticed.
Lastly, suppose I am wrong and he does care a lot and he is dieing to be your best friend etc. etc. The fact is, that , for whatever reason, he does not act as such. He does not initiate contacts, he does not make the effort etc. Maybe he is just too lazy / busy / selfish / absentminded / something else ... . It does not change that , no matter what you tried, you are not getting from your friend what you want and need, you only get stress and worry from him. So, what's the use of a friend like that ?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): My faience lady friend and I are having the same trouble identically to you right now as well. I love her very much though more then anything in the whole world but I am the one that is like your boyfriend. We have been very close at times and know we are meant for each other. She has tried everything and done everything anyone could ever do but I seem stuck in space sometimes and I am working at figuring out why it is that I have not run to her side to be with her and marry her as we plan to do and as should have been done 3 years ago. I do not know if my words are going to help or hurt your situation but maybe they might give some sort of insight. We have an internet only relationship and not being able to hug in real life has been the deepest hardship on our marriage to be. We know we are open about being physical once we get together in real and do not expect any troubles there so it is not a fear of that. I believe I have just become very set with my surroundings and If we had a real chance to spend time together I would be able to make the move to her arms as I would be so used to having her close all the time that I could not stand for her to be away in that way again. I doubt your friend needs a push to see himself from your acting like him and I believe that as I know well what my lady friend goes through and hate the agony that my lack of reaction causes in her. I wish I knew how to fix myself as I know well her intense love for me and hurt when I am not around as I need to be. I truly wish the best for you and your boyfriend and hope it works out for you both. Our situation is complicated in many ways so I am guessing yours might be too. Peace and Happiness to you and may time be on your side - love is worth waiting for in the right person but they have to be making the efforts along the way too as best as they can be, so he needs to allow his heart to share with you how important you are to him and show you you are worth fighting for. I need to show my lady she is worth fighting for as I did when I first courted her.
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