A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Parents out there please help!!!I need some advice so I can help my friend with her children who are a nightmare!I don't have children myself so I apologise in advance if I offend anyone .My friend has 2 children- a 10 year old girl and a 4 year old boy and they are becoming intorelable to the point where I'm avoiding meeting up with them!They are very spoilt and my friend and her husband haven't made much effort to discipline them unfortunatly.When they come round to my house they are constantly running around opening drawers, spilling drinks and breaking things! I have to now hide ornaments and picture frames when they come round to minimise them breaking things.Their parents ask them to stop misbehaving etc.. But not enthusiastically so the kids carry on. I've said to them (both parents and kids) to becareful and not run around etc.. But they don't listen and the parents don't back me up.They do bring a couple of toys with them but soon get bored.Now when we go out in to town the play up just as much! They chuck clothes on the floor, run around and try to push display stands over. In 1 shop recently we were asked to leave! I was so embaressed but my friend got offended saying her kids weren't misbehaving. I pointed out that they were causing havoc but she laughed it off and she didn't tell them off either.We've also on a couple of occasions taken them to a childrens soft play area where they try to take toys off other children and get in to fights.They are intelligent and they have no underlying illness like ADHD ( my friend got them assessed) So it is just lack of discipline.How can I get her to see how badly they behave (she thinks it cute and normal)? I have on occasions told her to say something to them when causing a scene in public but she doesn't.Thanks for you help. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (5 June 2011):
 It can be difficult to enjoy other peoples' children, particularly if you're not accustomed to being around kids all the time. I have three of my own, and I rarely find kids as fine as mine. ;)
There are very few people who can give parenting advice and be listened to. Sometimes the parent's own mother or grandmother, but never childless friends. Parents choose the style of parenting they're comfortable with. Your friend sounds like she has a higher tolerance for chaos than you do.
It's been suggested here that you try to see your friend without her children or at her home. Excellent advice. You can't change her or her kids -- she's been at this for 10 years, after all, so she's set in her ways. Trying will cost you the friendship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): You say she's had them assessed professionally for conditions such as ADHD, therefore she and the father know they have a problem with their children's behaviour.If they are ignoring their behaviours now and it really is bad then maybe they are in some kind of denial. Bringing up kids is one of the hardest and most thankless tasks you can do in life and its not easy. I rarely criticise any parent unless they're doing something blatantly wrong because it can be so hard to bring up kids and no one's perfect. It's not like a job you can walk away from and forget for a while while you recharge your batteries.I would suggest to try spend a quiet evening with your friend away from her family to perhaps lead up to a chat about these behaviours that worry you. A good way to get someone to open up and talk is to acknowledge their feelings first so that they don't feel like they are being blamed or criticised. Find something positive to say about the children firstly and talk about their good points before slowly beginning to talk about the difficult things like behaviours. Sometimes these problems are a vicious circle and maybe they need some help from the GP or health visitor who could advise them on any literature or groups etc. It could simply be that they don't get enough positive attention rather than old fashioned discipline.I remember my youngest son getting blamed for bad behaviour from my sister-in-law who had a boy the same age as mine. They were staying with us for a few weeks. Her son played quite roughly and was kind of spoilt because he was the youngest of 4 children and was the only boy. After a week or so of putting up with my boy being blamed for things going wrong I spoke to my sis-in-law and she was in total denial that their was anything wrong with her son's behaviour. He was in fact slyly upsetting my son and when there was a reaction my boy got the blame. Only I was noticing this but a few years later her boy was diagnosed with aspergers! And she finally realised he was quite manipulative with it too!...sometimes we are blind to what is actually happening when its so close to us, my sis-in-law was in denial.I'm not saying they've got anything wrong with them but that this is one way of looking at your friends problem with herchildren, just keep an open mind about them and find a nice moment to have a chat without blame or accusations and you might find she can let down defences and discuss the problem with you enough for you to suggest some help.Discipline needn't be hard and negative towards the childs and their behaviour, it can be done as positive correction and lots of good attention. Maybe they're not being praised enough and encouraged with good attention, kids love this and it brings out the best in them. Perhaps you could look after one and give them a nice day while the parents do the same for the other child, then do the same another time but you look after the other child. if it works it could become a treat for the children to look forward to and used as a positive lever to encourage them to try harder with their behaviour. I went to a convention about modern children and their behaviours, one of the things that was said struck me, it was something like this.. 'it takes a village to bring up a child'.. in other words, its not just the parents but the whole environment and the community around the family who can influence a child. Modern kids are stuck in front of TV and games because parents are becoming more and more busy with modern life. Kids need more positive contact and encouragement from all the adults in their life as much as possible.Next time they come round, try abit of charm and maybe ask one of them to help you to sort out the drinks or food if there is any, kids love to feel useful, ask them to do a little job maybe?hope you find this a little bit helpful.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): Really I think you will need to get the girl friend to open up one day, invite her over to go out somewhere on her own -away from them and have a coffee. Try and use it as a bonding experience and bring it up very directly but lovingly. Say that you care about her and you know she has to deal with it every day and you don't but you are her friend and you are worried that if something is not done now they will be quite intolerabke adults, explain that you feel she is avoiding it - like they will just 'grow out of it' when that is not the case. Say also that it is getting in the way of having them over as it becomes very upleasant and you don't want it to be like that.
I'm afraid you will have to bite the bullet and have this loving confrontation or else nothing will change and skirting round the issue will just be bad for both of you and cause underlying tension or at worst an eventual laspe of the friendship altogether.
The only other option is to slowly avoid her over time until you have nothing to do with her anymore.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (4 June 2011):
 parents dont want to listen to other people criticise their kids or parenting skills.
avoid having the children round, tell your friend you would rather spend time with her and that she should get someone to look after them, in a pleasant way of course.
clearly she is blind to the fact she spawned brats and hasn't got the brains to see that if they continue like this they will treat her like shit as adults.
i would just avoid having them in my house or spending time with them. if you friend cannot meet you without bringing her kids along i feel that is selfish especially if she fails to control them.
just get some new friends and see her less until she see's you without her kids as eventually she will get sick of being stuck with them on her own. because they are unpleasant and even she will eventually come to see that.
just "be busy" until she spends time with you without her brats. or make new friends. personally i would lack respect for someone like that pretty quickly.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 How many other children are you around on a regular basis to be able to say that this isn't normal? Do you work with children? Do you have other friends with children, and plenty as well, to be able to say what is the norm and what isn't?
The thing is, her children might be in need of discipline, but you're not capable to tell whether this is the case or not. Children run around houses, especially new houses that are interesting and that they don't go to that often. In the process, things will get broken. I say OF COURSE you need to child proof your home if you're having kids over! They touch things, eat things, tip things over, especially younger ones like the 4 year old. The 10 year old might be on the brink of learning how to sit still, but children DO NOT sit still. They run around constantly. They're not adults, they don't think it's fun to sit still and just talk.
3-4 year olds also LOVE to pull and tug at everything, see things fall over etc. What many parents do is to put them on a leash. Because, it's normal for them to behave this way.
Childproof your home, and if you can't stand the kids be happy you don't have any of your own. Because your kids would do the same.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 This is a really touchy subject. I know that you are only trying to look out for your friend by telling her that her children are spoilt and need to be disciplined but you have already hinted this to her and in her life it is completely normal for children to behave that way, therefore I honestly think that she will take offence to you and finish your friendship, which would be really sad.
Off course it is not fair having the children come over to your house and wreck the place. Therefore you could have a quiet word with her about this if you feel your friendship is strong enough and she wont take offence. Just talk to her and ask her is she struggling with motherhood. Maybe she is just stuck in routine and actually doesnt have a clue how to change things. Maybe behind closed doors she has tried to get her children to behave and its not working so maybe now she is trying to laugh it of.
It must be really hard for her as well raising these children. But I guess some people are just really lax and let there children run around spoilt. I guess in saying all this there isn't a lot that you can do here but have a quiet word with her and see how she feels.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (4 June 2011):
 god how annoying! i hate it when parents are so laid back while their children are causing world war 3 right in front of them!
well you have already pointed out the problems to her and she isn't listening. if you persist in trying to make her see it she will probably take offence at you and maybe break your friendship coz they are her children and she won't take kindly to having them criticised. she obviously knows they are little monsters if she has took them for ADHD testing!
i suggest don't go out shopping with her. go out with childless friends, or go with her only when she is childfree, her kids probably play up more coz they are bored (most kids don't enjoy shopping!) the little one will be starting school soon so can you see your friend on a week day for some peaceful girly shopping trips?
another suggestion (you probably won't like this one!) take the kids off her hands for half a day every now and then, she will probably be glad of the break, and you will probably find that they are much better behaved when you are looking after them without their mother being there. use this time to PRAISE them for their good behaviour, they might learn something from this?
in the meantime, why not make your meets at her house so that the kids have got all their toys to keep them entertained and if they do want to mess about it is not your house and stuff that gets damaged
x
...............................
|
