A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have a problem that is really affecting my whole life and I am not sure how to deal with it anymore. I love going out and enjoying myself and having fun with my friends and boyfriend but no one ever wants to do what I want. I gladly do what they want because I enjoy doing things that make them happy and I am pretty laid-back and enjoy most things anyway. On one occasion I invited a friend for my birthday do, but she didn't want to do what I had planned so she tried to take over and told everyone we were doing this activity that she wanted to do. I was livid that she would go behind my back like that so when I cancelled I was made to look like the bad guy. Our friendship pretty much fell apart after that. In my previous relationship we never did anything I wanted to do. My current boyfriend very rarely wants to do anything I want to do. He says he doesn't get my messages, but I am sure he does. I have now reached the point where I have got fed up with being rejected all the time, and have stopped asking my boyfriend to go places with me. I feel this relationship is falling apart. My sister constantly rejects my offers to go out, but has got a bit better lately because I think mum highlighted to her how hurt I was getting about it. One of my closest friends asked me to join her in a sport which I couldn't do at the time because I needed to buy some equipment that would enable me to participate. I messaged her asking her if she would like to come along. She acknowledged my message but didn't say why she didn't want to come along. I think we have always done what she's wanted to do.Now the only thing I can put it down to is that I think they all possibly have low self esteem to varying degrees and I think they dislike getting out of their comfort zones but I feel very controlled by them in that I will only get to see them if it is on their terms. I am also starting to feel used in a way. The constant rejection is affecting me very deeply now. Mum says maybe in the case of my friends and boyfriend they perceive our family as boring and unpopular, but I have many interests and while we may not be the life and soul of the party we have a cracking sense of humour and are kind and caring. I can't force people to do what I want so any ideas as to what I can do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): I understand your situation very well. I'm 36 and because I have moved town my old friends now can't be bothered to come and see me and its always only ok if I travel to them and I have realised I was just a friend of convenience. I have also realised that friends can be transient and that I have an opportunity to start fresh, decided on the things I want to do with my time and if I make friends from that then they are likely to share my values, my interests and hopefully more. You are at an age when you perhaps need to have a spring clean of relationships that are negative or dragging you down or keeping you back. Really think about them and list what you get from friends you have - they should be like a battery you gain energy and positivity from them and they should not drain you and make you feel negative. Your very closest friends that you love, keep, but only put effort into those relationships and move yourself on. Spend energy on yourself and a new direction. They, after all, are doing just that. People are being selfish and I don't think its down to your personality as I think your self esteem is low so you are picking on yourself. You clearly have a lot to give and your post is packed full of intelligence and clarity. I think you are finally realising what you do and don't want from life and celebrate that fact and build on it. This period of your life is not necessarily a bad thing. The best thing you can do for yourself is to ensure you are happier in 12 months time and your old friends look upon your more genuine wholesome life with envy. You can do it.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 August 2008):
 You asked: I can't force people to do what I want so any ideas as to what I can do?
You can go do the things that you want to do without them, and in time, while you are doing those things, make new friends and even a new boyfriend that you can spend your time with.
-Frank B Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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