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male
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*ead1
writes: Okay, I'm really curious about this one, this question is slightly long, but bear with me:I was in my last relationship for 1 1/2 years...I've been in pretty serious relationships before, but this is the one that has been the most serious and intense.I managed to meet tons of new people, whom I befriended, through my ex. This happened on trips to what I'll call The Big City, where they all live.Well, we ended up breaking up (she's incredibly high maintainence and has a very short temper and I'm pretty laid back). We're still friends, we hang out a good bit...and here's the complicated part: we still sleep together every now and then...but more on that later.I was here in The Big City going to school, and she decides she's going to move down here, in with one of our mutual friends. Since she's been down here, we've been hanging out but also sleeping together sometimes(essentially when she wants it, not me). Lately, though, she seems to be on the prowl for a boyfriend (she's 28 and I think her clock is ticking), and sometimes she invites me out and yet will hit on others around me. This bothers me, as I used to really love her...I'm not even sure if I don't still. I know I should probably distance myself from her, but: a)the sex is incredible b)I actually do like her as a friendc)she lives with one of my good friends and knows/hangs out with the restd)I feel the need to take care of her because she's having lots of problems (including with substance abuse). She doesn't know it, but a lot of the friends out there who she thinks adore her don't actually like her anywhere near as much as she thinks, as she can be pretty disagreeable.I'm still ending up being hurt, though, and it's driving me nuts. I know I shouldn't still feel for her, but it's still there. How, exactly, do you stop loving someone, especially with this intermittent reinforcement?Like I said, this is driving me crazy, so I'd welcome any and all helpful advice.-Almost Nuts in The Big City
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male
reader, dead1 +, writes (16 August 2005):
A quick note to clear up a misunderstanding:
My friend (who she lives with) is a girl, and she and my ex aren't sleeping together. They're roomates. She's not dating anyone right now, but shopping around.
-ANITBC
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2005): Let's make a clear distinction here which may help you understand what you are feeling. Are you in "love" with her or in "lust" with her? Love is: committment, honor, respect, forgiveness, sacrifice & total giving on both parts of each partner. It's is not based on self-gratification. Lust is: a very selfish intense physical desire just to satisfy your urges for an orgasms, using each other and just taking.
When two people establish a specifically "friends with benefits" type of relationship, things inevitably go awry and someone always ends up getting burned. Friends with benefits is more complicated than anyone could ever know.
Yes, the sex with her is great-one can get "GREAT" sex anywhere if they look hard enough. It's also meaningless with someone you don't love. It's even more "fantastic" when it's with a woman whom you share a deep committed love with. The truth is, you likely continued the "sex-buddy" friendship, thinking you could handle it-it was just supposed to be fun, carefree, uncommitted, a good time & ooops..you let your emotions get the better of you! It appears she kept all this perspective-she's always sought meaningless sensations with you and eventually, she will lose interest (someone will replace you) In a nutshell, this gal is playing you like a yo-yo. You are just her sex buddy/boytoy when she feels lonely and needs some fun. And you don't need to "caretake" her. That's unhealthy. Up to now, you've been confused about what you were feeling for her and willing to take and give. But now that you know this pattern, remove the blinkers and give her "her walking papers".
There is only one way to feel better, other than time to grieve this relationship, it's time to change your perspective about what happened. I would suggest..end it and no more contact with her. If you see this woman, socially be polite but distant, and above all be unavailable. All these confused feelings have to work themselves out of your system. It's a process you must go through. Maybe looking at this from another prospective will help. Even though she is a taker..she's giving you something she didn't even realize. She's giving you the strength, the courage to move on from her try and know that being with her was dysfunctional. She giving you the wisdom to learn from this and sense for you to respect yourself, once again.
You have to recover before you even consider entering another relationship. Although I say move on, give yourself time to mourn-sounds exagerated but you do, its like a death you've lost someone close to you but you will eventually find somone, but AFTER you've dealt with your feelings of sadness. Don't be a recluse. Still get out and have fun with friends..sincere friends that you love and trust. Keep busy with the hobbies and interests you enjoy. But do everything to move forward and away from this dysfunctional relationship. Stop being used-you deserve so much more from a special lady in your life and eventually that will happen. Good things happen to good people...stay strong, stay focused and stay positive.
Hugs and Smiles, Irish
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A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (16 August 2005):
Wow, what a job you have trying to figure out this girl! You must have completely adored her to allow her to continue treating you appallingly after you have parted.
She seems to have some major psychological issues here. She is a substance abuser which should set alarm bells ringing. Alcohol and substance abusers usually become withdrawn and incredibly selfish, using the people who care about them to feed their habits, either by borrowing money or in some extreme cases, stealing. Their behaviour often isolates them from their family and friends (as your friend seems to have done).
I honestly cannot see how this "arrangement" in any way benefits you! This woman does not give a monkeys about you. Instead, she exploits your history and the fact you're still smitten by her to use you for sex whenever she clicks her fingers. She regularly cheats on your friend with you, and as a consequence you are betraying your friend in the most callous manner because of this woman! You've obviously tried dating each other exclusively and now she has chosen to date your friend over you, keeping you as her little plaything. I think that speaks volumes about her total disrespect for you.
It will be difficult to avoid this woman in future, however I think you probably need to broaden your friendships so that you have a part of your social life which isn't associated with your ex. You could also suggest meeting your friend for a "boy's only" night so that you do not have to face her. As long as you continue to see this woman socially, you will never break free from this destructive relationship.
Good luck with it all!
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