A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A friend of mine, Victoria (not her real name) has admitted over email she is in love with me, and via WhatsApp.It was out of the blue, the email, sent to my personal, well, work address (me at mydomain.com) since I work freelance; hadn't heard from her since 2013.I've known Victoria since April 2008, and she's been married to her husband since September 2014 and dated him since June 2013; I've been friends with him since November 2012. Not at the level of really close friends (due to distance too) but not just casual drinking buddy. They moved from my city to a large town in Pennsylvania in March 2014.As it is, Victoria told me that she's come to a realization she and her husband are more like brother and sister than a true husband and wife, and she's told her husband it, he's accepted it but is sad about it, but not to the point of drinking himself to depression.I had sent him a WhatsApp to tell him his wife had whatsapp'd and emailed me, and he said he knows, he's now starting to realize he isn't the right fit either and went with her on lust over love.He wants me to date her, and had already been planning to file for divorce, until coronavirus hit. He thinks I'd be a better fit anyway.I feel a bit hinky / weird about it, technically, it's dating a married woman and breaching "bros before hoes", but at the same time, is this a weird situation?It's not an affair since we'd not been in contact since November 2013 (barring one brief interaction in an airport, and she didn't speak that time, as I was getting a rental car, she was returning one). We only saw each other less frequently from August 2012 onwards due to her moving around for work on a freelance basis.She's a good friend to me, and yes, I'm attracted to her, but I'd never said it outright to her simply because of what mom and dad had taught me about not being too overt about it; their moral was be overt about wanting a discount or shopping or doing a deal, less so in a romantic context. Good or bad moral, YMMV?I really don't know what to do and am in a bind as it feels like betraying a friend but he wants me to go for it and she's attracted to me from the photos of me on my website (granted my website's just a professional website, not social media, rather safe content).What would be the right, correct thing to do?If I date her now, won't there be the issues of friends picking sides, ostracism in social circles etc. - fortunately there's no kids involved so custody issues aren't a thing (except for Victoria's pet cavies/guineapigs).I'm trying to work out how to do the right thing in this situation since, tbh, I didn't expect anything like this to happen in my life.Really need advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2021): Typo correction:
"He might also be encouraging her to abandon him; so he'd have a better advantage in the divorce, because he can site the reasoning as adultery and abandonment."
P.S.
Her husband is probably aiming for an annulment. That will limit her ability to legally seek half of his assets. She will end-up with only whatever she had when they got married.
I totally agree with Honeypie. This could all be a ruse, just to get some lesbian-action; to add a little live-porn action to their open-marriage.
Suddenly she'll decide not to get a divorce; leaving you a sucker with egg on your face...and a broken-heart! If they know you're a lesbian, that makes it easier for the setup. I don't think you're that naive...or are you???
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 April 2021):
 Wait until she is fully divorced and on her own for a while.
Jump in now and you will be her rebound.
Also, WHY is it your job to fill her husband's shoes? I mean are you the ONLY guy out there? Seems like she is just latching on to you to HAVE someone.
If there really WAS some "great love" between you two, don't you think SHE would have ended her marriage sooner?
This would be a clean no-go for me.
You say she is a good friend, but you also say you haven't been in contact since 2013 - HOW can you be friends with someone you don't talk to on a regular basis? THat isn't a friend, That is an aquaintance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2021): How can she be in-love with someone she hasn't had an ongoing and viable relationship with?
Love develops from a mutual-exchange of feelings; not just the knowledge someone is liking you from a distance. At this point, lust is more like it. Don't you think for one minute her husband is so cool about all this!
She's still a married-woman. That taints your relationship if you begin anything now; and her husband is gladly pushing her off on you. He doesn't want a lesbian wife; or maybe he's hoping to get some kinky benefit or action out of watching all this transpire. He might also be encouraging her to abandon him; so he he'd have a better advantage in the divorce, because he can site the reasoning as adultery and abandonment. Thus, keeping most, or all of his assets!
In his eyes, letting her go is self-serving; and not as benevolent as he's pretending.
The rest is a test and question of your values and character. Do you date married-women? Unless you two are having an ongoing-affair, I doubt she's truly "in-love" with you. It's more of an obsession or attachment; until you are both engaged in an active, connected, and committed-relationship.
I'd recommend standing by, and waiting until after the divorce. She might end-up emptyhanded after the divorce; or owing him alimony, if she earns more money.
If I were her, I'd get my legal ducks in a row; because I suspect her husband is already ahead of the game.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (26 April 2021):
 I think you should take a step back from this situation and wait to see if they actually do get divorced. If they do, then the next step would be wait for all the dust to settle and see if you still have feelings for each other after 6 months or so.
I feel stepping in and dating her now, although might not feel like it right now could end up getting messy. You could end up being the guy that slept with the wife, a married lady of a friend of yours.
For all you know this could be a game they are playing to spice up their marriage.
Either way, to avoid complications i would step back and see if their talk of getting divorced is actually true.
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