A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Does anybody experience lonliness from being used? My phone does not ring, but when it does I’m excited. Usually I find out the person is after something from me. This happens from distant friends to close friends. I feel so alone. To combat this I spent time to improve myself. I go to beautiful places alone to explore, I eat good food, and I fill the remaining time with work. When my phone buzzes I’m often excited. I often react with excitement and happiness when someone text me or call me, only to realise they called me to ask me for something. I still ignore thier behaviour and still treat them how I want to be treated. But it is never reciprocated. I’m a grown man and it’s upsetting me. I will give you simple example: I invited a friend to come to mine to catch up, he said the 15 minute walk is long, so he never came, than few weeks later. He asks me to borrow something. I don’t have it, it was at a friends house, he asked if we can go get it. I said yeah sure: we walked 1 hour together. He got what he wanted, and no contact. If I message he will reply vaguely and just text again asking for favour. I get fed up of being used. Recently I was invited to birthday outing, I felt happy that at least these friends of mine care. Due to work I could only attend half of it, before I even arrived I was sent bill for the whole day. I felt like such shit, I missed half of it, still paid and didn’t feel fulfilled. I jus spent my day off alone, my friends in the group are vaguely messaging details but even when I ask what are you doing, they don’t reply. One keeps saying come and find out. Like why am I always in the unknown. Why am I always left out? Trust me I’ve tried different people. It’s me. They can’t all be wrong. Any tips to sort myself out? I’m clearly pissing ppl off. At work I bend over backwards, and people get awarded in front of me. I don’t know how many years one person can go for without being told something positive? I thought I was self sufficient but I’m not, there’s only so much you can do alone. I feel like at 30 it shouldn’t be this lonely. I’m so tempted to block everyone and not speak to them because of how they make me feel but again they wouldn’t realise, if they did I will come across as weird. Suns shining outside and people are out having fun. I already been outside for 4 hours but it still feels lonely when I get in. How do I stop this feeling? Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2021): Hi
Keep faith that one day you will find true companionship, a soulmate, a true love because you will be able to sieve through what is genuine and what is not. You feel lonely because you are sensitive and you think of others and how they feel, unfortunately many people are not this way. They are not at fault as such, just absorbed. It is not you, you are not the problem, it is life.
It is good that you appreciate the beauty of nature and do things you enjoy, don't try and fit in, build on your great insight to people and never loose hope.
Good luck, and I do hope your loneliness can turn into a free spirited passion.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2021): Expect to be disappointed in human nature. They/we are apt to disappoint and frustrate you.
Unlike family, you can choose your friends. You can also modify their bad-behavior by being honest and frank with them. If you feel they only call when they need something from you, why don't you just say so? If it happens repeatedly; then disassociate, and end that parasitic-connection with people.
Often what you're describing in your post comes from bending over backwards (as you said); maybe even too far, to prove how much of a good-friend you are. It also comes from the failure to set reasonable boundaries, a deficiency in honesty and straightforwardness; and because you're trying so hard to be nice, that you won't say "no!" You want to be their go-to girl! You want to be highly praised; while you see no evil, speak no evil, and hear no evil. If it's there, address it. You will be better respected, people will realize you're generous from the kindness of your heart...not stupidity! Then you cut-off that supply of generosity that's going into an empty vessel with a hole in the bottom.
People treat you as you allow them to treat you. You condition them to use you; if you never address these issues, to let them know how much aware of, and unhappy, you are about it.
Sometimes we work hard, and we aren't rewarded; or go continuously unnoticed for our hard work on the job. Some employers only notice their favorites, or chosen pets; and overlook their truest capital. Good workers! That's because they're stupid. They'll frequently lose those valuable-employees; and end-up with a lazy or mediocre staff. Smart-employers know better. No good-worker goes unnoticed! They are a valuable asset to your bottom-line! You make money, when you hire the best people; and offer the best products, good customer service, and top-notch services! It reflects in your bottom-line; and leads to expansion!
You should continue to strive to give it your all; because that's your strong-character, and your work-ethic. Sometimes "people" don't acknowledge, or notice the best in us. God does, and He gives you rewards you may not even notice; or you're inadvertently taking them for granted. Sometimes acknowledgement and promotion will come most unexpectedly! Like I was overlooked for years; and suddenly was given a promotion beyond my wildest dreams!
Yes! Sometimes it seems the underserving, or less deserving, get the spotlight; and such is life. Owe it to favoritism, nepotism, or politics.
If you know you're a valuable and productive-employee; your option is to take your skills elsewhere. You may add carefully-worded comments to your performance-reviews. Reminding your supervisor(s) that you take pride in your performance. That you do your utmost best to be a good team-member; while representing the company-spirit. Your work-ethic is to give it your all. You hope that your efforts are reflected through your work, and it feels good to be acknowledged when you do your best. That's not sucking-up. It's a subtle-way of saying; "hey, you've overlooked me long enough!" You need only add these comments once; because now they're on the record. It's not complaining, it's showing leadership, and confidence in your own skills and qualifications. Pat yourself on the back!
You shouldn't feel loneliness behind allowing people to use you. Own responsibility, don't become sorrowful or victimized. You end unfulfilling or bad-friendships. You don't suffer through them.
If you're doing all of what you claimed you're doing:
"To combat this I spent time to improve myself. I go to beautiful places alone to explore, I eat good food, and I fill the remaining time with work."
Add prayer, meditation, and pursuing spiritual-fulfillment from your system of faith. If you believe in God; then He is your resource of strength and blessings, when people fail us. If you are an unbeliever; then you will continue to see only the weaknesses of character and lack of appreciation in humankind. It is what it is! If you're doing all you said you're doing, when do you have time for such human foolishness? Make new friends, and clean house!
May God bless you for being a person who cares. May He grant you blessings and reward for being a dedicated and hard-worker! May you be blessed, and enjoy all the fruits of your labors! May He draw good-people into your life; while He removes those who cause you grief and heartache. Be kind and forgiving, because that too will bring you reward. You can still detach from bad-friends, and remove them from your life. God allows it, and He recommends it.
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