A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This may be a bit of a weird question, but I'm having trouble figuring myself out. I turn down everyone, even the nice ones. The only reason I've been kissed and had sex is because I figured it was a rite of passage and I had to get it over with, not because I was actually into it, or more specifically, that person. I've had crushes on people, maybe 3 times during my entire life. And even then, it wasn't that all consuming feeling with butterflies people describe when they talk about love. It was just a growing attachment to someone I liked that I spent a lot of time with and a desire to keep spending a lot of time with them. I've never experienced the whole love-at-first-sight thing. I can appreciate beauty, both in men and women, but it doesn't make me attracted to them. Attraction only happens when I get to know someone really well and even then it's rare. My parents keep harping about me being in my twenties and never introducing them to a boyfriend, but I've honestly never had one. I've tried it, once, with a friend who was into me and I figured maybe if I gave him a chance it would ignite the right feelings in me too. Romance by proximity if you will. It never happened. I liked the closeness, the touching, the snuggling, even the kissing. Sex is a different story. I just wasn't attracted to him, so it wasn't as enjoyable for me as it was for him. He figured out something was wrong and I told him the truth and we ended the relationship. It's not that I don't like sex at all. I've been attracted to, well 3 people that I probably would have enjoyed being intimate with. They didn't like me back that way, so that was that. But when I look around and see how easily other people fall in love and have relationships, I dunno, something just feels...off.I get hit on quite a lot when I go out (being a woman means this is basically a given) and it just makes me really uncomfortable, even if the guy is really good looking. When I first started going out as a teen I thought it had to do with the novelty and my shyness, but after all these years it still makes my skin crawl. I have a lot of trust issues from my past, but it's more than that; I just don't want sex from guys; only if I know them really really well. And guys tend to not have the patience to wait for me to get attracted to them. And for me to get attracted to someone, well, it can take years. It took me 3 years to get attracted to a classmate of mine at uni. He wasn't pursuing me or anything, it was just something that happened, that moment when you realize that you might want something more than friendship. Anyway, he had a girlfriend at the time, and it was pretty easy for me to shove away my feelings. My friend says that if I can repress myself that easily I'm not really into that person. She says I might be asexual. I don't know. I do have the wish to settle down with someone one day. Not kids, per se (I mean if my partner definitely wants them I'm open to it but personally I'd be okay with not having them as well). I do love. I like my classmate enough not to bother him with my feelings when he's happily involved with someone else. I am very devoted to my friends; I'd do anything for them --and I have. I just don't really know how to go about dating and romantic relationships.I don't really know what I want from you guys. Just some outside perspective on this would be appreciated.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 July 2014):
Dear OP,
I am not a specialist about asexuality. But to me, you just sound like so far, you didn't have much luck with love. No pathology or syndrom or orientation has to be added to that, in my opinion.
You need time to trust someone and enjoy sex. There is some wisdom in feeling like that. Our time is over-emphasizing sexual openness, in my opinion. I am not asexual at all, but even I find todays' world too fast-paced.
You have trust issues and you are afraid of rejection, so you protect yourself by suppressing your feelings sometimes. Understandable! But that doesn't make you an asexual person, in my understanding. Just very sensitive and delicate. Somebody special that needs a special partner.
OP, I don't know what advice I can give you. Maybe, that you don't write off your sexuality as non-existent too fast, because after all, it might not be true.
So far, relationships and dating didn't work out too well for you. But I can feel a wish of you, to have a real relationship one day, based on trust, where sexuality can play a part. I agree it's hard to find and many people are in a rush to find sex and don't take enough time for dating and building trust. But I believe that it's not impossible to find somebody who is similar to you. So don't give up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2014): These sites may help you decide if you feel asexual:
http://www.asexuality.org/home/
http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A_/_Grey-A
Personally it sounds like you're a "Grey A" if anything (at least at the moment) because there's a hint of you possibly desiring sex, IF you develop an extremely strong emotional bond with someone. Grey As don't usually meet many people who make them feel like, because they are still on the asexual "spectrum" because they don't feel the desire to have sex except in those circumstances.
You could also look up profiles on www.asexualitic.com and see what other asexuals say about themselves and how they feel - so that you can see if you relate at all.
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