A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It would be amazing to get some insight from other people... I am feeling terrible about myself, but I am profoundly hurt by some of the things that my friend said to me, and I feel misunderstood. I'm not exactly sure what to ask. I could use some insight regarding some things my friend said to me. Part of me feels overcome with guilt and part of me is hurt by what he said. I'm living in another country right now, and I live with one of my friends (it's platonic BTW). He has told me that I give up easily, that I'm irresponsible and that I don't deserve to have another pet because I didn't take proper care of my cat. He says things to imply that I don't care and that I'm not capable of taking care of a pet, that I'm immature and irresponsible. I have had a series of pets and planned on having more in the future, but it wasn't in my plans at this point in my life because I don't have the stability I feel I need to take care of one. What happened recently was this: A stray kitten wound up at our house. One day I was upstairs and heard its cries, and I went out into the dog pen and his two dogs were attacking it. I saved the kitten and he took up residence in our garage. My friend suggested I adopt it. I thought about it... even though I didn't feel like it was an ideal time in my life to have a pet but he didn't seem to belong to anyone and no one wanted him. I continued to feed him and give him water and try to get him to lose his fear of me. I was taking him to the animal hospital for a shot yesterday, and he escaped from the box I was carrying him in. I had sealed it with tape, but he broke through it and ran off. Well, he RETURNED that night, and I heard him meowing, so I gave him some food but when I opened the door, he wouldn't go inside. Another kitten appeared in our house the other day, and I talked to my friend about adopting it if no one else would. I KNOW that I recently had another pet that escaped, but I thought... I did what I could for him and this animal MIGHT be different. After twisting his arm, he said he'd *think* about it, but he brutally told me this, you HAD your chance and you didn't take very good care of your cat! I felt kicked in the stomach. I've had a series of pets and taking really good care of them and I feel like he's slandered me to my face. He told me that it was MY fault that my cat escaped and that I had my chance with a pet and blew it. He said that I didn't take could care of him and that I'm irresponsible and don't care.The cat that I had was constantly going to the bathroom in the yard, and I had to clean up after it. When he said I didn't care for my cat, I said, I fed him, gave him water, took him for shots, that's unfair for you to say that about me. He brought up the cat's messes. he said that he was always having to TELL me to clean up after him and that I never took the initiative. I was never given the CHANCE. I would return home on my lunch break and he would tell me about the mess when I walked in the door, that happened while I was working... I think... what the hell was I supposed to do, stay home from work?It hurts me that he said I didn't take good care of my pet. Part of me hurts because I feel like I'm a terrible person, and a failure. I feel like I'm not as smart or capable as other people, I see people younger than me who are able to take care of pets and I can't do it. Part of me feels overcome with anger and unfairly accused. He called me selfish... he said that I think animals are just objects to make us happy and that my thinking is selfish... I have loved all my pets with my whole heart, but, oh wait, he's psychic and can read my damn mind. I was taking the cat to get shots, and bought him food, with the money I worked hard to earn.My friend often says hurtful things and when I tell him I don't like it, he defends what he said. He has a friend that sometimes visits us, and he accused me of being rude and annoying in front of her. Then, he started acting loving and romantic with her. If I didn't know better, I would say that he says things to make me jealous and feel left out on purpose! I don't really like the girl and I don't like being forced to fake insincere friendliness. I don't like the way that he's loving and romantic with her and the way she gets joy from him. I get angry and irritable when I see other girls getting joy from their boyfriends, thinking that should be ME, and ´´if only some guy would give me a chance as a girlfriend...'' but as an American, I realize my chances of a guy liking me are slim. I don't feel like doing anything but weeping. Sometimes I feel like someone is deliberately torturing me. I would like to have a pet... I LONG for one but part of me feels like I'm not smart enough to have one. I'm overcome with self-hatred because I don't feel like I'm smart enough to have a pet or do things that other people do. I keep thinking... why am I so STUPID? I'm overcome with anger at the harsh things my friend has said... I just feel torn, I guess.I know it wasn't an ideal time to adopt a pet, but I didn't set out to do this... the kitten literally fell out of the sky!Yesterday morning, he called me a liar... he said, ''Sometimes I think you lie a little.'' I can accept an honest answer... but I'm so wounded and broken from this. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and can't escape. I have to work in a couple of hours and I loved the job but right now my heart isn't in anything I do because it's too broken. Part of me hates myself for being stupid and a terrible person, and part of me is overcome ith anger because I am always being misunderstood and feel unfairly accused. I felt a moral responsibility to help the animal, but I didn't plan, and I tried to help it. I just don't think he wanted to be a pet.Am I just stupid? I worry that I'm not as smart as most people. What do you think about this stuff he said to me? I would never kill myself, because I am sure that is just what my friend and his girlfriend WANT me to be- dead- and by staying alive I can get back at them both and torture them. But, I just can't function because I'm feeling so SAD! I would like to have pets in the future but feel I don't deserve them! At the same time I feel misunderstood and it keeps stinging me, the pain won't go away.He's accused me of lying, called me annoying, and now irresponsible and a selfish person who thinks animals are objects to entertain us. Then he's loving and romantic to the girlfriend. I fantasize about sledgehammers. Am I stupid, or crazy? How can I get through the day? Thanks if you can help. This is breaking me.
View related questions:
immature, jealous, liar, money, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): I'm the OP. Well, first of all, thanks for your advice, you brought up some things I hadn't considered.I really care for this friend and he has done nice things for me in the past. What hurts me, though, is sometimes I feel that the girlfriend is more special to him than I am. I know that you can't ALWAYS be number one; I don't have a princess complex or anything, but it's just that a series of (platonic) guy friends have but their girlfriends first. For example, you mentioned that he might have been having a bad day and took it out on me... you COULD be right. BUT... he never takes it out on the girlfriend. I've noticed an incongruency, even though he is a friend and sincere, I think. I've never seen him being anything but loving and romantic with the girlfriend. I don't know for a fact that he has never taken things out on her. But, he has spoken harshly to me. It hurts me so much sometimes that he seems to care about her more... maybe it's jealousy but I look at the situation and think, it's not fair.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (19 May 2011):
 You had a fight, at the same time as losing a cat. It's a one-two punch to your emotions, and it's making you blow this out of proportion. Take a few deep breaths.Your friend may have intended to simply point out something he saw, which he believed was true and which he believed you needed to hear. Was he correct? Maybe. But he believed he was. Maybe he was stressed because you're trying to keep new pets in his house, and he was too nice to say "No" the first time, so now he's letting it all out at once.Pet owners get very emotional about animals. You reacted to the loss of the cat, and the appearance of the new cat, by getting very attached, very quickly. He owns dogs - he is reacting because he likes animals, and saw one suffering, and he got very angry about it. Of course he's going to get in your face about it. And of course you're going to be especially vulnerable at that moment. It's because you both care.Maybe when he says you lie a little sometimes, he's referring to lying to yourself about things. Or trying to put a good face on things. It's the kind of thing a lot of people do, that bothers some people, and if he was already upset, he might point it out. Not a huge deal.Or maybe he was just having a bad day and took it out on you. Even the best friends do that sometimes, and you were particularly vulnerable to it after losing a cat.Stop beating yourself up, and don't lash back out at your friend over this. They *don't* want you dead, they *don't* hate you, and *stop* thinking like that.I don't think you're stupid or crazy, but you're very hurt and you need to take control of yourself, put things in perspective. Hopefully it helped to vent a bit here. Go to your friend, thank him for his cooperation with the first cat, thank him for letting you stay at his place, and let him know that while the way he said it hurt your feeligns, you appreciate that he meant it as a way to help you be better with animals in the future. Don't attack him for anything, and don't attack yourself for it, just try to find the good in things.
...............................
|
