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male
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anonymous
writes: hello, I'm bi and ive told my best friend and also told him i loved him, he was more than fine with it. He isn't bi yet was willing to kiss me, we did a few times and it was great... i said many times not to do it if it was just to make me happy, he said he did want to do it. He know says he doesnt want to do anything like that again, which is fine, but i asked why he ever did and he said to make me feel happy, i just cant help but feel used. I still love him and will for ages, yet also hate him right now, i dont even want to forget about him, why would he ever kiss me? Was it selfish for him to ever kiss me? I dont know what to think of him now
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): Hon, you are seriously overreacting to this situation. What's going on that's got your emotions so wildly chaotic?
I don't mean to sound harsh - I'm sure the feelings of awfulness that you have are very, very real. The thing is, though, they seem like a disproportionate response to someone kissing you and then saying he doesn't want to kiss you any more. Because you're not sad that you have feelings for someone you can't be with - you're angry and filled with these conflicting emotions of love and hate. So I feel 100% confident in saying that I'm positive there is something much deeper going on here.
I agree with the other poster - you sound young. In your teens, hormones are enough to make you batty and turn your emotions into a whirlwind, so if you're under 20, keep that in mind. One of the best things you can do is to really take that in on an intellectual level. Because your emotions will continue to spin wildly out of control at times, but if you can just convince yourself that they will eventually go away, you'll be more likely to just go to sleep and wake up feeling better. Knowing that they'll go away won't make you feel any better, but it will very likely keep you from making stupid decisions that will make things worse.
The other thing to do is to really try to think critically about what has you so upset. It is not just the fact that this guy doesn't want to kiss you any more. In fact, I'd put good money on the idea that it's not even mostly about this guy. If you're as young as I think you are, my guess is you're confused about being bi. You're worried about how your life will be - will people accept you? Will you find true love? You're probably hypersensitive to rejection. That's okay - it's not a criticism - it's just an observation. If I'm right, and you realize that you ARE more sensitive than most people, DON'T take that as a bad thing that you need to feel guilty for or berate yourself over. Just recognize it. And accept it as part of who you are, at least for right now. And try to identify the reasons for it. My guess is that you're sensitive to rejection at least partly b/c you haven't fully accepted yourself. Developing a really secure sense of self takes years, and lots of people never really do it. You have a chance to start on that now, if you recognize it as something that's contributing to all these emotions.
Finally, it doesn't at all sound to me like your friend "used" you. It doesn't sound like he told you something that wasn't true, or that he pretended to have feelings with you so he could get something he wanted, only to ditch you once he'd gotten it. You didn't indicate that he's stopped associating with you - only that he's been awkward and has said he doesn't want to do anything like that anymore. Understand that he's probably confronting a lot of his own issues right now - he has to decide how he feels about all this. If he liked the kiss, he has to start wondering what that means. Is he gay? Bi? Just a straight guy who didn't mind kissing another guy? And if he DIDN'T like the kiss, then he's got a ton of other stuff to think about. Did he ruin your friendship? Will people find out and assume he's gay, even though he now feels sure he's not? And if they do, how does he feel about that? And now that he kissed you, will you try to "convert" him? (I know, the last one is probably stupid, but my guess is your friend is also young and inexperienced, and look, these are the irrational fears that enter the minds of the young and confused.)
Try to just step back from the situation, breathe deeply, and convince yourself that things will be okay, eventually. They really, really, really will be.
A
female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (20 April 2006):
You don't say how old you are, but you sound young.
I would say that you mutually used each other - you wanted to kiss a boy and you did. He kissed you, and it sounds like either he wanted to make your happy (which is not really using you, is it?) or that he wondered whether he liked you to.
Either way, he has now back tracked, and you need to respect that.
If he is a good friend, just make up and move on - and find yourself a nice bloke (or if you are bi, maybe a nice woman) and don't get hung up about it.
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