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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Am i overreacting or taking this too far by telling my best friend i don't want to be friends anymore. Would you still be friends with someone who did this... Before I start, i just want to say unlike the girl. I didn't know the area we were in, the clubs, the streets, any of it!?! A few nights ago we went out together and for weeks i had been looking forward to celebrating my new job, but never had the time off. Finally i got time off and my best friend and i went out together. Which was nice since we hadn't seen each other all summer and who better to celebrate with? Wrong. My 'best friend' -- Spilt my drink over me several times- Continuously left me by myself or with a bunch of strangers- Some creepy guy wouldn't leave off me and when i asked her for help and not to leave my side, she encouraged him and then disappeared. Leaving yet again another stranger to help me out.- Ignored me when she was with her friends- I spent over half an hour trying to find her, turned out she had already left the club and was outside. And didn't bother to tell me.- When we were outside and some guys were talking to me, she again decided to wander off. But what was worse was at the very end of the night, before our taxi home. She went off to get some money out and i was on a street at gone 4.30am with nobody about and all by myself. I had cars full of guys pulling up beside me! I was bloody scared, that i ended up in tears. She completely ruined my night and she doesn't care, she has no idea how i felt!!Not once did she say sorry or even show any sign or care for leaving me or rather how i felt. Every time, her excuse for leaving me was 'i didn't notice you weren't with me'. Oh! and the reason she was disappearing so much and ignoring me, was because she was too fixated with staying with the guy she liked. He was all she cared about this night!?So am i blowing this out of proportion? Or am i right in not wanting to be friends, i mean one of my friends said i shouldn't give up on our friendship. I should just not go out in the evenings with her.... But i don't know if i can even be friends with her after this... What's your guys view?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 August 2011):
 Wow, well lesson learned I hope? I wouldn't be mega mad, but I would NOT go out with her again.
Honestly, it sounds like you weren't having fun at all on your night out and that sucks.
Talk to her, tell her how it made you feel. Maybe the people she goes out clubbing with act differently.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (26 August 2011):
The problem is not with you or your friend actually.
The problem is you both had different agenda's, and you both have different styles of being in the world.
Your agenda when meeting up with your friend was that you wanted to spend quality bonding time with her, and make it an occasion to celebrate your new job. Because you wanted to celebrate, part of your agenda was that the night would have some of its focus on your celebration, where you would recieve some recognition and attention for your good news. So your agenda was that part of the focus of the night would therefore be on you, as well as just general fun.
She wanted to go out with you and have a night of fun
. She wanted you to be there, she likes to have fun in the presence of her friends rather than without them, and she may have acknowledged the fact that you got a new job at some point in the evening, but neither you nor your celebration was a primary focus for her, for her when friends get together to go out, they are part of the fun but not the focus. For her the agenda for the night was dancing, drinking, flirting with boys, etc. She was not focused on you specifically. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, care about you, or value you, she just focuses on having fun rather than on the people she is with. Sometimes you would come into her focus, but at other times her focus would move to some of your other friends who were there, or to guys she was chatting up, or drinking, or dancing, you were not the focus of her world at that time.
While she was focused on having fun, you were focused on her, where was she when you were left on your own with strangers, where was she when she was with her other friends, where was she when you were looking for her in the club, etc. When she was on her own chatting to strangers, do you think she was wondering where you were, or do you think she spent half an hour searching the club for you? No, she didn't, and not because she doesn't care about you, more that she is independant and doesn't need for you to be around in order to feel secure when she is out.
Part of the reasons for these different agendas are your different styles. She sounds indepenant, spontaneous, free spirited, like a bit of a social butterfly. She doesn't need someone to look after her when she goes out, she can move about independantly without needing someone to be with her, she is probably quite confident and trusting. When you were outside scared on your own, she was also outside on her own getting money. She wasn't scared though, because she has a more independant and trusting nature by the sounds of it.
You on the other hand feel like you always need someone to help you out. You are less independant, more cautious, more fearfull, less focused on yourself and are more focused on other people in order to feel like you know where you stand and feel secure. This is just your style of being in the world, it is not a case of better or worse, that hers is better or worse than yours, they are just different ways of being in the world. For example, her style makes her more free and spontaneous, but yours makes you more thoughtful of others and empathic, which she is not as good at. People can experience her as being selfish sometimes when she isn't able to give her focus to them, as you have experienced in this evening.
You wanted to have her around and have her focus on you, that is the way you feel comfortable and like to enjoy yourself. You don't do this in a selfish way either, when she is around you like to focus on her and give her attention, and you just want to recieve her attention in return.
However, you can't make someone give you their attention, and you can't blame her for her independant style, there is nothing wrong with her being who she is. Also, the context plays a part. If you were at a coffee shop or restaurant, she would have given you more attention. You were out at clubs and bars, with drinking and flirting going in, you can't blame her for not giving you the attention you were hoping for, not only is her style of being in the world not enclined to give you the attention you were seeking at that time, but the context made it less likely too.
She didn't say sorry or show you signs of care, because she had no idea you were feeling the way you were feeling. She was floating about on her own feeling fine, and probably assumed you would be the same. She doesn't realise you have a different way of being in the world, so it wouldn't occur to her that there is a problem.
I want to be clear that your feelings are totally valid. When you felt scared, or neglected because you were left on your own, or frustrated because she had the kind of night she wanted and you didn't get the kind of night you wanted, you have every right to feel the way you do. However, that doesn't mean she did anything wrong. She is entitled to behave the way she wants to, it is not for you to control her or how she behaves, or that she has to be the way you want her to be. I do think that her style makes her selfish, and I do think she was selfish and insensitive for not taking more care to notice how you were doing, she probably has a hard time noticing that she is not giving you enough consideration, but that doesn't mean she has done anything wrong. It does however affect the way you feel about her, and affects your relationship. If she can't give you the attention and care you need, she might not be able to be the friend you need, or want to have around. People like her can be lots of fun, and can be good friends, but if you need more than she can give you might not be compatible. It isn't her fault or your fault, you might just not be compatible in this way.
Like in all relationships, communication is the most important thing, especially communication of feelings. Tell her how you feel, and how you felt, and that you had lovely expectations for the evening that weren't fulfilled. You can explain that she is entitled to be free to behave however she wants, but that her behaviour does affect you and your relationship when she doesn't keep you in mind. She might need to learn how to be more considerate, in the same way that you might need to learn to be more independant. If you are both close, and get on well in general, you might have a lot to learn from one another through this friendship, if you have the courage to face your feelings and differences, and learn to be more flexible in your styles, you can both grow through knowing one another.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 Take a few days to cool off. Was it a dangerous town? Here were I live it wouldn't matter at all if you were left to yourself for a while, seeing as you are a big girl. I go out clubbing on my own quite often. Were the guys who approach you/drove by you a real threat? Or just unpleasant?
No, she shouldn't have ditched you as much as she did. Spilling drinks is an honest mistake often made when drunk. You shouldn't pile that one on her. Her only real bad actions were leaving without telling you, and doing so numerous times during the evening.
I have no idea why she left you so much seeing as she was supposed to be there with YOU, not someone else.
Ask her this. Ask her why she left so often, and that you felt ditched and uncomfortable being left alone by her in a town you don't know, with people you don't know. It is quite rude. And I know how it feels! It's happened to me twice! Once by a friend of mine who left me alone in no other city than Moscow, in the middle of the night (do you have any idea how dangerous Moscow is?). I was annoyed, I swore his head off, but I remained friends after getting a sincere apology and promise to never do it again. However I didn't go out clubbing with that friend again.
I was once ditched by my very own boyfriend at a wedding in a random city, with strangers around me as he took off with some ... *drumroll* woman he had met at the wedding! I had to look for him all evening, and he disappeared with that other woman the entire time, leaving me alone with god knows who (the wedding was with an old friend of HIS, I had no idea who they were.) I didn't dump him right there and then, in fact I carried on the relationship and dumped him a week later after another similar incident. I'm patient and kind, but there's only so much even I can tolerate...
Just cool down. Talk to your friend. Ask her why she did it. Then tell her you're questioning what sort of friend she is to you when she can do this. Then take some time off apart and see how you feel about it. If she ever contacts you again, maybe you'll feel different about it then.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 sounds like she is just using you for someone to go out with and then when guys show an interest in her she doesn't need you. it can be very dangerous to split up from your friends on a night out, you should look after each other. this girl is someone who is ok if you just want someone to drink with but if you are looking for a REAL friend, then i think you best keep looking. you may not have to stop being mates with her but you should definitely not go out with her again if its just the two of you on your own, a group would be ok or at least with one other friend so that you will not be on your own when she ditches you for men
x
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A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (25 August 2011):
do you know what i went through the exact same situation word for word exactly as you just described the only difference was i had a seizure and she went to another club and left me there and 2 bouncers had to help me to a taxi we dont really talk much anymore we were meant to go on holiday togeter but i just told her that i would never forgive her for what she had done and i wouldnt be going anywhere with her and she was actually full of remorse and felt very guilty but ive just kind of stopped talking to her i say hi occasionally but it'll never be the same. Basically what i'm trying to say is tell her how much of a bitch she was acting that night and how you really feel and if she feels no guilt or remorse just get her out of your life because shes worth nothing
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (25 August 2011):
 If you told her how you felt about her abandoning you and she showed no signs of regret...then no, she is not your friend.
Chalk it up for experience and hang with people who care about your well-being AND safety.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): I'll start off by saying that I am a pretty even-keeled, fair person who gives people the benefit of the doubt, usually.That said, you aren't blowing this out of proportion. For her to "not realize" that you weren't with her is laughable: it either means she is incredibly uncaring about your presence, or incredibly irresponsible for your welfare. No friend would treat another friend this way. I would tell her how you feel, that you felt betrayed and that you're pissed at her, and that you're not interested in hanging out with her alone ever again. Be the bigger person here and be honest, then back up your word with actions. You're young and you have time to make quality friends that care about you.That being said, you ALSO have a responsibility in these types of situations. If your mate out at the pubs is running off without you, take charge of your situation (and your life) and go with her. Don't let her get away with it (or away from you) and follow her around. You also have a responsibility to not LET people treat you this way. The first thing to have been done would be to get up and follow her wherever she was going and then say, "hey don't leave me alone with this creep/these strangers. I need to hang out with someone I know right now." If she continued, then that's it, you're done, go home and tell her not to call because she's no friend. Stand up for yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): i would totally agree with you by saying your friend was acting like a mega bitchshes not jealous of your new job perchance ?i would let her know she really pissed you off and if you dont like her attitude then leave her wallow in her own mess. she'll come unstuck eventually sorry that happened to you x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): She will have known exactly what she was doing and for some reason she is jealous of you. She is shit, and i believe she quietly see's you as a rival.
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