A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Because of my lifestyle, job etc I always need to work by a schedule. There are people who exist with everything last minute - like if they are meeting their friend they can happily call 10mins before to make plans - but with me I need to have a rough idea at least a few hours before so I can plan my hectic day accordingly.My friend is really bad with being on time and keeping to schedules. The last 3 times we planned to meet she was 2hrs late so of course I find this really annoying and it messes me about! She texts me when 5 mins away-so I will walk down to the station (as I live 5mins walk) to meet her. Say we planned to meet at 8, she wont text me till about 9 to say she is late, she never apologises and will say she will be there at 9:30-then not text me till about 10:30 to say she is 5mins away! Of course many times I have mentioned the issue of her being late and how I need to work around my work schedule so she should always let me know in advance what she is doing, if she will be late etc! Sometimes just laughs saying I am acting like her mum or says I am too regimental or something or the next!Anyway so today, I am meant to be taking her out to dinner, she told me we will go to the restaurant for 7pm (I told her I needed to book a table, in reality I dont - just wanted to make sure she would be on time for a change!) However she was meant to be coming over to my house first as she is staying for a long weekend and she wanted to drop her bags off first. Today she has planned to go to the movies with a friend at 12:30 but wasnt sure if the friend could make it or not - she was meant to let me know as soon as she knew so we can estimate what time to expect her over. Of course now it is 4pm and I havent heard from her - and of course by now she would have either gone to the movie or not! And knowing her I am sure she is probably going to be late as usual or text me last minute (when it is probably already late!)And as whingy as this sounds - I really don't want to fork out on a very expensive meal if she is just going to mess me about like this and not have the courtesy to be on time or at least let me know what she is doing or if she is going to be late. So what do I do? I don't want to be a complete bitch at the same time or start an argument! I mean, apart from this issue she is a good friend in other aspects and I have known her since I was 5 so not the sort of person I would "disown" completely.Anyway would love to hear some advice and tips about this situation! I do NOT want to text her - I constantly chase her up when she is late, and for a change I don't want to as that should be her duty to politely inform me, so perhaps she needs to learn a lesson here - who knows! And really I do not want to take her out to dinner if she is going to turn up 2 hrs late as per usual and not even give me any notice!
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male
reader, fuzzylogic72 +, writes (24 July 2010):
 THANK YOU!!! For submitting this question... I am a 30-something single male, never had problems with ladies (i.e., NOT desperate for female attention), but appreciate my friends, male and females alike. There is one girl who I have been friends with for a couple years, and although I value our friendship greatly, it has been not without significant frustration and a bit of 'simmering tension' on my part when it comes to making plans with her. She is quite a bit younger than me, but I never cared much about that, as I always believed some people are 'older than their years', and others younger. But holy crap, am I ever getting SICK OF THIS B.S.!!! I would add my experience to what the poster said in hers, but it is essentially a carbon-copy. I'm a teacher, and transitioning into a career in counseling, and I'm realizing that people like this (who are reliably unreliable, last-minute 'fairweather friends'), while not necessarily suffering from a Personality Disorder, can exhibit behaviors which are characteristic of PD's. In this case, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and sometimes even Bipolar Disorder are conditions which present with all of the aforementioned traits, behaviors and tendencies in relationships.
As for WHAT TO DO about it? All I can say is to google the personality disorders listed above, and see if you can find a blog or discussion thread. Once you get a background on these conditions, you then must decide whether this is really something you want to take on or not. As another poster mentioned, they will certainly continue to do this as long as you tolerate it. If they have one of these disorders, they truly do not even realize the effects their behaviors have on others, and even if confronted with it in a friendly manner, would not acknowledge it and might get very hypersensitive and counter attack saying it is YOU with the problem (this is a textbook response from a Borderline personality type). If the don't have one of these conditions, then they are aware of what they are doing, but somehow feel justified in doing it, like it's their right. this would indicate a base lack of respect in your friendship, as they are willing to ditch on any plans, given the opportunity for 'better' plans as they arise. This too is a characteristic of Narcissistic/Borderline Personality Disorder. So in practice, it seems that the intensity of these behaviors are just a matter of degree, but the results for the people who choose to associate with these people are ultimately the same:
1)waiting (a LOT)
2)frustration
3)tongue-biting (they are usually somewhat self-righteous, and wouldn't make communicating your concerns easy)
4)self-doubt (is this really a friendship? Am I being a sucker?)
5)A LOT of wasted time and energy (IMHO)
I hope this comforts some of you who are in my position, and are feeling the futility of ever having to rely on these people (unless it is convenient for them to actually follow-through).
There are people out there who are worth your time and effort; this people may or may not be one of those people...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): I personally don't see this situation as being your fault at all. But in cases such as this, in my opinion, it's highly worth taking an assertive approach. As, going by my own experience with unreliable friends, the longer you put up with it and don't say anything about their treatment the longer they will carry on thinking you're fine with their behaviour and continue on with it.
I realise this reply is pretty late. But in case you're still interested in hearing any suggestions what I would probably do in advance, if I was in that type of situation, is specifically ask her to give a confirmation by a reasonable time (i.e. by the evening before or at least a few hours in advance) when next making plans. But also make a point of mentioning that if I hadn't heard from her by that time then I would assume plans had changed and would wait for her to come back to me another time. That way you're not being rude, but at the same time are getting the message across that you won't be messed about.
Hope that helped!
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