A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who is married to an abusive husband. 6 yrs ago we had an affair. I fell desperately in love with this woman. She said she felt the same about me. Her husband found out when she told him she wanted a divorce. He got violent on numerous occasions and ended up raping her. She had no one, no family to help her so I stepped in (which made him worse obviously). In the end after nearly a year I had to walk away alone. I never stopped loving her but kept away (no contact). Then out of the blue 6 yrs later she calls me. We talk. She tells me how bad he has got. 3 wks ago he raped her again (he has raped her 3 more times in the last 6 yrs) and she is pregnant! She tells me she still loves me which knocks me sideways. Then last night something happened (I don't know what triggered it) and he goes ballistic and smashed the house apart. His own daughter calls the Police and he gets arrested (night in cells). She then calls me up to tell me she is not going to contact me anymore as it's her fault why he is like this. Now I'm left devastated with worry. Is she safe? Does she want me to fight for her, help her get out ( she said she doesn't love him)? I'm reluctant to interfere as I could make it worse but I feel I just can't sit back and do nothing. I'm not going to contact her anymore but I know if she calls I'll answer the phone. Should I be selfish and think of myself or should I put her feelings and needs first? I'm not sure I could go thru that again and watch him hurt her. I nearly lost my cool last time and hurt him. Any advice because I just do not know what she's thinking or why or what I should do. The one thing I do know is she won't use the Police. Could she be that scared or is she just using me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): I now have no way of contacting her, short of knocking on her door which I don't think is a good idea! I guess he took her phone or destroyed it as it's permanently unobtainable. The last time we spoke she told me she did not love him and was preparing to tell him to get out in a week or so. Maybe that's what she did that night, I don't know. I guess I just got to sit & wait, let the dust die down & be here if she needs me. There hasn't even been any signs of life at the house for 5 days now, no car, nothing. I just do not want to get involved in the mistaken belief that she might need help & make things far worse for her & her kids. She may well be handling this herself. Then again she may not....
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (11 October 2007):
Its hard for anyone who hasnt been abused before to understand why they 'just dont leave' the abuser. Often it boils down to deep insecurities, fear and isolation.
However I think by her calling you, it is her scream for help...I think she may want you to help, but on the other hand, be too scared to accept any help.
Despite how much she may hate the situation shes in, she has to be able to see it and her husband for what it really is...otherwise she wont leave. She seems ot be lving in denial, a false sense of reality, as she blames her self for what is going on. Thats common in many victims of abuse.
If I was you, I would do some reading up on the net about abuse, so you cna undersand better where she is coming from and maybe even talk to her about it. However dont be suprised if you cant make her see what is really going on, it often takes professioanl help to get somoene to leave an abuser.
Tell her to call an abuse hotline. That is the beest thing you can do. Its not telling her to just leave her husband, because thts scary. But by her callinga helpline she can talk to a trained profesional who can really help her and hopefully help her find a way out. So search for a local abuse hotline number and next time she rings give it to her. Or maybe find some other way of giving it to her soooner.
The other thing you could do is talk to the police, but I duno, i doubt there is much they can do unless she is willing to admit it to them.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (11 October 2007):
 Is she safe, NO. This is not a good situation. I was really getting excited when I saw he got arrested, because that would be a positive start, until I saw she was blaming herself for his actions. I wouldn't say she wants you to fight for her, she's lost, confused, no self esteem, no confidence to make a change.
Let me tell you what happens. The more she is beat, why doesn't she just leave. She is learning to cope or adjust to him. Think of it this way. She knows what he's like and somewhat how to protect herself. If she left with someone else, she'd be entering into unknown territory. For battered women, sometimes its easier to stay in the hell you know than to go into one you don't.
She's lost ALL her strength. She will need someone with strength, and not necessarily you, that will stand up for her and get her out of this situation.
I think she is scared. I would personally use any means possible to get her out of there and to a safe house. This is affecting his daughter as well. I know you don't want to get involved. And I don't know how to advise you with that. It's your choice, but this could end up much worse than it all ready has. I will say that with your love for her It's kind of hard to love someone when he snaps, goes too far, and she's being buried.
Do you know if he's abusing his daughter as well aside from watching this stuff. If he is, I'd turn that over to social services. I would do that anyway. I'd let them know there is an ongoing, very aggressive domestic violence with a child located in the home.
I hope everything works out for her.
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (11 October 2007):
 Firstly, in this century there must be a way out for her!
Why is this lady still with her husband, please do not tell me it is for the daughter.
For kids to experience this traumatic and violent environment, it is not safe or healthy for them.
My father was a violent man and my mother only had courage to leave him when I was 17 years old! I wish she has left him when I was 17 months which was when it started. But this is not about me, this is about you, an abused spouse and her kid.
Police do not have the resources to deal with domestic violence unless there is blood drawn. After one night in custody, the abusive spouse knows where the victim lives, awaiting for more!
If you really care for this woman, the best thing you can do is advise her:
If the Police cannot protect her, she must protect herself. Ask her to visit her local council, they may be able to get her in touch with organisations that protect Abuse victims and help give her a new start and to get more privacy.
She needs to get her life sorted out before getting another party involved. Help as a friend, nothing else is my opinion.
This woman might not be using you but next to an abusive rapist husband, any other man would seem like a Prince Charming ready to rescue and help her escape her hell. Encourage her to be strong on her own and take control of her life, rather than becoming dependent on another person.
Take care
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