A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About four months ago, my best friend proposed to his girlfriend, who is also one of my best friends. On the way home after he proposed, a drunk driver crashed into his car. He was in a coma for a few days and came out of it eventually, but he died not long after when she was with him. She's always been very secretive when it comes to emotions - she keeps herself to herself all the time. She acts like she's coping but I can see through it. She puts on a brave face but she isn't eating and has lost a lot of weight since. She isn't sleeping either, or doing anything in particular. I've tried speaking to her but she won't listen, and says she's fine, she just misses him. Her sister tells me that she's listened to her crying at night, and sometimes all night since. I know that she misses him and whatever, but I'm really worried about her. She seems to be getting worse and worse and I don't really know what to do for her anymore. If anyone has any ideas on how I can help her out, whether it be helping her get on with her life or just leaving her to it, I'd love to hear them. It would be a great help. I can't see her suffer like this anymore. She's young and she's got her whole life ahead of her - I need her to see that.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 July 2008):
 First of all, let me offer my condolences to you. You've lost your best friend too and are going through mourning as well.
Second, I think that you are a really good person to be so worried about her and to want to help as best you can.
I lost my best friend a little under two years ago, and it has been very difficult to watch her husband deal with this loss. All I can do is to offer him my support and let him choose whether or not to take it. After she died, I called him every day for at least two months. (We don't live close to him.) I would call him and just talk about whatever, my day, any plans, and if she came up in the conversation, I would try to talk naturally about her to him, and remember the good stuff and the laughter and how important she was in our lives.
I too would like to see him moving on with life, but each of us mourns in our own way, and you can't rush things or force things to move faster, just because you're uncomfortable with how slowly their recovery seems to be going. It is a process, and one that can't be rushed. If you do try to force this, you will only succeed in making her feel guilty about the very natural feelings she is experiencing.
It has only been four months, and I think that is VERY early in this grieving process. So my advice to you is to continue to be a good friend, to let her talk or NOT talk, as she so chooses. If you think she could use some grief therapy, find a counselor for her and give her the contact details, but DO NOT push.
Here's a website that might be of some use to you and to her, if you'd like to share it with her.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
You say you need her to see that her whole life is ahead of her. What matters is what she needs, not so much what you need. Does that make sense? Do NOT make her feel guilty by your impatience for her to get through this more quickly. Give her time to grieve, give her another 8 months, and if she continues to lose weight and appears unhealthy, then you should indeed try to intervene. But for now, let her do what she needs to do. Just make sure she knows that she can count on you, and any of your other friends.
And again, my deepest sympathy.
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