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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, my best friend has a two year relationship with such a jerk, but she puts up with it. Recently she's been depressed and has gotten a bad body image and suddenly stopped eating food we normally love together because she found out her boyfriend had pictures of some old girlfriend's naked body on his computer. My friend told me she was beautiful and was ticked off at her boyfriend of course and made him delete it and he did, but he also has pictures of this porn star he loves and a calender. She told me she feels now unattractive and not enough for him and like she has to compete with a porn star and naked pictures of past girlfriends. She feels even more badly because that day they made love with each other and (not for the first time) then she saw this picture on his computer when he was showing her some other pictures he had of his family. I don't know where to start with trying to make her feel better though. I never had anything like that happen to me, could anyone advise me on how to help her? thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): All the advice given has been very good. I have to tell you what happened to a friend of mine who went through a similar experience. She was married 25 years, hubby told her she was horrid looking (she wasn't) and he left her for a much younger women. Her self-image, like your friend was in the dumper. She was having a real hard time of it. She even went to counseling to cope. Her counselor told her to try an experiment..because trying to tell her she was this awesome, great person was doing no good. He told her to go home and sign up on a reputable good dating site. He told her to post a picture of herself. She was relunctant but she did it. He then told her to report back in a week to see how many "hits' she got from men wanting to communicate with her. She about 6 'hits' within the first half hour after posting her profile. She decided to take this a step further a meet a few select men. She met a couple real losers but quite a few of them were quite entranced with her. Anyways, this little 'experiemnt did more for her in a short time than always telling her she was great, she was beautiful, etc. She had to find out for herself. This friend of mine has now met the most incredible man who treats her like a queen...she's in love and I am very happy for her! Sometimes all the reassurances in the world do no good. You have to let this friend find out on her own that the ex bf was 'jackass' and that there are wonderful, available men out there who will appreciate her. Maybe this is an 'experiment' you friend might consider. What can it hurt? I know it worked for my friend. She is healed, happy and ready to take on the world. Just a suggestion that may help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there--I'd like to thank you for your answers, I really appreciate it because I had no idea how to approach her about this. However, I didn't want to make it sound like she never eats, she just now has this idea in her head that she's fat or unattractive and has put herself on a diet when she doesn't need to be. If you saw her, you would see she could win beauty pageants--he is just a jerk all around--he didn't do anything for their second anniversary or even give her a card, he doesn't pay for her when they go to places, and he does have a violent streak that he has never taken out on her, but needless to say I'm worried about her and I don't like him very much because she always tells me how he's taking advanatge of her, yet she always stays! Which I don't know why she does when there's plenty of other guys in the world who are a hundred times better than this jerk she's out with now..but thank you very much for your answers
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (23 June 2006):
 At the end of the day it is not her boyfriend making her feel bad, she is doing that job to herself. I am not saying his actions are very nice, but someone who was feeling good about themselves would not care about an ex too much. She has probably got a bad case of depression that requires treatment - eating disorders are caused by clinical depression and respond to the same treatment. As her friend you are in a tricky position - if you tell her that her man is bad news she will see you as the jealous, interfering friend (not saying you are but depressives have a nasty habit of distorting things), but if you say nothing then you feel guilty. Ultimately she is responsible for her own behaviour and thoughts, and although she may require professional help she has to get that in her own time. As the old saying goes...you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink! As a good friend, you may wish to suggest she sees her doctor, and if she agrees then perhaps you could go with her. Other than that all you can do is be a good listener in the meantime. With treatment, she will feel better about herself, and may even realise that she is too good for this man she is seeing at the moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): Normally I'd jump in here and say that porn is ok and unavoidable even in longterm relationships, but keeping around naked pictures of ex-girlfriends REALLY crosses the line. Porn-stars are completely in the realm of harmless fantasy, but a flesh-and-blood ex-girlfriend obsession is far more significant. It sounds like this guy hasn't quite finished with his ex yet, and it may be in your friend's best interest if she tossed him for both their sakes.
If she's foregoing eating, that is something to be doubly concerned about. It often seems like there's one thing that sets it off (competing with ex-girlfriends, for instance), but it's almost always more complicated. If you're worried that she isn't eating enough, you need to encourage her to tell her parents or a counsellor that she's having body-image problems. Best to nip it in the bud before it gets very serious.
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