A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles!My friend recently started asking me seriously (up until now it was purely rhetorical) why she can't find a partner.Should I tell her what I think? It's just an opinion, I'm not a shrink. I'm afraid that she might be hurt by what I have to say on that subject.I've known her since kindergarten. We've been through thick and thin... we even work in the same field. Here's what I think. She doesn't fall in love with a person, but with an idea. This idea is always connected to how important and rich this person is. Here's an image: If we were in the movie business she would fall for actors and directors only and ignore the technical team.She's not rude to men who do not fit her bill. She just doesn't give them a chance, whereas the guys who do fit the bill, can get away with anything (lying, cheating...).She's lonely and always complains how nobody wants to be with her.Last week we went for a coffee with a colleague of ours. I didn't know she was hoping his boss would come along, the guy she's interested in. She was on the edge the whole time, kept asking questions about the boss... It was painfully obvious how eager and interested she was. And it was weird and inappropriate because the guy is married!When we left she asked me if she had been too obvious and I lied to her, she was sad as it was.I think she would be hurt because she's 41 and would like to have a kid as soon possible (which means finding a partner), doesn't want to see anyone who might help her (therapist) and what I have to say would mean that she needs time and help to figure things out.Her dad was a famous singer in our town and left her and her mom when she was a baby... so you see the link? She doesn't.Thank you! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 December 2018):
 Yes, if she asks for your opinion and you think it's a sincere request then answer truthfully. She might be very upset by what you have to say, so keep it brief. Don't volunteer examples. Instead let her ask for clarification.
At the very least she'll learn not to ask for your opinion unless she actually wants it and it will free you up from having to play this little game of sparing her feelings.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (23 December 2018):
 If she asks for your opinion, be honest, but sensitive about it. Don’t talk about her flaws, just say something like “it may be worth giving single guys a chance who aren’t as wealthy and you might find a loyal partner who mutually likes you”. Don’t lie when she asks you if she’s being too obvious.
She’s your friend, so lying isn’t helping her at all, except to be delusional. However, you also have to consider her feelings and that she’s a grown woman. That’s why honesty is important, but so is being careful how you say things.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (22 December 2018):
The first answer by female anonymous is a great one. And as someone else said, your input will probably not help.
But maybe if you tell her what female anonymous said it will be less your opinion and more "science". Maybe with some luck a light bulb will turn on and she'll go seek help. Either way that help takes time and it may be too late for children.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2018): When someone asks you for an opinion and you're uncertain of what kind of reaction you'll get, you may open your response with:
"I will try to give you my honest opinion. Just promise me you won't take offense, or hold it against me."
Always offer a disclaimer when people ask you for your personal-critique; or your opinion on a touchy subject. They're not always ready for the absolute truth. Let's put it this way; "your perception of the truth!" If you have facts and supportive-evidence; it's the irrefutable truth.
Leaving them this opening gives them a chance to withdraw their question; or to prepare for the answer.
If she was writing to DC, she would be offering it to an open-forum; which allows for a broad range of views and perspectives. While giving authorization and permission to address the inquiry. Noting whatever restrictions, guidelines, and details given by the OP to narrow the scope of responses. The answers received are at your own risk, monitored for tone, rule-compliance, and content. You should be prepared for anything; when asking for opinions from strangers who don't know you. You have some modicum of trust built between you, when you ask a friend. There is no love without trust. If you lose a friendship over honesty, it was never really a friendship or a relationship. It was an emotional-arrangement based on agreeable conditions, and tailored to appeal to vanity.
At 41, an adult should know themselves; and one or two things about dating and relationships. Unless they're living on a deserted island, or under a rock. You've been married, single all your life' or living in a convent or monastery. If she has no clue why she why she can't find a loving romantic-partner; she should be thankful to have a long-time friend. Provided the relationship is founded on honesty, trust, and backed by loyalty.
You've been through thick and thin together, and yet you've never exchanged an honest opinion between you? Difficult to believe! It could only mean you're an enabler, or you tell her what she wants to hear. Maybe a little of both. How do you maintain a real-live relationship, and never come to disagreement or criticism?
Why are you afraid to tell her what you think?
Why would you fear offering someone you care so much about, your honest opinion? Especially when it is so evident she can't see her own faults; but has given you the green-light to voice your honest opinion. Just think before you speak.
You're giving her your personal-opinion; and you may add that she should also seek a professional-opinion in order to address some other issues you are not qualified to address.
Now here's my opinion based on the details you have presented. She is a superficial-person, what Madonna would describe as a "material-girl." She places prestige and financial-comfort ahead all other criteria; when searching for a suitable and compatible mate.
At the top of the list of her criteria, as you have indicated; success overrides character. She doesn't seek men for love, she pursues them for the financial comforts they can provide. If you know this to be the case, tell her. There's a lot of competition out there for that.
If you only seek guys who place wealth and success at the top of their needs and pursuits; there's not much else you can offer them that can compete with that. They usually have their pick from the creme of the crop; because there are a lot of gold-diggers out there. Many of whom do have something to give in return. Most of them are much younger than 41!
Here's some advice for you. You condition people over time when you are always agreeable; or tell them what they want to hear. Then they'll use you simply to make them feel good; or to feed their egos. Not to teach them, advise, or give them guidance. This conditioning, once well-established, will send them into shock; when you break the pattern of what is expected of you. So it is best to establish with your friends that you care enough to be honest; and tell them the truth. Expecting no more and no less in-return.
It may be popular to blame our parents for what we turn-out to be. That's not written in stone; nor is it fair. As an adult, we undergo a lot of exposure. Years of changes, challenges, obstacles, and influences that help us to grow and develop our own tools of survival.
If your development is stunted, arrested, or traumatized; due to your childhood, that's why we have psychologists, psychiatrists, psycho-analysts, and mental-health professionals. For some, we turn to and include our spiritual-faith. We don't have to be victims of the past.
She already knows why she can't find anyone. The question is very much so "still rhetorical." As it was directed to you. She isn't searching for love, nor your opinion. She wants financial-security. Deep-down, nobody really wants people to simply want them for what they have. Everybody needs to feel someone truly cares for them, and for who they are. When she decides to search for that, she'll find it.
We learn through trial and error from the time we're children. If we delude ourselves; we also insulate ourselves from the truth. That's often why even the most intense mental-health therapy won't help some people; even though they don't have brain-damage, post-traumatic stress syndrome, or a mental birth-defect.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 December 2018):
 Do you think she would WANT to hear your honest opinion? Do you think she would take it to heart?
My guess is actually NO to both (but.. YOU know her, I don't - the reason I say I don't think she really WANTS to hear the truth is because she KNOWS what she is doing.
However, I wouldn't lie to her either. She knew full well that she was being obvious, she even asked you. Because she was hoping she hasn't been TOO obvious. I would (as a friend, have told her that it was over the top and inappropriate as the boss is married).
And yes, I can venture a guess that her relationship (or lack thereof) with her father, might be one of the reasons she goes for men she can't have.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 December 2018):
 Stay out of it OP; she's an adult, she knows what she's doing. No one is that naive. If she's choosing the wrong guys then that is her conscious choice. There's not going to be a lightbulb moment for her if you point out her flaws - instead she will pout, play the victim, mope and then you will have to apologise.
An aunt gave you a great suggestion: recommend DC to her and then we can all guide her :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2018): I think yes you can point out to her but not in so many words what is wrong with her, that she is aiming at men who are unavailable, that she should give a chance to men who are below her expectations and you never know, they might turn out to be exactly what she wants, that behind every great man there is a great woman, which incidently I think is quite true. Personaly I would be grateful if someone points out my shortcomings to me no matter how painful it might be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2018): This is not your problem! Send her here to D.C. to see if we can understand what she wants to know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2018): She's drawn to unavailable men.This is a common thing, but it takes all different kinds of forms.Her relationship with her Dad - or, rather, his 'removal' from her life has left her with a skewed focus which for her will be normal. She's attracted to the distance or gap between herself and the man in question - his job status, his married status etc. all represent an inner, psychological gap that she feels she has to overcome, or get him to overcome, in order to feel loved and at peace. Instead of having a loving, realistic relationship with her Dad, all she had was pain, confusion, longing. That's where her focus stayed as she was developing into an adult.The idea that she will be happy 'if only' she could get the unavailable man is an illusion. But she is focussing on it because of what happened in early life. If she ever did start to overcome the gap, the reality of what the man was really like or what they were like together, would start to shatter the illusion, though not forever. She'd simply start projecting the 'unavailable' scenario onto another man, and the whole thing would start up again.However, if she tries to overcome this alone, and dates men who are 'available' her craving and need to project the 'unavailable' scenario onto men, so that she can 'enjoy' not having them (I know, it's bizarre but that's how it works), would quickly kick in.The only way I think she can overcome this is to see a counsellor specialising in this kind of pattern of behaviour - and it is a pattern.Bear in mind also that, whilst she goes for unavailable men, she keeps her self unavailable too, so she doesn't have to show any scary or painful emotions to anyone and risk their rejection all over again - built into the attraction to unavailable men is the fear of rejection; providing they remain unavailable, they can't reject her, so she keeps herself safe from the hurt she had as a young girl.
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