| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: A colleague at work is very psychologically unwell. I have known for some time that she was finding things tough (she has been coming into my office and crying almost every week). She has had an extramarital affair, and an eating disorder, and has not been coping at all. I assumed she had some kind of depression as a result of these situations, and persuaded her to see both our work counsellor and a cognitive behavioural therapist for her eating disorder.However, over the past 4 months I've become increasingly aware that the problem is much deeper than depression. The affair and the eating disorder aren't the CAUSE of her problem - they are SYMPTOMS. What she does is to create situations that are bound to lead to crisis and drama, because at some level she feels that she needs to be miserable. I have seen a new side to her - a side that is deeply antisocial, manipulative, and seeks to hurt others. She has a pathological need for attention, and she will do anything to get it. I understand that this is not her fault - she is unwell and it is a symptom of her illness. I am not a professional, but I firmly believe she is suffering from some kind of personality disorder. She is never the same person - she lies constantly, not just to others but to herself. It's like she doesn't know who she is to the point that there is no 'real' person there, just a lot of pain and a collection of fronts that she puts on for the world.Last weekend she came out for a drink after work. She manipulated me in front of people by making public something I had told her privately. She flirted with my boyfriend. Then she had a massive fascist rant against black people and old people. The next day, she threatened to commit suicide with a text message. A colleague and I could not reach her on the phone, so we called her family and the police. She was taken to hospital and given a psychiatric evaluation, but came back to work on Monday.I know that she is really troubled, but I now believe that her real problem is a desperate lack of self-esteem that results in these really self-destructive claims for attention. I have been running around after her for the last year, rewarding her whenever she displays low self-esteem with my care and attention and forgiving her whenever she's behaved badly as if she's not fit for adult responsibilities. I feel like in some way my actions have enabled this whole situation to happen and have driven her to this point.I believe that the only way forward is to de-dramatize the situation and move as far away from the sense of drama and crisis upon which she thrives. But I know how manipulative she is, and I am genuinely afraid of her portraying me as a cold-hearted bitch to others for taking this course. I know that she is sick and I'm not trying to be morally judgemental, but I have also seen how potentially dangerous she is as a person. I have been avoiding her since the weekend, because I just don't know how to handle the situation. Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): Hi
I would listen to the sdvice of Strontiumdog....she is not your responsibility and you are way too involved in her MIND...to the level of her messing up YOUR MIND....nothing you can do but detach...react to nothing and yes there is a good chance there will be more to follow...bad mouthing you...don't fall for it by trying to protect your reputation ....others will find the truth out for themselves if your good or bad.
Hands off and say nothing....
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