A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:One of my best friends is with a girl and has been since Feb. The girl went away travelling over the summer but they stayed together, despite only being together a few months at this point. Anyway my best mate fell for a girl at work, whilst his gf was away. He ended up sleeping with this girl on 3 different occasions, whilst his girlfriend was travelling. When we were talking about it he seemed really upset and really guilty, to the point he was having awful nightmares! So he decided he had to end things with his girlfriend once she returned.Anyway his girlfriend returned home 2 months later. As soon as my mate saw her, he couldn't bring himself to end things as he realised how much he'd missed her etc. But luckily for my mate he had gotten a different job, so a week after his girlfriend returned he also changed jobs. Therefore he didn't have to see the girl he had cheated with again. So I thought ok hes done wrong but I suppose its all sorted now and nothing will happen again.However he informed me last night that the girl from work came over his last night and he slept with her again. This hasnt happened for 6 weeks. He said hes had limited contact from her since he left work. And she had asked him to call in work for a signature when he suggested she came to him instead - this was simply because my friend didn't want to go to his old workplace.When I ask why he does it? He just says that he cant help it and there's something about the work girl that is completely irresistible. He said he would never cheat with anyone else and hasn't cheated before in any other relationship.He describes his girlfriend as perfect. He has a good balance of seeing friends/seeing her. Shes very independent, as is he and they get along great. I don't really get what my friends doing. I also don't think its a case of wanting what he cant have, because as far as I can tell the girl from work has made it clear she likes him. He's not the type to be a player so Im really concerned for him.What should he do?Does he love his girlfriend? Why is it that it is only this particular girl from work who is able to get under his skin?Should he stay with his girlfriend?Does he like/lust after/love this girl from work?Btw I'm asking on his behalf because when I suggested he ask the question on here, he refused as he would only get abuse. I get hes done wrong - but were just looking for advice.
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at work, best friend, girl at work, player, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 October 2013):
 Anonymous female, the website isn't about catching people out at all, but I think that aunts and uncles should be forewarned if a post is fake or misrepresentative before spending precious time responding, don't you agree?
If you look carefully at the other post, the similarities are too strong to ignore.
Do you also think this is unrelated, anon?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/if-i-cheated-does-that-mean-i-dont.html
Off topic but I think that people should only post question to their own situations in life, not project and post questions from other people's (possible) points of view. It doesn't help the poster ultimately, and it's wasteful in the amount of time people here spend giving honest, heartfelt advise.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (12 October 2013):
 Thanks Daisy, do you know, I was thinking the self same thing? :)
OP What do you expect us to say to you?
Your friend's girlfriend was away and he played the field. You say he felt guilty, well clearly not that much because he kept sleeping with her until his girlfriend came back.
He was then going to dump his girlfriend because he felt guilty. No! let's be honest, he was going to dump her because he was too spineless to face up to his behaviour and confess.
But then he changes jobs and assumes all will be ok as he's not seeing his bit of totty now, so decides he does love his girlfriend and will stay with her (lucky girl).
Then he sets up a meet, at his, with the totty because "he didn't want to go back to his old workplace". What rubbish! He set up this liaison so he could sleep with her again.
And his excuse, he can't help himself because his girlfriend is perfect and his bit on the side is irresistible.
You know what your friend has to do? Start behaving decently!
He's got away with it and is having his cake and eating it too!
I see more letters coming.
One from a girlfriend who's boyfriend has been cheating on her and lying through his teeth.
One from a woman who's been having an affair and has won her man from his girlfriend but can she really trust him because he cheated with her and what will stop him doing the same to her.
One from a man who's cheated and lost the love of his life because he couldn't keep his old man in his pants. His girlfriend has kicked him out and his mistress isn't what he wants but he's only just realised his mistake.
What can you do to help him? Show him this response and tell him his behaviour is hurting people whether they know yet or not.
I think he should let his girlfriend go because she deserves better than this slime ball. He should get it on with this girl from work because she knows his set up and clearly has no morals or self respect either so they should be well suited.
I hope this helps AB
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 October 2013):
Thanks Honeypie ;)
OP, I am assuming you are in fact the girl at the office. In that case, you have my sympathies because you clearly hoped he'd ditch his GF when she got back. He didn't, but he's still willing to see and have sex with you. That makes him a not-very-nice man. To say the very least.
No matter how guilty he feels, and whether or not he's having nightmares. He's not leaving his GF, and he now knows he can sleep with you as well, even with the GF back in the country. I would say he likes or lusts you, but doesn't love you. I would guess that he doesn't love his GF, since you ask, though I could be wrong. He is in the position of being able to have his cake and eat it too. He's a cheat, you're enabling the cheating. You can do better than this, not just in terms of a boyfriend/ shag, but regarding your own choices and behaviour.
IF you are indeed the friend of the cheater (which I doubt, but anyway), tell him his behaviour disturbs you, you don't approve of it, and you no longer wish to give him help, or have any involvement. That includes writing posts on his behalf to Dear Cupid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): Surely this website isnt about catching people out? It should be to help people? Im sure that is what agony aunts/uncles should be doing. I would personally ignore the other post. Very unlikely to be the same girl.With regard to your friend i think he needs to be brutally honest with himself and decide what he wants. If he wants to make a go of it with his girlfriend he should be honest with her and if she decides to forgive him then work hard to fix their obviously broken relationship. If he doesnt want to be with his girlfriend he needs to end this, so to not cause any further pain to anyone. Your friend should also stop messing this other girl around. If he has true feelings for her end things with his girlfriend and pursue her if he doesnt then allow her to move on and find someone who is available.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 October 2013):
 Nice catch Daisy. :)
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 October 2013):
We got a post from a young woman who is the exact position as your friend's other girl:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ive-been-involved-with-a-guy-from-work.html
She seems very tenacious, isn't she?!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 October 2013):
It makes me angry when I hear people say they can't CONTROL themselves when it comes to cheater. It is a piss poor excuse. OF COURSE a person CAN control themselves IF they want to. I mean HE doesn't slap people who annoy him? Or stab them? He doesn't get naked in the middle of work, because he "felt" like it or yell obscenities in church, does he?
Now I don't say that to "abuse him", but because it's the truth.
Cheater tell themselves and everyone else that, because it sounds better then them saying, I FUCKED her because I WANTED to and because I COULD.
Now asides from the lies, he NEEDS to own up to his actions and tell his "perfect" GF about this, SHE deserves to have the choice to BE with a cheater or leave him. He isn't READY for a monogamous relationship if he can't keep it in his pants.
Your friend is NOT going to stop boinking the other girl, because he likes the attention and the sex without having to deal with commitment, promises and actual connection (aside from the physical lust)
Your friend and the "perfect" girl have only been dating since Feb 2013 and he was ALREADY ready to jump into bed with someone else over summer - to me that kind of shows that he doesn't REALLY love his GF. He LOVES the IDEA of her, because she is "perfect" and the kind of girl he would want to be seen with, but he doesn't really love her if he gets involved sexually within months of starting to date her. JUST because she wasn't THERE available for sex (traveling) doesn't mean that is it somehow OK to have sex with another girl, EVEN if the other girl THREW herself at him. I'm sure your FRIEND have been without sex before and SURELY will be again.
He needs to accept his actions and the consequences of them. And he should IF he was any kind of decent TELL his GF so SHE can decide if HE is worth the trouble or not.
And he REALLY needs to sit down and decide what kind of man he wants to be.
It's not "just" "players" who cheat, "players" usually stay single and just have sex with whomever they can, without being in relationships.
Sorry, there isn't an easy fix to having guilt, it takes a guy to MAN up and tell the truth, or be a liar & a cheat. If he stays with that pattern he will continue it.
So his choice is to be a Douchebag and not tell his GF or be a man and fess up and take the consequences.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 October 2013):
 So your best friend is on here reading these comments?
Alright, let me put it to him this way. What if his girlfriend were out sleeping with other men while she was away from him. Would he want to know about it? Would he want to know that she was still sleeping with him, and that all he has to do is show up where she is, and the clothes come off? Would you think that she loved him if she so easily could sleep with another man?
Of course not. Your friend is destroying himself, and I wouldn't doubt that there are other habits at play that are eating him from the inside. A life this out of control is a sad, serious problem. If he truly loved the girlfriend, he'd tell her and let her have the choice to stay or leave. You cannot have a relationship built on lies, and every day you are with her is a lie from sunup to sundown. Your love is a selfish one, because you want her adoration, but it's a lie because you are misrepresenting yourself.
It does not matter whether he still works with the other woman. The deeds have been done, and she will still be contacting him. If he does not tell his girlfriend, she's going to find out anyways, and then it will be that much worse. Does he think that the other girl's just going to go away? No way! She's showing up at his house. The writing is on the wall. He's hosed, and it's only a matter of time. The only chance he's got is to be in control of the disclosure, because if his girlfriend catches him and he hid it from her, all hell will break loose, and his nightmares will be nothing compared to his real life.
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