A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok I know this site is basically for sex, dating, etc. questions, but I've got a big problem. I have a very cute 9 1/2 mo old boy. One of my friends, who I met thru work when I was a few months pregnant, acts like my son is hers! We don't work together anymore, but we are good friends and get along well, other than this problem, and we hang out once a week, maybe more or less, depending on our schedules. I'm a single mom, so my son is ALWAYS with me, as it should be, but that means eeeeeeverytime i see her, he's with us, and she totally babies him, I realize he IS a baby but she pushes it a little. If we go to the store and I put him in the grocery cart, she pushes the cart, if it's time for him to eat, I get his food out and she feeds him, if he gets fussy, doesn't matter what we are doing, she snatches him up and holds him before I can even realize he is getting upset. This might seem like really petty things to be complaining about, and I have to admit at first it was nice, having someone help you out. But then it started escalating into more irritating things. I'm currently unemployed and constantly looking for a job, I found one, but I didn't have anyone to watch my son because it was kind of a 9-5 job and my mom usually watches him, but she doesn't get off work until 11. Anyway my friend found out I was looking for someone to watch him, and she offered to watch him 4 days out of the week, free. So that was really nice. But she said she couldn't watch him on one of the days. I looked for a babysitter for that day but I trust hardly anyone and I barely even trust this friend, there are only 5 people in the whole world that I would let watch him. The only available person was my aunt, and she couldn't for whatever reason. So i told my friend I couldn't take the job and she totally freaked out and was like no you need this job, you never know if you'll find another good one like this, I can watch sam on the 5th day too if you need me to, etc. It might sound like she's being nice, but she just wants to watch my son.I didn't take the job, because with her schedule, she really couldn't have watched him all those days. And now, whenever she texts/calls and I mention that I'm going somewhere where I can't take my son with me, whether it be to apply somewhere, an interview or something, she's like "oh i can watch him for you!!!!" and I'm like no it's ok my mom is, and she say "are you sure?!?!".I'm just REALLY irritated right now because people will be like aww hes cute, she butts in and says thank you, someone will say how old is he? and she'll jump in and tell them. It's not a big deal, but when you answer those questions, it implys it's your child.She's done countless more things but I've written enough already. I'm not the kind of person to let someone act like this, so I normally would have already said quite a few things. But there is another side to this story, she desperately wants a baby, and literally everyone around her has one or is having one, and I know it's killing her, but I need her to realize that my son is my son, not hers. It's kind of unhealthy the way she totally takes control and thinks he's hers.So I guess my question is, am I over exaggerating? And if I'm not, how do I tell her, in the nicest possible way, that what she's doing is bothering me? Without totally crushing her.Thanks to anyone that reads this I know it's super long :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): I am happy for you.Our Diovan has a heart of gold beneath all the swag and strictness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys again! I just saw this friend the same night i posted this question, my son had a very bad reaction to yogurt. His hands and feet were really hot and red, and he pretty much had a full body rash, along with constant sneezing and rubbing his eyes. So I called her and she dropped everything and was ready to go with me to the hospital w/i 5 min. I talked to her a little bit about not being quite so controlling. (He is ok now btw)
It actually came up on it's own because one of the male nurses thought we were special friends lol! So that kind of paved the way for me to talk with her, that she really does act like his mom. She has incredibly backed off even on the way hom from the hospital lol, we are ok now and we will probably be going to the mall tomorrow :) Thanks!
-an extra thank you to DiovanLestat, you were right, she will always be there, and she proved it tuesday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): Its very natural as a new mom to feel possessive.One of my friends doesn't have a baby.They have been married for 6 years now.In India its considered unlucky for the baby to be held by a person who doesn't have a baby.Pure humbug if you ask me.When she came to visit me,she was so hesitant to touch the baby.I made sure that she was the only one who held the baby during the entire time of her visit.
Please have a talk with your friend.I am sure she will understand.As Diovan explained so well and lovingly,its very natural on her part to want a kid.May I please suggest talking to her about adoption.There are so many kids in the world out there who are yearning for a mom's love.I am sure she will make a great mom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): "she'll be there to support you with her baby"... that's not right is it.. I meant your baby, it's your baby.. that came out wrong.. Anyway he knows who his mummy is and that's all that really matters....
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): Thanks for your update, and thanks for being so kind and understanding to her. You are a true friend, and that's why I know that she'll do everything to help you, even if it means standing back and letting you raise your child. Your a very kind and thoughtful person, thanks for allowing her to spend time with you and your son. I don't think you realise how much of the pain you are healing by spending some time with her.... Good luck, I'm crossing my fingers for you.
PS: You can have kids, you'll probably have more, and if you get bored of this one, well.... (OK, I'll stop now... lol)
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your answers! I really needed someone else's take on it. I will soon be having a talk with her, and I'll def try to tell her nicely.
I also want to add that another girl I know often throws it in my friend's face that she doesn't have a kid (this other girl does) and therefore she doesn't know what it's like. I know it's heartbreaking for her hearing this because obviously she knows she doesn't have a kid, she desperately wants one!
And on top of that, this girl that is so rude and talks about my friend pays absolutely NO attention to her daughter and always talks about her like she's some big problem child that is always annoying her. So this whole situation is very stressful for my friend.
But thank you guys again you've really helped!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): Nope babe, your not over exaggerating, your friend sounds exactly like me. I'd love to have kids, but since I don't, all my friends are aware as soon as they get pregnant, I interfere.. When their pregnant I'm on the phone telling them what to eat, how much to sleep, how much sex to have, and then about any dangers I'm aware off.. I nag them about not lying down and taking care of themselves, I'd wrap them in cotton wool if I could... I back off once the babies born, because I can't breast feed and little one's need their mummy's. But as soon as they are sitting up, I'm off again. I tell them clearly, I love them, but I really am trying to steal their children off them. I need to know everything that's going on with the baby, I need to know the feeding timetable, about the walking, the talking, the visits to the doctor, everything...
I'm lucky my friends and family understand, I've always been like this, I prefer to spend time with the babies, even when I was young. However this is a new friend, you are a first time mum. You want to have all the experiences for yourself, and by pushing in, she is taking some of your precious memories away. A friend like this is great, cause she'll always be there, and at the drop of a hat she'll be there to support you with her baby.
My cousin had a cancer scare, as soon as I found out, I was making plans to adopt her children, even though I have no space and no money. It's not the first time I've offered to do that. People like your friend are a blanket of support, she just wants the best for your son. But if she overwhelms, if you feel that it's too much for you, then tell her. She will understand. She wants the best for your baby and if you are unhappy then the baby will be unhappy too. Just tell her to ease back, tell her she's taking over, and making you feel like your doing a bad job. Make it an issue about you feeling like your not good enough, and she will do everything in her power to tell you this is not true, pull back and leave you to get on with it. She's proud of him and you but she's going overboard in her attempts to help. Remind her that other people love him too and they also need to spend time with him and doing things for him. She knows this is true, it's hurts but she will understand.... Good luck
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