A
female
age
26-29,
*eautyOfTragedies
writes:Hi.. i know my situation is complicated but bare with me please.Ok im 16 and 6 months back i was seeing a guy for 1 yr and 4 months we meet through a prank call ironic i know but he knew my best friend at the time he was new.Problem was my best friend and him lived in Laredo .I use to live there a couple yrs back till i move to Mcallen.Anyways me and him hit it off and keep talkin and within a few days we dated and after a month of talking we meet face to face.At that moment we just fell for one another i know as corney as this may sound but it felt like we knew each other for so long that without each other just wasnt right.Me and him were crazy together we acted childish and made each other feel capable of anything .Truth betold he was my first kiss and love as well as i was his first love.Things were great but once completing at least a yr we took a new step since we were already so comfortable with one another ..we sleep together .We were each others first and after experiencing new things together .He began to change he became obbsessive and forbide me to speak to another guy let alone look at one.He'd constantly accuse me of cheating due to false accusations of an old friend so then on i was not to speak to any of my friends nor wear any clothes that show any part of my skin.My famiy saw my behavior changing i began to hit depression after losing connection with everyone i lost 6 pounds and weighed 95 .His mom even began to notice his change as well as mine my parents would cry it hurt them to see me change my mom cried and told me she no longeer recognized me it tore me.(Are families knew us once to very in love children who were evetually gonna get married due to how crazy we were about each other it annoyed them because are names were always in eaches mouth)With time it got worst i wasnt to go out at all not even with my family and i wasnt allowed to do my hair nor brush at all let alone watch tv alone or listen to music ,each day a new rule seemed to be added.Ever since my friends accusations it tormented him and changed him completly he believed them.If any rules were to be broken he'd leave me .At the time i couldnt bare to lose him ..what prevent me is every moment we had when things felt right and happy.They day we lost it he had proposed and of course i said no we are to young to marry but a part of me wanted it.Each day things got worst he'd yell at me and called me many names saying he should just leave me but that he cant because he loves me.We'dargue because id see he was hitting on girls on fb and id confront him and he'd say he was getting backat me for supposably "cheating in the past".Things were gettibg a lil better but as soon as it did he soon eventually became so distant that he stopped calling the last month i wondered why? then i decided to check his fb even though i wasnt allowed to even go near the computer and i saw a message from a girl calling him babe which turned out reason he'd stop calling was because he was 2 timing us.I spoke with the girl and we called three way and he was caught ,he ran back to me then her .Me and the girl were friends till she decided to believe him and go back with him.Now that the past is clearded .I know i miss him or at least what he once was because i know i changed him i made him what he is today .After everything and there was more but its long enough already but i know id feel better knowing he was alone and not with the other girl.Im currently with a guy who i meet a month later who name is also ironically my exs and he helped me through it all and was patient.I truly care for him but at time i get a glimpse of my past .. ive been through alot way to much to bare and i want to let this guy in i do but how can i when all i can do is ask myself can i be happy with him? i have a habit of wondering what if theres better out there?Because i need better in my life thats the only thing that will at this point stop me from the constant reminder of what i once had and lost.. please help me i truly need words of wisdom.
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female
reader, BeautyOfTragedies +, writes (11 June 2011):
BeautyOfTragedies is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks you very much for your views of my situatuion and thank you so much for hearing me out.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 June 2011):
 first and most importantly, you didn't change him and make him what he is today. believe me when i say that's who he was all along, you just didn't see it. eventually after being with you for a while and getting really attached to you, his true colors started to show through and you saw him for who he truly was. a possessive, controlling, obsessive, emotional abuser.
he's very young and needs to go to therapy now to break this cycle before he gets older and really gets stuck in this pattern in relationships. this is the beginning stages of someone who becomes abusive. when someone becomes obsessive to the point where they are controlling everything you do on a daily basis, something is seriously psychologically wrong. i've seen it a million times before and worked in women's shelters, trust me. it was an unhealthy, obsessive relationship. some teens grow out of it, most don't. but in general, it's best you're away from him.
i know it's hard when it's someone who was your first love. and we never seem to get fully over our first true heart break. but give yourself time and try to get to know this new guy you mentioned a little better. see if you can't open up to him and get close to him. whatever you do though, don't go back to your ex. you need to stay away from him. good luck.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I know this hurts. Life's rough sometimes.
Up until the cheating part, I'd have said that it was just an extreme case of not knowing how to date someone. Everyone is a terrible boyfriend/girlfriend the first time around, objectively speaking (though when you're actually in the relationship, in the moment, it can seem great - if you're lucky, it seems great up until you both learn enough that it actually *is* great). A very extreme case, as in "What the hell, dude?!" - but still understandable.
You're going to miss him. First loves are like that. You need to move on - cheating is a dealbreaker, and always should be. But you'll live. People have survived it before.
Don't get too caught up in the "what if theres better out there?" line of thought. Relationships aren't about finding the next great thing, or upgrading from the old. Look for something great and hold onto it. Learn from your experience, and don't repeat your mistakes. Don't let some guy force you to make unhealthy choices. Don't hurt yourself over anyone like this.
For instance, if a guy tells you he doesn't like how you dress around others, consider compromising, or even listening if he has a legitimate point - but don't switch your whole wardrobe out for burkhas. If a guy doesn't like you flirting with other guys, that's reasonable, but if he doesn't want you even talking to other guys, he's the one with the problem. You get the idea here - learn to consider what you're told, think about it, and give a reasonable answer, rather than an automatic "yes" or "no."
You'll figure it out, if you just stay positive and learn as you go. Best of luck.
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