A
male
age
41-50,
*luenest
writes:Hello. I have a situation. My fiance (gf of 7 years, 2 years LDR) got a new job in a multinational company a month ago which was a dream come true for her. Her job profile, work culture, everything is perfect. Here's where the problem arises.First off, its next to impossible getting a job in this company. Her interview was taken by her now Manager(of 7 to 8 countries) and immediately hired her. After that, he started being over supportive with her, got her a new cabin with all kinda benefits. The issue is, its effecting our personal life. This guy invites her after work hours to hang out in coffee shops, to watch soccer on the big screen (with 2 other male managers), dinners at 5 star hotels and she comes home past mid night.Now he also invited her to the movies next week. My gf is scared that if she tells him she has a bf or does not go with him, her job might be at stake. But they never go out alone. He had casually mentioned to her that he likes her and her smile etc. And yes, this guy is even getting possessive over her. Last night while i was at work he comes driving 20 miles to pick her up and drove back all the way to watch soccer and again come back driving 20 miles to drop her back by 3 AM.Now, how can she control this situation. How can she put a line between professional and personal life without ticking him off. She cant even call me when he is around.We have 5 days of holidays coming up and i am sure this guy is planning big time. Valuable suggestions would be appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2019): I think she is making a mistake not telling him that she has a bf. She should have done that from the beginning. Still even at this stage she should somehow let him know that she has a bf like for example if he asks her out next time she should say something like ' oh I am sorry but my bf's mom is in hospital and we were planning to visit her at this time '. I don't think he will sack her or anything like that but if he does then she can sue him in court.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2019): What kind of work does she do?I used to have a job with an incredibly wealthy Japanese company who had an office in London. Part - but not all - of my role was to ensure that public relations ran smoothly with all of our visitors and guests which meant I had to do things like check out top restaurants prior to guests visits there, check their hotel rooms to ensure they were absolutely immaculate and personalised prior to their arrival. I would often be asked to work late after work by meeting with my boss and clients to go to dinner. A lot of this also meant hanging out with my boss when we were not entertaining clients - we'd have to go to exclusive shops together and hotels, restaurants always checking out new potential venues etc. Inevitably, we would get fed up of this; we got chauffeured everywhere and had to be continually 'on guard' regarding etiquette etc. Sometimes we would just sneak off to McDonalds or go to a bar, sometimes together or sometimes with the chauffeurs or with his personal friends who were visiting from Japan. I would not necessarily jump to conclusions about your girlfriend playing games: when I started my job I had been told it was a normal secretarial role with an element of PR. I had absolutely no idea that it was a kind of fantasy job that a lot of women would kill for. I can totally understand how your girlfriend may feel intimidated and very unsure of what the boundaries of this role are - it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything sexual going on at all (at least not on her side). The fact that she is telling you about it means she is being upfront with you in a way she feels she can't be with her boss. It is NOT easy being a female amongst male bosses and colleagues and those who are saying she needs to assert boundaries I think are too unrealistic in terms of how and when exactly she can do that without losing her job.At the moment, these extra-hours meet ups seem to all be happening on his terms. Assuming there really is some 'bad' intention on her bosses part then it may be wise to re-direct it. There's a saying 'if someone keeps knocking on your door let them in'. In other words, don't just reject the person, change the terms of your interaction to your terms in order to gain control of the situation. Your girlfriend could start to take more control by asking her boss and other colleagues to join her to go to places that SHE has decided upon. If her boss is looking for a more intimate relation with a women, she could ask a single friend to join them. And, of course, once she's had a couple of these kind of group meet ups and hopefully redirected her boss's attention, you could join them too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2019): I do not think she is lying to you.I really think she fears losing her job and then of being blacklisted so no one else in her field will hire her destroying her career dreams.Some bosses are just plain stupid.This sounds like one of them.Tell your girlfriend to hire an employment attorney or barrister.She needs to learn about her options.She needs to learn how to navigate through bad bosses like this and she needs to learn there are things she can do to stop it.Until she does this important step there is nothing you can do.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (3 June 2019):
 I have to agree, she’s bullshitting.
If anything the boss should be scared of overstepping boundaries and losing his job in this day and age of blame culture and sexual harassment claims.
If she doesn’t want to go, she says no. It’s really simple. How can she be fired for not attending these out of work activities? What would he put on her paperwork? She likes the attention, she’s lying to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 June 2019):
 Does your GF have a hard time setting boundaries with people? (not just men?)
If she does, maybe she isn't looking to "string" him along (or you) but she just isn't assertive enough to say: " hey, I can't hang out after work" or "I don't mix business with pleasure".
If she NORMALLY is able to set boundaries (telling people no or no can do) then she is CHOOSING to be this friendly with him.
While I don't think it's her boss' business whether she has a BF/Fiance - maybe telling him would make him back off.
Her boss is unprofessional. Which means HE isn't going to respect her "no" if she is all meek around him, I don't even think he would respect it if she told him she has a BF/Fiance. So she NEEDS to tell him that she wishes to keep work and private life separate. While there ARE times where most people in coperate jobs HAVE to do some networking and socialize with coworkers AND clients - she doesn't HAVE to hang out with him and watch football until 3 am.
And I agree with YouWish... 7 YEARS!!! of dating and you aren't getting married yet? What are you waiting for?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 June 2019):
 I was thinking of the same thing.. Why doesn't she stop? Why does she agree to go to coffee shops and dinners with him? Are you telling me that her job could be in danger if she doesn't do these favours?
Look OP, you're girlfriend is playing a game with both you and her manager. She's telling you that she doesn't like all this but in today's day and age, with very strong sexual harrassment laws and the "me too" movement, she doesn't need to be this "scared". And I bet she isn't either. She's doing this because she enjoys it and loves the attention. Scared my foot! Obviously she can't tell you that so she says that she fears she'll lose her job if she doesn't do all of this. Bullshit.
She's also playing a game with the manager by leading him on, and you honestly have no idea what she's leading him to believe. She's just giving you her side of the story. He asked her out but she could have refused from day 1. If she feels that he's coming on as too strong then she can always complain against him. Don't give me that crap the she fears losing her job... At this rate she's be willing to sleep with people to stay on in this so-called impossible to get job.
I'd be very wary of this girl if I were you. She's not as innocent as she's making it look like.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2019): If your gf is spending her personal time with him, while knowing very well that he likes her and has no intention of telling him she has a bf or fiance, it amounts to leading him on. Does she feel that she got this job through her professional capabilities or does she think she's getting all of these perks because this guy likes her? If he gave her a job because he personally likes her then that is against company policies. I would advice that your gf friendzones him by making it very clear she's not interested in a relationship. This could turn into a kind of harassment at workplace based on how he reacts to her when she friendzones him. For all you know, if he's a decent guy who just likes a girl he thinks is single, he might just back off and stay good friends with her. Honestly Op, to me the current situation looks as though you and your gf together are using the situation of him liking her in your favour. Now it's started to bother you and you no longer want to play along. The boss on the other hand is not necessarily a bad guy, his work ethics are questionable though. Maybe she was smart enough for the job AND he likes her so he hired her but I'd definitely distrust a person who fell for his candidate and hired her so that he can pursue her romantically. Nor do I appreciate a woman who is keeping her relationship status a secret to let her boss continue to like her. Come on, it's not like he can fire her if she tells him she has a bf or that she's engaged. Next time she could say "My fiance can pick me up from here, don't trouble yourself." I'm curious to know why she didn't do that earlier. Did you both plan to keep this boss interested?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 June 2019):
 Yeah. You might have a problem. She might be getting ready to replace you. It's really telling that she hasn't TOLD her boss that she even HAS a boyfriend, meaning it's more than just being worried about losing her job, but she's keeping the option open and she LIKES the attention he's giving her.
You have an even bigger problem. You say that for the past 2 years, you and she have been an LDR, and that you've been together for 7 years?? When are you planning on marrying?? When are you planning on no longer being an LDR?? Her activities are showing that being in an extended relationship/LDR has hit her limit, and she's looking for an "out" because at this point, you're wasting your time NOT marrying. At 7 years, it's long past the "shit or get off the pot" stage, and if you don't have a SPECIFIC end-of-LDR date set in stone (like the end of a military deployment or a college graduation day when your normal residences are local in the same town), then your relationship is pretty much drawing to a close and she doesn't have the heart to let you down.
If she hasn't told her boss that she has a boyfriend, then he's going to be pissed off that she's leading him on, going out on dates and casual outings with him, and he's told her he likes her. If she hasn't let him off, then she's on the outs with YOU, not him. If her priority is to pretend you don't exist around HIM, then you are going to get dumped. And to be honest, with the fact that you're in your 30's and screwing around with NOT marrying her, you waited too long.
I would suggest you make it easy on her and end things while you still have your dignity. Long distance relationships cannot withstand extended and indefinite duration, because we as people crave ACTUAL intimacy, being close, touching, spending time physically together in each other's presence. Facetiming and texting just don't cut it after awhile, which is like living on Twinkies and potato chips and Snickers. They're good for a cheap energy boost, but ultimately, they make you feel awful, are unfulfilling, and make you crave real healthy filling nourishment.
Seriously. If you haven't already set your FIRM wedding date at 6 months from now or less, and there are no REAL PLANS to end the long distance and become local, then you need to let her go. Waiting until you "have enough money" or "bought your house" or your parents approve, or your kids turn a specific age, those are not reasons, but excuses for keeping things at arm's length. Time to end the game. Your relationship, as it sits now, cannot last.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2019): Typo and grammatical-corrections:
"If she keeps agreeing, he'll keep asking."
"If she's going to work in the corporate-world, she had better learn how to handle herself; or she'll find herself on her back, until the next female comes along to take her place."
All her fear is based on presumption. How does she know for sure she will lose her job? Is she willing to be somebody's plaything, because she's scared to stand-up for her rights and honor? Do you plan to marry this woman someday?
If you allow people to take liberties, they will surely push the envelope. If he decides to lift her skirt, will she allow that?
This all depends on her, and how far she will allow things to go to keep that job. If she feels compromising her respect and honor is worth the job; then again, I have to tell you. That is entirely up to her!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2019): It depends on your girlfriend. If she keeps agreeing he'll keep asking. He tests what she'll allow him do; and if she gives him the green-light, he proceeds.
What do you think he will do if she told him she has a boyfriend? Fire her? I think she's enjoying the benefits and the attention. It's not just coming from him; she's being receptive to the advances. If she's going to work in the corporate-world, she better learn how to handle herself or she'll find herself on her back until the next female comes along and to take her place.
First she should let her boss know that she has a boyfriend. Then she has to decline the dates! He dating her, and she's agreeing to it. If it's not business, it's pleasure. If she doesn't have a backbone and more assertive attitude; she will become his mistress. Her job isn't to be the bosses companion; and it is up to her to draw the line.
As for her being scared? How far will she let him go before she stops him?
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