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anonymous
writes: Hello all, this question is for Bev, but of course all others are welcome to comment. Bev, I have been with a man I love for four and a half yrs. We have a child together a precious daughter of 3 yrs. My fiancee and I have argued about 4 hours ago. We have argued about the same old things since our 3 yr together. I have a few issues with him such as: 1)He visits his male friends nearly every day after work. This is a problem for me because he is a manager and works anywhere from 50-68 hours a week. He never spends time with me and our daughter. So of course you can see why this is an issue. 2)He started drinking beer every day with his friends, consumes anywhere from 3 to 8 cans nearly every day. I fear he is in danger of becoming an alcoholic. 3)He smokes marijuana. He didn't do this before I met him. Now it seems he can't get thru the day without a joint. All he wants to do is get more pot and sit around with his friends. Sometimes they hang out at our house in the living room. Most of the time I catch them because they forget that I get home around 6:15pm and I get so upset because the air is full of smoke and I can't take my daughter inside until he airs out the house. 4)He is irresponsible with his paycheck. He thinks because I work also, that his money is his and I can take up the slack on the bills from his half because I didn't work after I had the baby! 5)He is very unaffectionate. I have to ask him for a hug if I want one. He does not voluntarily show his emotions or affections. It makes me wonder why... Bev, am I crazy for wanting this relationship which started out like a dream to work? I love this man more than I have ever loved. And now it seems it's all slipping away. I have been called a bitch, a perfectionist, a nag, a hypocrite, oh and did I mention a bitch? My fiancee acts as if he is oblivious to my list of issues. I have had the non- stressing conversations of our lives you know the understanding kind where you leave out name calling and belittling and attitudes. Numerous times...we've gone thru it. He has admitted to each one more than once and promises to change. But that glorious time has not come. I don't know how much is enough already. I love him with all my heart, but my mind is telling me that it's nearly over now. My heart wants to believe that anything is possible, but my mind says when? When? When is he going to change? I fear if I stay with him any longer I put our daughter in a bad situation. I feel it's my responsibility to protect our daughter in any situation. My motherly instinct is fighting with my forgiving love for my fiancee. So far the instinct is winning. I am alone tonight with our daughter by my side. He walked out 4 hrs ago. I don't know. I am so afraid to go on without him. He called an hour after he left. I was afraid to pick up the phone and let it go to answering machine. He said, "Atleast you don't want to talk to me again!" his speech slurred. Should I take him back? Should I stay away? Please! I feel so alone. Please Bev!
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 June 2005):
 I'm really sorry about all that he's putting you though. And, for what it's worth, you're doing exactly the right thing by thinking of your daughter first.
At the risk of sounding pat, your partner sounds clinically depressed to me. Think of all the things he's doing: he's dodging responsibility, he's numbing his sensations with chemicals, he's hanging around with his pals like a teenage kid, and he's lying - outright lying - to you about his long-term intentions of reforming.
Put another way, he's not behaving like an adult, and not like the man that you fell in love with. Sadly, only HE, and not you, can decide to get help for that depression. He may need therapy or he may require medication, but you can't do that for him. He has to choose it. He needs to speak to his GP and get some tests and some referrals. There's a solution, but he needs to look for it.
You can try to narrow down the causes, though. Has he recently suffered a trauma, like a friend or family member dying? Has he hit a milestone birthday (30, for example)? Is he having difficulties with his work or a workmate?
Any of these things (and lots more) can abrade a man's feeling of self-worth and cause behaviours like these. If you can think of anything along the lines above that might be affecting him, it would be a starting point for you to discuss what might be the underlying cause.
As for you, you need to discuss setting some guidelines with him, make some agreements and insist he stick to them. As an example, it's probably unlikely that you can insist he stop smoking dope, but you can insist that he not do it in your home, ever. You won't be able to keep him from getting plastered with his mates, but you can both agree that he has to be home by a set time each night. You can't keep him from overspending his own pay, but you can keep yours in a separate account.
You need to help him set goals and attain them. If you both agree to these things, beforehand, you're not a "nag" or a "bitch". Don't be distracted by the name-calling; it's a bit of sleight-of-hand intended to get you off the real threat, which is his substance abuse. I think he's really afraid that you're going to focus on the chemical use and everything else is just smoke and mirrors.
If he won't maintain his end of previously-agreed compromises, then he's demonstrating that he's not committed to you and your daughter. What does that tell you? Let him know that he's in danger of losing you both - not as a threat or an ultimatum, but as a fact of life. Tell him outright that you don't want your daughter growing up in a home where her father doesn't take responsibility for his actions.
Now, what happens if he never decides to change? It could happen. Only you can decide what would happen in the "worst-case scenario" of him staying in this adolescent state. I'd hope that you'd have enough self-respect to leave, but that's your call.
When it comes to relationships, yes, "anything is possible", but in real life - I'm sorry to say - it's more a case of "what you see is what you get". I know that you love him and just want things back the way they were, but if your partner won't keep up his end, lies about his intentions and continues to act like he's a dependant 17-year-old with an indulgent mum, then you're not doing yourself - or your daughter - any favours by staying around.
If it comes to that, it may take your having the guts to move out to show him exactly what his life would be like without you.
Good luck.
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reader, robinlovescena +, writes (21 June 2005):
 You married a man that you never knew of down inside. you should stay with him for your daughters sake, but he may even pressure you doing the drugs as well. you dont want that. i would break it off, or tell him to stop doing what he is doing or you are going to take your daughter, leave, and never come back. i know tht you love him, but when you two were just going out, he was just one big lie, it sounds like. good luck~Robin~aka advice gurl
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reader, Dear Kelly +, writes (20 June 2005):
AWWW my heart goes out to you, and I am really feeling your pain from reading what you have wrote, and I am responding to your post because I myself know exactly how you feel and where you are comming from, the only difference with me is I haven't any children, and you have!Everything you say is so much like what was happening with me and my partner, so I guess I can say I can speak from experience....First of all, I dont belive 'you' will be able to change him, you have tried and he said he will and he has failed!For him to change he has to realise he has got a PROBLEM, which HE HAS got a problem, a problem with dope smoking, and a problem with drink, and a seruios relationship problem too, as quite clearly its affecting you, aswell as your young daughter.You was scared of him becomming a alcholic because the quantities of drink his consuming each night, I would say his already now got a 'drink problem' cos to be a alcholic doesnt mean to say they drink from morning to night, i mean if they are 'needing' that drink on a daily basis quite clearly drink has become a problem already!I know when you love somone like you do him it's so hard to walk away, but you will have to do what feels right and best for both you and your daughter. I am not saying you should walk away tho, but if you feel like doing so then do,.....but quite clearly I see you want this relationship to work, but you are so terribly unhappy and without some sort of change you will remain this way, sad lonley and unhappy!You shouldn't have to put up with mental abuse of name calling either, his showing you no respect by the awfull names his calling you, you are the mother of his child he should respect you, and quite clearly there is no respect there. For you to work this out he has to relise his got all these problems, and seek help, i'm afraid most men unless they actually want help will not even admit to it, so therefore you cant help someone that refuses to relise they have a problem.Have you tried telling him how you feel? or even threatened him into giving him a altermatem and saying you will leave him if he carries on? I would suggest this.The fear of him knowing he could loose you and his daughter for 'real' may shock him back into reality!I also think you need to get to the root of your problems and sort out the arguments which are the same ones that you have been having for the past 4 years,..would you think couple counsseling would help?If he chooses to go along and get help and admits to his problems then all power to you!!I'm afraid if he doesn't want the help then there is really nothing more that you could possibily do apart from getting yourself into being a strong independent women,and move on in life, and learn to find happiness, and live a little.I know you love this man, but things have been bad for you for quite a long time now, and if you have not been having 'happy times' with this man then you dont even have that to hold onto either.Just to let you know, I stayed with my partner, cos like you I loved him, it's alot of hard work to put up with someone like that, I was getting no respect and getting shouted at etc, but never proper abuse of name calling, so maybe I wasn't in as bad situation as your are now.My partner wouldn't admit to his problem, not too me anyway, but deep down within his heart they know if they have a problem or not but they just wont be brave to admit it! well one day my partner chose himself to stop smoking the dope, which for me and himself was a good thing, cos now his giving more time for me, and is a much better person for it, it's early days yet, but he chose to 'change' cos it was his own choice, maybe thats a possibility that your bloke might change of his own accord too.....I dont know...but goodluck to you for the future, either way it aint gonna be easy. take care x
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