A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My 23 year old fiancée thinks I (26) am putting my car in front of our wedding and finding a place to live.My grandfather left me the car, granted it has sentimental value to me, being the only thing I really have left plus it is quite a rare car. It was badly damaged when I recieved it, it has taken me 6 years to rebuild. It has been in several magazines and everyone in the manufacturers club always have something posotive to say, I have got it road legal, and put the rebuild on hold while I concentrate on my social life and relationships.I have only been engaged to my partner of three years since October and she has already ran off and booked thDe wedding and planned nearly all of it without my input, I havent said anything about it because I just want her to be happy and I dont dislike any thing shes done so far.We are both currently saving £150 each per month, and we have £7k deposit for a flat in the outskirts of London. I've started travelling for my company, so I don't need to use my grandfathers car so much, in doing so I stand to save over £400 per month from petrol costs, I told my fiancée and said that while the car isn't being used I'm going to make a one-off payment to get the last little bits done, I have got an estimate from a bodyshop for £150 to put it right and the car will he back to showroom condition. The rest of the money will go into saving. Essentially double what we are putting away each month without the £150 included.She's gone off in a huff and I overhead her talking about it with her mum, who is motherinlawzilla in the wedding department, they are both now saying that I only care about the car and not moving out or getting married. I feel insulted and horrified that they are both saying that. I said I won't finish fixing the car to save for the wedding and buying a place to live, the sake of a one off payment of £150 out of a potential £400 saving every month. They aren't happy still and I can hear them whispering upstairs. I feel like slapping them round the face with my wallet and telling them the pin for my card and just going home until the wedding and not bother turning up. Its their wedding, not mine anyway. Her mum lived at home 8 years after they got married why the pressure to move out when we get married?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2014):
 Male reader anon, I see what you mean and I concede that yours is a reasonable assumption. Yet, IMO that's not the point at all, the point is that, influenced or not, the OP agreed to do X for the couple, and now he wants to do Y for himself, and that 's not cool on principle ( although I also agree that the amount per se does not seem to warrant such a head butting )
If the OP wanted to spend something less , or much less, he should have said so from the get-go. Ditto if he had wanted to move out somewhat, or much, later. Ditto if he had wanted to elope and not spend a penny on a formal wedding. The bride to be was not holding him at gun point to make him promise that monthly contibution , and he did not have to give his consent to a plan that feels too restrictive to him, he should have negotiated and arranged with her a different deal and a different schedule. As a matter of fact, he was not even obliged to propose and get engaged in October ! , he could have waited until his car had been restored ,if it's such a priority ,and / or his financial situation more solid .
I notice that people have strange ideas nowadays about what "getting engaged " means. They take it to mean " my gf wears a rock on her finger, so the other guys know better than to hit on her and I rest easier , while I still get to act and think and plan as a single man for an indefinite length of time ".
Well, of course everybody can do what they want to do, I can't prevent them, and I would not WISH to prevent them. Just remarking that no, socially,psychologically and historically so far , that's not exactly the concept. The idea would be that you are committed to become a married team of two, an autonomous family unit, and you'll do your darnedest best to make it happen as soon as reasonably possible... Oh : and because,in theory, you WANT too... because you can't wait to make it happen.... Maybe the gf is only in part bridezilla,... but in part also disappointed by her intended 's " whatever " attitude ? ...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): It is technically the OP's wedding too. But I have a hard time believing the OP is pushing for it to be as big & expensive as his fiance and her mother are.
Does he have any input on the wedding? It sounds like his input is he would like to spend a bit less money on it, but he is not being given that option.
Lets be realistic. Most restored cars are the husband's car and the wife just rides in it. Most modern expensive weddings are the bride & her mother's wedding. The groom is just appearing in it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2014):
It's HIS wedding too ! It's THEIR wedding . And THEIR new home . And if THEY have agreed to fork out 150 £ monthly each toward THEIR wedding and new home, that's what THEY both should do, no ifs and buts, until the goal ( wedding and relocation from her home to their home ) is accomplished.
Look, it's simple, in fact it's what most people do who don't have a profusion of money for absolutely everything they want and need : they prioritize. And generally, not in order of " what gives me more pleasure right here and now " but according to what's more useful ,sensible and important in the long run.
First you finish paying for your kid's dental braces ( no fun ) , THEN you start saving for a cooler sleeker model of Smarphone ( fun ). First you honour the committment that you have freely assumed on yourself ( getting married and getting a place to live on your own with your spouse ) then you spend on the fun stuff like the old car.
On one hand I agree that since we are talking about all of 150 £, not thousands, - it's not really a big deal, and all this would sound like a tempest in a teapot. And on the other hand, yeah, it IS sort of a big deal : and the big deal is that he agreed to do X in order to get a certain result,but now he wants to do Y because it's more fun for him. The OP seems to be not very familiar with the concept of " delayed gratification ", or self - discipline in view of a goal , perhaps it's this that worries bride and mum, more than the amount in itself.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 March 2014):
 Yeah, I second that on the weddings. These so called traditional weddings aren't traditional at all unless you're medieval royalty.
They're unnecessarily long, expensive, narcissistic, cheesy, boring events frankly and there are better ways to spend money.
But whatever your wedding plans are I think it's good that your fiancé is getting it done now rather than sit in engagement limbo forever.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): I disagree with CindyCares.
How is the bride sacrificing every month too by saving for the wedding? It's HER wedding! That is like arguing that the OP is "sacrificing" his money every month to restore the car.
The bride is not asking her husband for a restored old car and the OP is not asking his bride for an expensive wedding. If the bride doesn't want to spend money on something then why is it being spent? (If this is all being done just to please the bride's mother then her mother should pay for the wedding herself.)
Weddings can be fairly small cheap affairs. They usually have been over the centuries. It is an indulgence to piss away lots of money on a wedding, just like the classic car is an indulgence.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (5 March 2014):
If I've understood your post correctly, you live with your fiance`s family and enjoy a considerable savings for doing so (otherwise you wouldn't have moved in). Right?Because you're gainfully employed, you've already saved several thousand pounds, are continuing to save, you have a plan, the car was given to you by a now deceased grandfather and has some sentimental value and most of the work is done and paid for, then I think your fiance is being a tad unreasonable. If you had sought out and BOUGHT the car after moving into her mother's home and dumped a lot of money into while the MIL helps support you then I would say it was a bad call on your part.Your fiance is right to proceed with wedding plans. We get far too many posts from people who've been in engagement limbo for years. The longer you wait the less likely it is to happen which makes becoming engaged pointless. What does get my attention is your closing sentence. I hope you haven't said as much to your fiance or her mother. It's more than a little cheeky of you to assume you're going to continue to enjoy a huge savings in her home for as long as YOU see fit, regardless of how hard you work or how otherwise responsible you are. It's her home and the sooner you two are married and in your own home, the better for everyone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 March 2014):
For once I have to disagree with one of my DC astral twins ( we always say the same ) Honeypie.
And I know that you too , OP, will hate my answer but yeah, if I were your fiancee' I too would think that your priorities aren't set straight.
It's not the 150 £ per se , OP, it's the general attitude.
To negin with, you say " we only got engaged in October and she ALREADY etc... ". Well, OP, it's March, what is she supposed to wait ? An official engagement also consists in fixing the date and setting out to make it happen. The whole idea of an official engagement historically has been to put your money where your mouth is , to announce your family, friends and society : I want to marry this woman and I am REALLY going to do it ". Now if you want, forget the outdated , classic wedding etiquette which says a wedding should take place not later than 6 - 8 months from the official engagement. Strike that, life got complicated, people are broke, weddings are expensive, and anyway some restaraunts ( and churches too ) have waiting lists of 18 months or so But, once you have DECIDED , and you did, might as well get going, and get doing it, doing it well, and doing it fast. Dillydallying , and putting your money into other pursuits , is not kosher ( particurarly if money is sort of tight as it seems in your case ).
First things first, always. Getting married ( for people who actually desire to get married, of course ) and getting your own place to live are fundamentsls, repairing old cars it's an optional and a secundary, unless you actually care more about your car than about your fiancee' and home .
Second , the committment: you both agreed and you both committed and you both accepted to save each 150 £ ? Then just do it, your fiancee' is doing it, why can't you ? Do you think you are the only one to have wishes and desires and hobbies ? I bet all you want that your fiancee' too would know how to spend 150 £ for herself, I bet every day she sees in window shops things that cost that sum, and she is NOT buying them. She is doing a little sacrifice and you can too. I bet you'd sing a whole different tune if she had come up saying you'd be late in putting the money together because SHE saw a splendid occasion on sale, a designer pair of boots at just 150 £... What do you say, OP ? Old cars are more " important " than designer shoes :)?... Opinable, OP , it all depends whom you ask... it's all a matter of opinions .
- Practicality , OP, even without being bridezilla ,weddings are murky waters , extra costs may crop up like nothing , last minute changes, emergencies, something- it's not a bad idea , if you have a little something you 'd be able to save- to KEEP it until all isn't over and done. At least,again ,if your priority is the wedding , which does not quite sound so from your post....
Finally, what do you care if your MIL lived at home with her mom for 8 years ?? maybe she did and HATED it, and want to spare her daughter the same experience. Maybe she and her husband were more enjoyable company than you and your fiancee' are. Who knows and who cares what are her reeasons to want you out of her home, it's enough she DOES, so if I were you I'd try to kindly comply ASAP. Also because , I just can't wrap my head around the fact that a young couple , who does NOT have to live with the bride's family, because they can afford to live in their own place, would not want to do that at lightning speed ! Aren't you raring to go live in your own little love nest ? ... I think that's what disappointed your gf too ( beside having a bout of bridezillaitis, which you are also probably right about ). That you could talk so casually of delaying your goal , for the sake of going to play with your vintage car .... Not exactly the vibrantly impatient groom to be :) ... Look, I also get were YOU are coming from, I do, what's one month or two of difference at the end of the day , what's the big fuss about ?- but then again I am NOT getting married to you, if I were I'd be miffed by how unromantic your reasoning is.
Your car, au contraire, CAN wait- didn't you say it took you six years to put it togethr ? Fine, then make it 6 and a half or 7 , and it won't change anything for you. And the CAR won't be offended if you keep her waiting... while your future wife will be .
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 March 2014):
 I think they're being very unreasonable to be fair, I'm not quite sure how they're saying you've got you're priorities wrong when you're making more of a contribution to the savings than she is.
If I were in you're shoes, I'd simply explain to her the meaning that car has to you and that it's a hobby of yours to restore it, if they can't understand that, then they're being very selfish and I don't really see their argument when you're saving.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 March 2014):
 You are currently living with your MIL (mother In Law)? If so, I'd focus more on finding a place and move out then the wedding.
I think you need to in a gentle way (I guess) put your foot down with your fiance. She has had FREE run on the wedding and it's NOT like you are taking money out of the wedding/house fund to fix your car.
I would TELL her HOW it all makes you feel. And I would GO AHEAD and get the car fixed. Not explain a DAMN thing to your fiance. UNLESS you want to continue being a push over after the wedding.
Stop being a door-mat to your fiance and her mom. Stand up for yourself, in a calm and sensible fashion. You gave the fiance an inch (proposed) and she took a mile (planning the wedding without even asking your opinion on anything) and not you want to spend some money that 1. you EARNED and 2. you SAVED 3. that wasn't in the wedding/house BUDGET - and you aren't allowed, but shamed into to thinking it's WRONG of you to do so?
Yes, I'm sure it COULD wait til Spring/Summer to fix the car. But once you two get married and move out, TRUST me you are going to need money for this and that and this and that for the house and so forth and you won't HAVE the 150. YOU have it now.
And last but not least, DROP the passive aggressive idea of .. I'll just go home and not show up for the wedding. It's their wedding, not mine.... You already STATED that you were OK with her planning it. So shit or get off the pot when it comes to that.
Stand up for yourself.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 March 2014):
 Your girlfriend and mother in law are being very unreasonable and insulting. Yore only spending a tiny portion on something of great value to you. Either than that, everything is going towards her dream wedding.
Before you blow your top, calmly sit down with your girlfriend and explain to her your feelings - everything you posted here. Make sure you do not let your anger and frustration get the better of you or it will defeat the entire purpose. If she is at all reasonable (which I'm questioning), than she will realize your feelings and take them into consideration.
Don't let them make you feel wrong for having something you value in your life. You shouldn't give up your hobbies just because you're about to get married. And your partner shouldn't expect you to.
Good luck.
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