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female
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anonymous
writes: My fiancee and me are great together 95% of the time and I love him. Recently however, I've been talking a lot more to my bestfriend who happens to be my ex-boyfriend and he told me he still has feelings for me... the is problem is that I still have feelings for him ... he was my first real love and we only broke up cos he thought he wasn't good enough for me. Both of us since our break-up have been in emotionally abusive relationships and I only just met my fiancee 10 months ago and have known my ex for about 3 years. He's breaking up with his current girfriend because she treats him badly and just wanted to talk and eventually he told me about his feelings... and I told him about mine... he knows I'm engaged and doesn't want us to break up on account of him but he just wanted me to know about what's going on with him so that he wouldn't regret not telling me for the rest of his life. I don't know who to choose because I have strong feelings for both of them and don't want to hurt either of them. What should I do???
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broke up, emotionally abusive, engaged, fiance, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Butterman  +, writes (7 October 2008):
I think it may be time for you to get some professional help from a family counselor. If you are, in fact, engaged to an emotionally abusive person, you will have to fix that problem if you want to get married to this man. It is also important to attempt to nail down the root of the problem. For instance, it may be that what you consider abuse, may simply be the case of two people that simply aren't right for each other acting out in unfavorable ways. Also, if you have feelings for another man, that simply broke it off with you simply because of his feelings of inadequacy--that he's not good enough for you, this is a bigger issue than you may realize. You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with your fiance, or if you may be engaged to him simply because you are trying to fill a void left by the broken relationship you were in with your ex-boyfriend. Don't lie to yourself. But, don't simply follow your gut feeling. Get some counseling. And remember that life is too short to settle for anything. It's not worth it to be with anyone if you are not certain you love that person unconditionally. In my opinion, I can't see a marriage working with anyone if you still have feelings for another man. If you are torn, the right thing to do would be to break it off with both of them and simply breath and be yourself for awhile. This is the movies. This is the real game of life. You don't want to open a can of worms you can't close.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): I believe you have to make a choice of who you really want.If your ex-boy friend was really good enough, he would not have left you in the first place.On the other hand,your fiance loves you and really wants to marry you.Dont throw away your happiness on the account of your ex wanting you back,he simply wants to feel the vaccum when he leaves his current girl. Remember "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"
GO AHEAD WITH YOUR WEDDING TO YOUR FIANCE AND DONT LOOK BACK.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 October 2006):
 Hey,
The fact that you are ENGAGED to a man that you are not sure you want to marry tells me, that your fiance deserves better than this.
Let him know you are unsure, and maybe he will be strong enough to dump you.
If your ex bf abandoned you once, he will do it again. If he does not feel worthy of you, my guess is that he is probably right.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2006): Let 's go over all this. Your ex bf felt he wasn't good enough for you. So you both broke up. He went ahead and found other people to date and so did you. Both of you were in emotionally abusive relationships after that. You broke free of that and found a wonderful new guy 10 months ago and got engaged. Your ex bf, however didn't do so well. The female he is with treats him badly and he's discouraged with this relationship, even though he has 'not' ended it. Yet, he has still made the decision to tell you his feelings for you. He has told you he does not want to disrupt your love relationship with your fiancee, but told you he cared for you. Have you ever asked yourself, why he did this? Do you think it's likely that he is pretty emotionally heartsick and needy right now, in light of what he's going through?
If I were you, I wouldn't make any sudden moves to leave your fiancee. I would sit back and think about both men long and hard. And base your decision not just on heartfelt feelings but on common sense and rationale. You are looking for the best person for your future which could mean, marriage, family and strong committment. Marriage is wonderful but it has it's challenges when kids, house mortgages and bills come into the big picture. Take what you know..and decide on the man who would fit that bill. Look at your past history with both men.
Which one is most reliable? Which one will be an exemplary father to your children? Which one will be there for you-over the long haul? Be careful here because sometimes women will will make the wrong decision, in their inner battle of choosing between two men. Sadly, their sense of ethics and standards is lost to immediate self-interest And the reward for that momentary thrill is causing destructive consequences in their own life and their future. So how do you choose. You choose the man that you feel is most dependable, the one that will always honor you, respect you and love and cherish you, forever. Good luck and let us know what you decide, dear.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (20 October 2006):
 Personally, I believe that once a person has met "the one" than thats just what they are "the one". If you had met your current fiance before you met your ex who would you have been with??? I still love my first love and think that she is the only woman I will ever love like that. You can find love in other places but no love can ever match that first one. Its your choice ultimately but I wouldn't want you to direct what love you have for your ex to the wrong person. Search your heart and the best way to answer is: At the the end of the day what would make you happier?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks a lot for your advice 'anonymous' ... it helps... btw me and my ex were apart for about a year now and he says he thinks that I'm the only thing that can make him happy and that we wont make the same misatkes again and he thinks that we will be great together now... xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): I personally believe that marriage is something that is forever. And although it's very normal to have doubts before you get married, to be seriously thinking about breaking up with your beloved is something that you've really got to think about. If you're unhappy now, and you're not married, what will it be like when you're married? You say your ex-boyfriend and you broke up because he thought he wasn't good enough for you, perhaps he will still feel the same if you start going out again?
I know you say you don't want to hurt either of them, but darling, whatever decision you choose that's going to happen!
Have you seen The Notebook? This scenario is very similar to that story line. Obviously things are never the same in real life. But, in the end, the main character chose to leave her fiance to go live with her first love.
I think, based on my experiances with love, you're first love is something that you'll never forget. It's new, fresh and exciting. A brand new feeling. Most women, including myself, loved that period of their lives, but now have moved on, and entered a brand new stage of my life, I think that if you are unable to forget your first love and still long for them, and it depends on how long it's been since you broke up, then you never will not.
If I was in your situation, personally I'd go with my first love. But it's not my life.
Hope i've helped.
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (20 October 2006):
 Well I guess you could look at it this way: staying with your fiance wouldn't hurt either of them:-)
Or if you really cant decide, guess you can always flip a coin!
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