A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:To continue the present course or not.My fiance' and I will be married in slightly over a month and while I have zero fears about getting married she does. She says that 50% of herself is afraid of marriage and 50% can't wait and is telling the other half that its being foolish.We are nearing the very end of a one year K1 Visa process for her to come to the US. Apparently this fear has come and gone for her and she says that its based on her seeing bad marriages including her parents. She's afraid that we will grow to hate one another in the future. (I should add it has NOTHING to do with coming to the USA as she has lived here before)Now most of our friends (though not quite all) have said to us that this is normal that most have some fear of commitment leading up to marriage.Yet I do remember someone telling me that marriage should be entered into only when 100% of the fear is gone. So far my thoughts have been to continue the path, support her but let her make her decision which at this point is to get married.However, that one friends words ring in my mind and tempt me to( ever so slightly)make a tough decision and end it because she is not 100% strong in her decision.We have been together for 3 years, we have lived together before the visa application and we definitely love each other 100%.Now you often here that once people get to the marriage cross roads and they back away one or the other typically breaks off the relationship altogether because they feel they are wasting there time. While I certainly don't believe in this, in our case if we do not get married our relationship will likely end because we won't be in the same country any longer. Having already had a visa in her country I doubt I could get another and because of the K1 she wouldn't be able to get a visa here for quite sometime.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): A very good idea! Get into some pre-marriage counseling to seek advisement on what's best for both of you. Good luck and let us know how you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a better idea of her exact fear as well. She has a fear of the future and that she will change completely in that future. I know where this comes from.
Her mother as she got older changed drastically and is definitely bipolar. Often from the second month I dated her to even now my fiance has said that she fears she will become her mom.
While her parents are still together, apparently her father feels "tricked" in that he married one person and has another now. I will say that her mother was very very young when they married..ie at around 18.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): You might not like what I have to say but I will say it anyways. You are most definitely at a crossroads here. It could be just cold feet but usually one is simply feeling the excitement of something they have never done before, something which is a major permanent change in life. It is like the nervous butterflies actors feel before going onstage. However, I feel uneasy about your gf's fears. It's not butterflies or nervousness. She knows that if the marriage doesn't take place, she leaves and this relationship may end. I honestly think she's not quite ready, nor is she at the same place as you are. How do I know that? She is already predicting the marriage's demise. She needs to know that not all marriages end up a disaster like her parents. And marriagable love is what you feel for the one you want to be with for the rest of your life. It's the most monumental committment. It's supposed to be an enhancement to both of your lives. It is for 'two people' who love, trust, care for, and respect one another. It is for two who willingly and with 'no doubts' want to share all their days together. So your fiancee is saying to herself, "I love him but...I think I want to marry him, but....." When I hear the word 'but' I often think, that is not the truest type of love needed for as serious as a relationship as marriage. She's leaving herself an 'out'. Either she wants to marry you for certain, because in her gut she knows you are truely the one for her or she doesn't. I think you and she really need to talk and you need to find out if she feels 100% on loving you as you do her.
There is the kind of person who doubts marriage is a good idea for them. This could be her. Many of them know they are making a mistake, but they lack the strength to stop things. The way to handle this is by her and you facing it directly. Talk to her calmly and ask for a definitive YES or NO. Do not accept any other answers. One thing we know is you both need to face it, as you both are on the cusp of this big significant life-changing situation. If she says a definite NO, you face it head on and decide for your self if making a clean break will help you move forward. You will have the right to feel disappointed, hurt and even angry but like life, the pain will fade over time. You have to communicate very, very clearly with her, what you need to know and do it asap. You need some direction and some balance in which way you both are heading. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've decided that the best thing for me to do is continue my course. I will not cut things off, as its her decision regarding what she feels. I will neither dissuade or convince, I will simply support whatever her decision is.
We both agree that there is no other person for us. We both agree that we don't want to live without the other. Therefore I'm going to ask her if we can go to a marriage counselor either before or after marriage (probably better if its before) and determine what is behind her fears and how we can work on them.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): I am in the same boat... been seeing my girlfriend for 3 years now, and despite her wanting us to get married for the past two years, I am still having doubts. Much of those doubts come from my own insecurities about marriage as a whole, and I often wonder if I would be better off staying single, financially secure, and comfortable with my lifez as opposed to risking it all by getting married. If she has doubts, then I'd finish it now as she will never truly be content with a marriage.
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