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male
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anonymous
writes: HiI've been with my fiancee now for a year and a half. We are due to get married next year, the trouble is, she likes going on holidays, lots of them. She works in a college and gets 6 weeks off every summer, I however work in an office 9 to 5 with not many holidays. This summer I managed to get a week off and we went away together with her little one. We were only back one day when she saw another holiday package deal, liked the look of it and decided to book in for another week away, leaving me at home to go to work. You may say so what, but she had already booked a holiday for us both to go on later in the fall. My problem is that I just can't afford to go holidays all the time and as we are getting married next year, I'm having to use a reasonable amount of my wedding savings to go on the holiday in the fall. This has created doubts in my mind about what our marriage will be like if this pattern of 3 to 4 holidays a year continues. If I can afford to get married next year ar all. My question is, what should I do, what shall I say to her, and also is it reasonable for my fiancee to go on regular holidays for weeks at a time without talking it thru with me or even considering my feelings?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2005): Is this a new hobbie she has developed? Was she a traveller before you met?. I myself am in a relationship with a wonderful man who gets far fewer holidays than me. My passion is travel, its a big part of who I am. My partner was aware of this before I met him. He often joins me on my holidays, but also respects my right to fulfill my passions on my own if he cant come. He would never stand in the way of my dreams.In return I am supportive of his hobbies and I have confidence that we are strong enough to enjoy lifes pleasures together and on our own. What part of her travels makes you feel uncomfortable? does she ask you to fund them? does she ask you to watch her child while she is gone? or is it maybe that she didnt ask your permission? If she is financially independent and arranging her own childcare then you must explain that financially you can not keep up, but give her the freedom to continue her hobbie on her own and let her know you are there for her. If you try to tie her down or change her into what you want you might risk loosing her altogether.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (27 July 2005):
You are right to worry about what your marriage is going to be like if this is how things are now.
The way that she is behaving is by no means reasonable or fair.
You must tell her how you feel and your fears for your future marriage. Ask her if holidays could be confined to times that you can go together as a family with her and her little one.
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reader, pops +, writes (22 July 2005):
I tend to agree with Tabu. However, you should also expect that your wife will want and deserve time alone periodically, to explore her own world and interests. Share her adventures when you can, but don't be an anchor and try to make her feel guilty when she takes a trip on her own. (Now, playing babysitter for her while she is on these trips is another matter.)She should also expect you to do things on your own, without her. It is often these separate interests and adventures that make the person you are attracted to interesting to you in the first place. It would be nice if you both had the same interests, but this is next to impossible to find today. Give her space and time to do her own things, and expect the same from her. You will both be more interesting to each other, and absense does make the heart grow fonder. Talk to her about your feelings. Have her read your question, and our answers.
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A
female
reader, Tabu +, writes (21 July 2005):
No its not fair for her not to discuss things with you before she does them, this is a partnership your entering into and she needs to respect that, as well as you not being finacially capable of the holiday life style. Most Americans go on the average of one vacation with the family a year if they're lucky..Does your sweetie want to settle down with you or PanAm? Does she come from a well to do family? Is she the only child? Can she really afford this life style? And most of all does she want you to share her life? If so you need to sit down and have a long talk, otherwise you'll be home working for the next lets just say 20 years while she and the little one are on the road again. Good Luck
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