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female
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anonymous
writes: I recently got engaged to the man I have been seeing for the last year and a half. I thought things would be wonderful but I soon found myself diappointed.His family has never liked me from the get go. They are European and since I am not, they think I have "bad blood". Everytime I visit them I am made to do their household chores, not that I don't mind helping but the tasks are often degrading and go unappreciated.Everytime they call my house they are rude to me and I often get off the phone in tears. My Fiancee says things like "well I wasn't around to hear that or my family would not act that way." I had finally had enough so I blocked their number from calling here. I figured that if they were going to call my house just to be rude to me and to get me fighting with my Fiancee they were better off not calling at all. My Fiancee has a cell phone that they can easily reach him at so if there was ever an emergency it wouldn't go unnoticed.Since I have recently been laid of from my job my Fiancee has been paying our bills. He is now refusing to pay any of them since I blocked his family from calling. They bills are all in my name and I fear he is going to wreck my credit standing.I am tired of this and I want to leave but we owe a ton of money on joint credit cards. I feel trapped and alone.What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2005): Your fiancee needs to be supportive of you. If his parents are treating you badly in any way, it's his responsibility to put a stop to it. It's his parents, only he can speak up. He needs to understand that his support of you is not being disloyal to his parents. It simply shows his parents that he respects you, and they must do the same, as well.
If your fiancee feels caught in the middle because he's trying to ride the fence, your relationship will weaken. your frustration will compound and the relationship will inevitably self-destruct. On the other hand, with him by your side and you both presenting a united front shows them that you are really in love and that you make their son happy. They may then realize that if their son loves you, perhaps they should, too.
But your fiancee is wrong to do nothing about this and needs to get some backbone to stand up to his folks and learn to respect you. Remember, when you do get married, y his family becomes an extension of your own. And pleasing his parents, as well as him, will prove difficult you. It will drain the life energy out of you and how fair is that? The bottom line, however, is that you can only do so much to "make" somebody like you. After all, you have done your best and have given it time. This has become their problem, not yours so don't feel you have to appease them and solve the problem. Let them take ownership of that.
You and your fiancee should see a couple counselor to obtain guidance on how to strengthen your relationship and cope with his folks. But please, do not marry this man until he "sees the light" and if nothing improves..then you may have to consider moving on, before the bitter resentment from his folks, destroys your self-worth & confidence. No one is worth that, hun. Take care of yourself,
Hugs, Irish
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (8 September 2005):
I agree with Bev, he will not change. He sounds like a mummys boy and believe me they make the very worst husbands. You have the power of chice here, don't put up with it for a moment longer, imagine how much more trapped you would feel if you were married to this guy and had his children. Money is only money and can be sorted out as Bev suggests, self esteem is much harder to get back, get out while you still have some left.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 September 2005):
 His family don't respect you - you already know that - but your fiance doesn't care that much about you, either. I don't think you're recognising that fact.
The way that he's brushing it off ("I wasn't there...") suggests that he puts the happiness of his relatives above yours. That's not fair! You two are supposed to be a team, and he's supposed to be playing on the same side as you. He's supposed to help protect you from Life's little slings and arrows, not pass the ammunition! To let his family treat you like "the help", and let them disparage you shows that he secretly shares all the same opinions and has the same moral weaknesses they do. That's pathetic!
I urge you to call off the wedding. You're gaining nothing but another adversary by marrying this guy, and frankly, he sounds weak and a bit dependant.
As to the credit card debt, it's really not worth getting *married* - and putting up with a lifetime of shabby treatment from his boorish family - just to save you paying off the credit cards, is it? Contact your creditors, explain your predicament, make other payment arrangements. Believe me, you're not the first person to have this problem. They've seen everything and heard every sob story, but if you take the initiative and explain what's going on, your banks and lenders are going to do all they can to help you manage the debt. It's far, far better to do that, than to wait until they're sending you letters of demand!
And it's better to step away from someone who'd allow his family to disdain you, than to marry him.
Good luck. Please be strong and think about your future!
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reader, pops +, writes (8 September 2005):
How many ways must you be told that this relationship is not going to work before you ask, no tell, him to leave, and end it? The purpose of engagements is to allow the couple to find out if they can live together. Families come with the deal. If they don't like you, and he allows them to be rude to you, it isn't working for the two of you. No relationship can work with out each party respecting the other. You should not have cut off the phone calls without talking to him, but I certainly don't blame you for doing so. His behavior is unforgiveable. Dump him. You will survive, and their are nice guys out their who will be proud to date you.
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