A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee has stayed friends with an ex lover. He lives in another state. He contacts her every now and then. She has told me how their relationship quickly morphed from lovers to friends and the lovers part was just a mistake. She insists that they have this "connection" and has absolutely no interest in him as anything but a dear old friend. I totally believe her, but my deep down gut tells me otherwise about him. She wants me to meet him and see that he is no threat to our relationship. I want absolutely no part of this. It sickens me to my core. I don't want to be the "its him or me" guy. I have even toyed with the idea of going through with a meeting as a potential for personal/spiritual growth. I just don't see a positive outcome from such a meeting? She seems to think that once he meets me and see's that she is in good hands that he will stop. I see a potential for disaster. How can we resolve this?
View related questions:
fiance, her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): I'm not sure about the part "once he sees she's in good hands he'll stop"---stop what? If she's wanting his approval of you, that would bug me a lot.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (19 September 2010):
A lot of times I think there's this tendency to dislike someone's exes: through jealousy, thinking they treated our partner badly, thinking about all the bad qualities they have (from hearing possible venting stories, etc). And this can create anger and being upset if your partner still is friends with them. I actually believe the best way to alleviate this is to meet them, and generally as soon as possible. When we meet someone, as long as they are polite, nice, open, etc to us, we tend to form somewhat positive impressions and start to like them.
So meeting exes humanizes them in our eyes and we see them as people, not just the ex. And if our partner still is friends with them, it makes it easier to live with. Instead of them fraternizing with the ex/enemy, they're talking to our acquaintance, or possibly eventually friend.
I don't really know what kind of disaster you're envisioning. She is with you, so as long as you behave in an appropriate way, I don't see what kind of disaster could occur. Are you imagining a fight with him? Or him stealing her away? As long as your relationship is strong, just try to go through with the meeting and be polite and try to see the ex as just another person you're meeting for the first time.
...............................
|
