A
female
age
41-50,
*iredrake
writes:My fiance and I have been together for just under a year, although we've known each other for well over five years. After spending the first few months of our relationship being long distance due to his final months in the military we talked a lot, and I felt we had a very strong relationship. Since he's moved back we started living together, then got engaged. While we had been having some issues (nothing I wouldnt expect from any relationship) I thought we had worked through them, then lastnight he drops on me that hes "not happy" and "doesnt want to be married" At this point the engagement is off, and he's giving us a month to try and work things out, but he doesnt seem to think that anything will change. According to him the "spark" is gone for him, and he doesnt think of me as anything other than a roommate or friend. I'm so lost on what to do or how to handle this. I'm not willing to just walk away from this, I know he's the one, and I wonder is this is partially cold feet from the thought of the wedding (we had set a date in sept of next year). He claims that its nothing that I've done, and it's not that he met someone else. I just dont know what I can do to help him find the spark again.
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female
reader, firedrake +, writes (30 November 2010):
firedrake is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be completely honest I knew things were getting a bit stale with us awhile ago, so I've been trying to do little things when I can (I work extremely long days). Dressing up for him and surprising him with it. Cooking him dinner, I even suggested we start a weekly date night about a month ago (we had some issues with how often we had sex...he didnt think it was enough, and it had caused some issues with us and a disconnect) which we did the date night a few times then he just started making plans with friends on the days we had set earlier in the week as date nights so I just stopped trying.
After talking with him last night its come down to this. He says he doesnt love me anymore, doesnt care like he should, he dosent even want to try to work things through because according to him there is nothing that is going to fix this. He says we are too different, which I disagree with, and my attempts at suggesting doing the little things to spice things up, doing things for each other...anything, was shot down. He just doesnt even want to try. I'm at a loss of what do or say. Everything suddenly starts a fight with him.
At this point Im just struggling to keep myself sane...but I just dont know what to do anymore...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): Wow.. this feels like I am reading my own post a while ago! I can relate more than you know!!
Our relationship took major strain several weeks ago, but it was external factors and misunderstanding that caused our trust to fade away and everything went down hill and we lost our spark that we always had, our relationship was always a breeze, we lost that excitement, we lost our passion, our romantic life took a dive, and our communication lines disintergrated to a point where we would hardly talk or text much, and we were on the verge of breaking up, but we met up, we poured our hearts out to one another about how we felt that we had lost "US" and the way that the other had changed and how that affected the other.. we both didn't realise that due to stress and pressure we were changing but not in a good way, we spoke about the things that were annoying us and spoke about the things that excited us about eachother, and we focused on that and we both realized that without knowing it, we were ultimately pushing eachother away and when we came to ask the serious question of, "do we want to be together" we both said yes, and from there, we worked on opening up again.. communication opened again, and with the communication lines open and the trust back in our relationship we hugged and it was such an intense hug for a while and the sexual tension between us was reignited and the way that we looked at eachother came back.
Neither wanted to let go without a fight and we weren't open with eachother with what was bugging us.. and we believe that if the trust and communication is gone, all else fails!
We started doing little things that we used to do, like going on dinner dates, or on double dates with friends, going for walks together, being naughty and having that power and magic between us was alive.. The way I would look at him with that naughty look and having him do the same made us romantic again.
I think on your side things have become somewhat routine, you need to sit down with him, and be open and say how you feel, and for him to say what he feels and what he misses, ask him what the "spark" was, see how he felt when the spark was there, and what turned him on.
Then from there both must want this relationship fully, and be willing to work at it.. to keep the spark alive its important to never let the flame get wet.
In your post he says that he looks at you as a friend and room mate, do things to spice things up, treat eachother to breakfast in bed sometimes, even with sexy lingerie, make that extra effort to make yourself feel hot.. Men are turned on when they see that we are confident and look after ourselves, things that turn him on, and things that turn you on too!
Surprise eachother with little things and from there keep it fun.
Go on a first date again, where both meet at the venue, and make it exciting!!
If communication opens and both are willing to make it work and if the love is there.. it can work.. I know it worked for me, and its a work in progress.. and it also keeps you on your toes and you also wont get bored with yourself.
All the Best
xxx
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (29 November 2010):
It's hard to tell from this whether there's anything you can do to bring back the spark. If it was from fighting or lack of physical intimacy/connection or a lack of excitement, these are things that you could work to bring back.
Talk to him about it. Try to instill more fun into the relationship. Do fun things together, ask him what he'd like to do. Just spend your time together happy, laughing, and enjoying yourself. That's the only thing I can think of. It's hard to say whether the problem lies with him, or with the relationship. And whether it can be changed, especially in a month.
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