A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Fiancé is a generally wonderful guy; intelligent, sweet, loving and kind. He's a doctor and very passionate about his work. While he does lab research now, he did do many years with Doctors Without Borders (D.W.B.) and I know he saw some really horrible things. Those things stay with him, and haunt him (he's had more than a few nightmares). He always hides the hardest details from me, and everyone else for that matter.A week ago, I discovered what one of those details were: a woman. He left his brief case open, and since I respect his privacy, went to close it but I saw a letter in side, with the words, "I love you" written as the closing. I read the many letters and my rage built as I thought he had been having an affair...and then I read the date; they were well over a decade old. She was a fellow doctor, and I found some old, and clearly tear-stained, photos of her in the briefcase as well...she was stunningly beautiful. I also found an engagement ring...I suppose I was jealous and after days of playing dumb, I confronted him about her. His face went white, and then he filled with anger. We screamed and shouted at one another for an hour. I even called him a "lying, womanizing pig." He finally charged into the bathroom fuming with rage, slammed then locked the door and turned on the shower. I sat down next to the door, and listened to him cry his heart out, poorly masked by the sound of the water. He stayed in there for hours, and when he came out he told me everything about her. She was pregnant, when she discovered a lump in her breast (very aggressive). She refused to have an abortion, thinking she could carry the baby until it was viable, forgoing chemotherapy as a result (but did undergo a double mastectomy). She died several months later, from a whole host of complications; the baby did not survive either. He said that after, he "didn't trust himself to be alone for very long" -- It's pretty clear what that means. I don't know what to do. If I leave him, I can only imagine what will become of him -- the fact that he hasn't shown up to work at all this week is clearly a bad sign -- he hasn't left the house in 3 days. Yet, while I know he loves me, he's not 'in love' with me, and I don't think he ever will be. She's been dead for over 12 years, so I don't foresee him ever getting over her, not to mention the loss of his unborn child. I no longer blame him for keeping her memory away from me...it's clear he has a lot of trouble dealing with it. Yet, it's a sign that I will never really know him -- I don't think now that I ever really could.I'm in pieces at the moment. I don't know what to do.Do I, or don't I, leave him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOf course I do not plan on leaving him any time soon, but our wedding *was* planned to be in 5 weeks. We live together.
The reason I asked if I should leave him, is because he asked me to leave him -- as he apologized for being "inadequate," which he's not.I know that is just the grief talking, but even when he comes to his senses, the request may be the same. Either way, I'd understand, if not any less heartbroken.
I bring him food, force him to bathe and make excuses for him to his boss (who is absolutely livid with him). I even got my dear friend, who is a psychiatrist, to come and visit him...he didn't take that very well. He's smarter than her, like most people, and shredded her. He's fighting against his own best interests, and doesn't seem ready to change that any time soon.
I just didn't know this -- his own brother didn't know about her (although they are somewhat estranged). He's always so secretive with his feelings, and I'm not the only one to notice. He is usually very cool, calm and collected...to see him not be able to control his emotions...it's so alien to my eyes. He does funny and loving very well...the other emotions though, clearly, give him trouble.
Sorry for another mini-essay. I realize that I come off differently than I intended to in the original.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): Okay, So your future husband has been through a traumatic experience which he has been unable to talk about and you are thinking of leaving him?First, look at yourself. If this is your response to the situation, perhaps there is a reason he has not told you about this part of his life. You can't possibly love him if this is your reaction to his turmoil!Why have you not visited and stayed with him at home? Cooked for him and given him cuddles and love. You say he hasn't shown up at work, why are you not with him??? Your suppose to be his future wife, present best friend and love...Perhaps this is why he isn't IN LOVE with you, you treat him like a stranger when things get tough! Yes, you will never really know him if you act in such a cold way when he is truly suffering.You need to put your insecurities aside and be there for him. Talk openly, be his best friend and companion. Help him off his feet, sign him up in therapy, talk to him.... Why is this about you - not really knowing him and so on? How in the world did you manage to turn things around like this! Its selfish to think about yourself and your realization right now. He obviously has had a difficult time dealing with the past, have some compassion. This is not about you. Step up and put your insecurities aside. He needs someone right now. You're SUPPOSE to be there for him!!!
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A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 I work in the medical environment and from my experience Doctors make the worst patients.
You acknowledge that he is hurting and still haunted.
You also love him.
My suggestion is to postpone any wedding plans and take the talk of marriage off the table.
He may not have ever addressed his grief over this loss. He lost a partner and a child in one swoop. You can offer your compassion and put your own feelings about the love between you to the side right now. Show him that love and encourage him to get professional counseling to talk about what happened. Do not go unless you are invited for support. Offer to go, but do not insist.
Only after he addresses the loss, can the two of you move forward and figure out where you stand with each other.
If you feel that you can not possibly watch him go thru a grieving process, then speak up now to him so he is not caught blindsided by your exit. Rally family and friends to be there for him if you choose to step away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): 1. Encourage him to seek professional help. After 12, he shouldn't be weeping and having such emotional meltdowns.
As far as whether to stay or leave, that is all up to you. I personally would not be able to deal with this type of baggage. I wouldn't want to share my fiance's heart, but that's just me. From the letter that you write, it seems that you, too are very uncomfortable and upset over this arrangement.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Whether you leave him or not is not the issue. And whether or not you still love him is immaterial right now.
Doctors are renowned as being often cavalier about getting treatment for their own woes.
This man is currently deeply in grief.
Have you thought of taking a few days off to support this man? Have you been around to visit him at home? Have you sat down to talk to him to help him deal with his deep deep pain and encouraged him to get professional help?
Even if you intend to leave him don't you think he needs your support right now? Even if he tells you to GO!
Reach out to this poor man, suffering, thinking he has to get out of the deep hole all by himself.
This poor grieving man probably never got counselling when his lover died. Nor when his baby failed to survive.
Can you imagine how much that hurt him?
His deceased lover is not a threat to you.
My first husband has been deceased ages now, and I still have him in my heart. But now I have a wonderfully entertaining loving man in my life who is not threatened by my deceased husband. And who is not threatened by my wedding photos from the first wedding also on display.
Please, first give this poor man some empathy and kindness. Listen to him. Try to get this man to a Doctor or for some counselling. He clearly has a good kind heart. And on the contrary he was not unfaithful but was loving to you. But was also could not let go yet of his deeply felt memories of her.
Please don't abandon this man when he is hurting the most.
You may or may not break up in the future. But right now you are who he needs to comfort him and help him trust that life can be good again.
Best Wishes
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