A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 29ys old. I've been with my fiance for 4yrs.He is 51 Both of us have been divorced and were very happy to find each other though it was unexpected. Here is my dilemma.I think he's changing. I've talked to him over and over till I'm blue in the face trying alll different angles. Sit down talk ,letters,getting mad (never fun). I do NOT pull ultimatums.He spends more time playing video games than with his family. We met playing music together and now he hasn't played in at least 1yr.I have literally lain down with a neglige on and he got mad because I was distracting his game. And we've been arguing over this and the problems over and over. NOTHING has changed except he plays a LITTLE less on weekends.The next part is a little embarrassing. He isn't "satisfying" me anymore. He NEVER lasts long enough.He knows how to get me off but just 90% of the time focus on that for me. We'll be ..ya know..., and it just starts to rev me up and then it's done.....like 5 maybe 10 mins? If that. I don;t know how to tell him or broach the subject without him getting really offended. He makes me feel really good but it is NOT lasting long enough I on top of EVERYTHING else going on in the relationship I starting to have serious doubts about it lasting. Any tips or advise would be warmly welcomed!!!
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (4 August 2012):
 It certainly sounds like you've done everything you can to get to the bottom of why he feels the way he does.
I will give you some suggestions, based upon your answers:
1) Hours of lovemaking usually happens in the first few months of a relationship, when it is all new and you get to explore intimacy with someone new. Under all but the most rare circumstances, eventually the passion does subside. It can be rekindled -- through special occasions or if one person goes the extra mile for another person (i.e. wearing sexy lingerie, setting the mood, etc). However, I think it would be unrealistic to expect mind-blowing, hour-long sex on a nightly basis. He should be at least satisfying you (providing you with an orgasm)
2) If your boyfriend is saying he is tired of things -- why not let him rest? Playing video games may be his form of "recovery". The more you press the issue, the further he will retreat into his man cave and the longer he will have to rest. This is GUARANTEED. Push too hard and you risk losing him and coming off as clingy and nagging.
Ultimately, I think you have to be patient with your boyfriend. He is older, so his bedroom stamina may be waning. You are approaching your sexual peak as well, so he may not be up to handling you.
Also, couples do change as life goes on. You have stated that you have been together for 4 years. Interests change. I know I am not the same person I was 4 years ago -- sure I have some of the same interests, but I have taken up new interests and have put aside ones I was once passionate about. Couples that are solid respect and know that people change over time and give them room to grow and take solace in what they do share together.
It sounds like to me, that things are largely normal, but you may be struggling with some the emotional chasm that has grown between you two. It may be time to take some personal reflection to determine whether or not this man is truly the one you want to be with. The decision on this is never easy, and maybe some sort of counseling for you may make it easier for you to determine what your next course of action is.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I don't really "resent" him. And our lovemaking used to last hours...sorry about the tmi. I do know that relationships simmer down so to speak in the bedroom. HE does seem "distracted" a lot when we are intimate. And I have listened to his responses to talking about all of our problems not only the physical issue. He says "he's just tired of everything" and I think possible his age/health do play SOME factors in his libido. I just am at a loss of what to do. We used to write music together, now he wants nothing to do with it. Same story, almost, in the bedroom. He says he still finds me very attractive but never really "shows" it. Do you think couples counseling is needed? I've tried taking me out on date or to dinner for special occasions, but as soon as we get home 9/10 he turns on the games. Oh and let me clarify with them game. He plays online warfare games so it can never be "beaten" in a way.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 August 2012):
It sounds like you've done a lot to keep your man and to show him how much you need him. However, it seems he has taken you for granted -- or you have become too clingy and his outlet is his games.
These days, computer games can be very involved and time consuming. In addition, he may have some stresses from work or just needs time alone, hence his outlet is games.
The question is, are you giving him his space or could it be that his lack of attention to you is his way of dealing with feeling smothered?
Obviously when you have gotten mad with him about things, have you listened to his response(s)? Are they valid? Have you seen things through his eyes?
These are important questions. In marriages and long-term relationships, it isn't necessarily whether you have a lot in common -- it's how you handle your differences. No matter what the problem is, if your partner fails to meet you at least half way and discuss things rationally, it doesn't spell a successful future together.
At this point, I think you need to take a step back and look at the reality of your relationship. Is this the man you truly want to spend the rest of your life with? Is he capable of satisfying you, listening to your needs, and being a proper husband? Do you have to nag and scold him? Does he feel like you are a nag?
These are all signs that someone has to give in the relationship. If neither one of you budges and meets the other person half way, I see either a miserable relationship or an ugly breakup in your future.
I do hope you take some time and really try to look at the big picture of what he is telling you and what his actions mean.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 August 2012):
 Actually, I think you both have changed. Your relationship has gotten stale, and unfortunately, pulling ultimatums and starting arguments isn't the best way to remedy this, even though they are people's first reactions to the symptoms of staleness.
As for his video games, he does need to learn moderation with them. I'm a gamer myself, so it's easy when there's a new game out to only know that game and nothing else. After years of anticipation, literally a social life can be put on hold until the game is beaten. Best way to counteract that is to plan things. Tell him that you want to go out on a date, get away from the TV, and tell him that this night just focuses on each other. The thing is -- you have to plan it, not be spontaneous. If that doesn't work, then he's in some trouble, because then the video game has become an addiction same as anything else can be.
As for the satisfaction in bed part, both of you are causing that to happen. He is distracted and you are resentful, which makes him want to hurry up and makes you not able to let go. What used to take 10 minutes to fulfill you now takes 25 and so forth.
You need to sit down and talk to him and tell him you're feeling the relationship has gotten stale and that it's both of your fault. Work WITH him to find ways to re-ignite it. If that doesn't work, then the relationship might just have run its course and you two may have to amicably go separate ways.
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