A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee has been seeing someone else behind my back. She has not had sex with him (according to her). She did tell me that she was attracted to him, and I let her know I was uncomfortable with her spending alone time with him. She bookmarked her inbox on my computer, and when we talked about it (after she had continued to see him), I sensed she was not being truthful and couldn't help myself. Here is what I found:I hope we can steal away together again before I leave.The only problem now is that you've rushed my heart and over-taken my thoughts. I'm not sure if I wish I hadn't found that a deep connection like this exists, or if I wish I could explore it further.I'm going to say, perhaps some mundane 'relationship' would only ruin this connection, and that being forced to keep it more platonic is the only thing keeping the connection alive.I hope you feel the same, but if you think that's just justifying bull-shit you should tell me.No matter what kind, love is a good thing. Even if only as a friend, I'm glad we found each other. August 12 at 6:32pmBefore I get into it, let me say that I am requesting that money transfer from my Mom today. I will take enough out of the wedding account for my plane ticket home and for whatever is left on your school tab. Let me know if you want to meet up tomorrow (early's OK) to take the cash to school...OK here we go on the deep tip...Since I wrote that last message, I've had an incredible breakthrough and I owe it partly to the time we've spent together. I'm so glad I waited for your response, before I revamped the last message. You are so smart; and in the midst of your own personal turmoil, you kept you head more level than I could. Those words, in just a few cyber moments, were beautiful and true.I owe you an apology. Without consciously realizing it, I think I was trying to scare you off by using the word 'relationship'. We are both well aware of how impossible that would be, but are also aware of how even a concept like that would scare someone so newly broken up. I really don't want to be that diabolical! I didn't know what else to do. I felt like we would have sex if I saw you again, and we both know that sneaking around like that is WRONG! BTW when I use the word love, I'm not trying to scare you. Love doesn't seem like a scary thing to me, and I believe too many confuse love with commitment and obligation, which can ruin some fragile, fleeting loves.My breakthrough has taken the urgency out of making that physical connection happen, because I now can see a future where I wouldn't have to sneak around if I needed to explore you- or another rare and special man or woman- mind, body and soul.OK, I'm coming out to you first...I think I am polyamorous. I was up all night trying to figure out what was wrong with me, how to resist temptation, etc. I came across this site (alt.polyamory), read some great FAQ essays, and it's me! Everything is different now, I don't feel like I have this horrible cross to bear.I hope it doesn't seem weird to you. It seems perfect and a matter of life and soul-death to me. I don't expect you or anyone else to be this way. This may take time for me and him to work out, so we may have to cool our jets this trip. But if all goes well, if you are single or poly the next time our paths cross, we may have permission to explore some unfinished business. I am also happier with the prospect of another year in a long distance relationship now. Not to mention my feelings that I never fully explored my bi-sexual side. Again, hope this doesn't freak you out. You have my most sincere gratitude for helping me to this important realization. Can't wait to give you a big hug before I go.I am absolutely sick about this. We have lived apart for a year, and I have spent thousands on traveling to see her and have been preparing to uproot my life to move across the country to be with her.This all came about when I had recently lost my job and have been very stressed and depressed.I've been in love with this woman since we met almost 15 years ago. What should I do?
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depressed, fiance, long distance, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): hey, dump her sorry ass as quickly as you can. you have the proof, let her go to her other man and as hard as this is right now, you will be better off without the lying scheming *ramp in your life. you have more dignity to accpet some sloppy second tid bits from her. Grimm normally sayd Kick him/her to the curb. In her case the sooner the better
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 August 2009):
 There is not a lot you can do I'm afraid if you want to keep hold of some self-respect and dignity - you have to leave her. Whether her cheating has been sexual or not; at the end of the day she is in love with someone else, and emotional cheating is just as bad (if not worse) than sexual cheating.
It sounds like you have given your all in this relationship and she has completely abused your trust and your love for her. There is no way around what she has done, and she has clearly no intentions of ever being faithful to you. Do you really want to stay with a woman who has deeper feelings for someone else?
I cant imagine how you are feeling right now and I am so sorry you are in this situation, I think it is just terrible how she can willingly treat you like this. For the sake of your own sanity and future happiness the only thing to do is to leave her, if you stay with her it will only bring more pain and misery.
You have been incredibly unfortunate to meet such a person, not many people would be able to treat another human being this way without some feelings of remorse and shame. Dont let her ruin anymore of your life than she already has, let her go and take some time out to get over this awful thing that has happened. Eventually you will see you are better off without her and one day you will meet someone who is really special who deserves your love.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): make a lpan to dump her, execute it and get on with your life. Get a handle on your finances, and pay off any joint debt, cancel any joint credit cards, and take what's your's relative to cash. If she's on your lease give her notice that she'll ahve to move, if you're on hers- get your stuff and get out. This is a bad situation, and you need to exit it.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): To the Poster:
She is cheating. Accept this. You will end up destroying your entire being if, heaven forbid, you stay with this liar. Leave here and suffer for a short while. You have no idea how fortunate you are to have read these emails BEFORE you got married. Leave here, suffer, heal, find your soul mate.
-A guy who has been there.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (17 August 2009):
 You have every right to be sick about this. I suggest you end the engagement right away.Sorry but I was in your position once. I didn't have the luxury of getting a heads up beforehand, I walked in on my fiance having sex with one of my friends in my bed 3 weeks before my wedding.If you want any clarification on what I did, please read my article...and don't end up like me.Get tested for STDs as soon as possible. If you have any joint financial responsibilities right now, SEVER THEM!She is a liar and a cheater. SHE WILL NOT CHANGE!She has done you a huge favor by her stupidity. Imagine for just a moment if this had occurred 5 years down the road, and you had a couple of kids and a mortgage with her?For the love of god, sir...PLEASE READ MY ARTICLE! People like you are the reason I am so brutal on cheaters, if I can save 1 person from making the biggest mistake of their life then all the negative feedback I get is worth it!IF YOU NEED ANY RESOURCES TO HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS YOU CONTACT ME PRONTO!http://www.dearcupid.org/question/a-cautionary-tale.html
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A
male
reader, DracoX +, writes (17 August 2009):
 i agree with baby duck on this my friend you must create your own peace within yourself. some hurts will be strong. this one i know was. but you have 2 choices 1. is to fail. the other is to succeed.
so heres a question i have for you?
do you love yourself?
if you do. you will succeed. and love has no room for a person that doesnt love himself. you must love you before you could ever love another or even at that love again. find your peace as Ducky said. if your trying to find out how. the only way my friend is time. and exaust yourself. scream yell. cry. run!!! run!!! look better for that next girl. make the pain go to the body in a positive way. weight train!!! lift!!! run!!! exaust everything you have in your body. and think on this. i know it might be hard to tell you but... she never really loved you... the person that loves you... wont leave. or better yet. betray you like that. this will leave a scar on your ego yes. but look at it this way. you just got stronger. build your wall. a mental wall. to shut off the feelings. is very hard to do. i can only really talk to you about it. but you must ingrain certain things in your head in order to really start to protect yourself. eventually the hurt wont hurt anymore... i promise...
this might sound weird....
but remember when Dumboledore drank that liquid in the new movie of harry potter. if you havent seen it i recomend you watch it. he was in so much pain. but in the end, he could deal with it. it was just numb. all he needed was water.
eventually you will be numb of this. if you succeed.
you will feel stronger. and you will love again. do things for you my friend. dont think on someone that didnt care about your feelings. or how you felt. turn off the switch that connected you to her. you can do it. you will cry. you will hurt... but you will win. and find something and someone better.
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