A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together about 6 ½ years. Last winter we told our friends and families that we intend to marry someday soon. No ring but we went that far, so I guess she’s my fiancé.We are both in our 40’s. She has children, nearly grown, from a previous marriage. I have no children. Like all couples, we’ve had our share of ups and downs but we “ride the waves” when they come and always seem to come out stronger. All of that brings me to my most recent bumpy wave; religion. She has decided to reconnect with her previous religion. It is a religion we all know and, perhaps, some of you are associated with it so I don’t want to insult but this religion requires lots of time, conformity and effort. I think that’s great until I become the target of the preaching. Every life event, news event, every situation – nearly every conversation ends up that I need to involve myself, with her, in this religion and then I’ll “see the light” and our lives will be magical. In college, and to fulfill credits, I took religious theology and seminary for 4 years. I am pretty familiar with the content of many forms of scripture, not the least, the Bible. I am not a religious person, though I am a spiritual person. All of this was, of course, talked about and entirely acceptable when we were first getting to know each other. Now she’s done this about-face on me.In short, I can see this wave consuming our relationship and crashing it against the rocks. I’m really beginning to get frustrated and juuuuust about angry. I can’t find her! She’s lost in this zeal and intensity! I can’t talk to her about it (or much else) because it ends up that I am without conviction. I’m lost! I’m ignorant! She has become “The Church Lady”. Totally sanctimonious and self-righteous. Frankly, it’s quite the turn off. Everything I bring up as a neutralizer is wrong and stupid and, probably, Satan has my ear! I gotta be honest, I really am having a hard time wanting to even be around her. I’ve nearly shut down. I do the guy thing and just don’t speak. When she asks my why I’m quiet, I just say that I just am right now. I don’t dare open my mouth to offer more than the pleasantries because if I do, I find myself wound up in a circle of “What do you mean by that's and awkward sighs and then silence. Dumb, dumb, DUMB! Maybe I’m just venting but I really don’t know what to do here. I’m hoping it’s a phase but she seems determined that this is going to be her way or no way. Maybe she’s trying to get rid of me!??Appreciate your thoughts, advice and suggestions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): she has redesigned herself recently or perhaps gone back toher roots but she has left you in a cold and friendless place.I would look for a way out because sone people use religion as a form of manipulation and thats what expressions like telling you youve got the devil in you is.How far can you tolerate this? In her own bizarre way she may have done this to try tohold on to you but it sounds to me that all she is doing is pushing you away!
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 September 2015):
 Your submittal is of a relationship that started out fine... but, then, one of the participants changed things..... enough so that, now, that relationship is doomed..... Sorry.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (16 September 2015):
Man,I feel for you, my friend.
As an atheist that would be a dealbreaker for me.
My own husband is a mother earth pagan, and that I can handle as it doesn't come with an instruction manual. You worship mother earth? Ok,at least she's tangible, I suppose I can deal with that.
But when people get bit by the religion bug...seems that's an incurable ailment.
I'm sorry I don't have good advice for you, all I can offer is my empathy.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 September 2015):
 I think she need to hear from you "I have talked with her about this - often, but you know what I will not do? I will not argue about it, so I do a lot of walking away. Unfortunately, she seems to have aligned herself with a sect who encourages "good Bible debates". I won't go there. Not with anyone. The feeling I get from her, and anyone who engages in that kind of conflict is that it's more important to be right than righteous. So go be right."
When I see someone say " Like all couples, we’ve had our share of ups and downs" ... and the relationship is relatively young? What are those ups and those downs?
You go on to say that you ride the waves and come out stronger as a couple. But all of a sudden she's become this rigid religious zealot? Hm.
Well, I think riding that wave to its natural crash on the shore may be the visual and practical end to this this, if neither of you can manage to find a common ground.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2015): Sorry all. I've misplaced my access number and I am the guy who posted this question....You have all given very sound answers/advice which clearly took time and thought on your part to provide and I thank you.It's almost embarrassing but much of what you say is so very obvious, and I know those things - I'm sure I've said them to others but, as you're perhaps aware by your own experiences, we tend to see through a sort of haze when these matters involve ourselves. It seems to make it all less clear, I guess. I have talked with her about this - often, but you know what I will not do? I will not argue about it, so I do a lot of walking away. Unfortunately, she seems to have aligned herself with a sect who encourages "good Bible debates". I won't go there. Not with anyone. The feeling I get from her, and anyone who engages in that kind of conflict is that it's more important to be right than righteous. So go be right. So, I suppose if I felt my talking to her about it and my feelings has brought any thoughts of understanding on her part, I'd continue to try but it doesn't and only seems to serve to strengthens her resolve. Six years is a long time and I'm the oldest I've EVER been right now....ha ha... Of course, you know once I "do what I gotta do", I'll be the wimpy unbeliever.Again, Thank you all very much for your input and time.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 September 2015):
 I have never experienced what you are going through but I know that if both people in a relationship do not share the same basic ideas the relationship can have some serious problems, often ending the relationship/marriage. You would be very wise to talk to your lady and express your true feelings and thoughts and stop biting your tongue. I wouldn't even consider getting married to her at this point. If its bad now how bad do you think it will be if you marry her feeling the way that you do?
I consider myself to be a very spiritual person and respect all religions and faiths, but after being forced to go to Catholic lesson and the Catholic church till I graduated and moved out of my parent's house at 17, I have little tolerance for having religion shoved down my throat. I can't tolerate it. I feel for you. If you can't work things out (and its not sounding too good) save yourself alot of trouble and end things NOW.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (16 September 2015):
 Hi,your partner must understand, that you are 'you' and she cannot force religion upon you, nor 'her' religious convictions.It's up to you, to sit her down and have a serious talk with her. You must tell her everything that you're feeling and have been feeling for a long time.If, after you've spoken to her, she still acts/feels the same way toward 'you', then you know what you must do as a man, as an individual.It's nice to have our own beliefs and it's ok to have beliefs, but what's not ok, is when somebody who is a religious person and/or convert, suddenly decides to act holier thou art and try to ram all things religious down our throats and in our faces.What is even much more annoying, is when the religious person thinks they are better than us, hence trying to make us feel bad about ourselves and trying to make themselves look/feel better, especially in the eyes of others.I can tell you, i have had this happen to me within the church, yes! and even within my own immediate family, so i can say, it is a very unpleasant situation and i won't sit around, being made to feel somewhat inferior, or wicked, evil and dirty, simply because i don't attend Sunday missal weekly.You know the old saying, within the church is where you'll find the biggest hypocrites and there are more judgements made within the church than anywhere else.I believe in God, so too, my partner, but we don't see the need to preach, to brainwash each other, nor anybody else.Your partner is carrying past guilt, i'm sure, but she may have been made to feel inferior by many, perhaps even within her family/church, so she is now trying to fix her life up/make amends with God.I am almost certain, a number of people within her family and/or church, have put her up to this, to some degree, especially if she is a wee bit gullable.I say this because of her sudden change, turnaround and deep religious convictions.What's interesting though, is that she didn't display these beliefs and feelings toward you, even in wee doses, over the past 6+ yrs.Finally, i suspect you would wish to leave breaking up, as a last resort, as you've been together for over 6 yrs now, but if your partner has changed so much and she won't come to any reasonable, nor respectful compromise/s, then it won't work, i'm sorry to say.That is obviously why you're getting fed up with your relationship and in some ways, feel turned off, feel a need to get out.There again, you're writing to us seeking advice, so a part of you must still care.I wish you all the very best and please let me know how you get on. I'd like to know. :-)
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (16 September 2015):
Good sir,
I have no idea what kind of religion you and your wife have been following. Fools have taken religion and completely corrupted it to the point where people hate it....THAT IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL. Not being in love.
Let's get this religion un-confused for a second...first of all...read this since you say you have studied religion...
James 1:23
"What God the Father considers to be pure and genuine religion is this: to take care of orphans and widows in their suffering and to keep oneself from being corrupted by the world."
Notice...it's not about bashing people over the head and forcing them to believe. You say you are spiritual but not religious. Now that is nonsense...That's like saying you are human but neither male or female. Spirituality comes from GOD, not humans, not books. You cannot be spiritual with out GOD in your life.
Here comes the kicker...this is what you and your soon to be wife have been arguing about...and it is found where??? The same Bible you all "claim" to read...
1 Corinthians 7:12
if a Christian man has a wife who is an unbeliever and she agrees to go on living with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a Christian woman is married to a man who is an unbeliever and he agrees to go on living with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made acceptable to God by being united to his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made acceptable to God by being united to her Christian husband. If this were not so, their children would be like pagan children; but as it is, they are acceptable to God. 15 However, if the one who is not a believer wishes to leave the Christian partner, let it be so. In such cases the Christian partner, whether husband or wife, is free to act. God has called you to live in peace.
*Note* "God has called you to live in peace."
You guys sound real peaceful...So If you both cannot live in PEACE, then you know what you need to do.
Reading and understand are two different things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): If you're not into religion and don't like her transformation; end the relationship. If she's constantly preaching and proselytizing day in and day out; she is no longer the lady you used to know. Over forty, when we make a change like that; it's usually for life. You both deserve to be with like-minded people at this stage in life.
You don't have to deal with it; if she has become a religious zealot, and you no longer can see eye to eye. Her intention is to convert you; and if that isn't going to happen, you know where the door is. You haven't put a ring on it, and you seemed ambivalent as to whether you're officially engaged or not.
Well, what's your decision? I guess you've got to make one.
We can't tell you what to do. It all depends on how much you can tolerate.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 September 2015):
 I have no problems with people who become involved with church activities and to help out society. I have problems with people who become arrogant because of religion and think they are better than others. I think the reason why she became like this is because the church discriminates against single moms. Every time a single mom goes to a new church, the members look at her as if she goes there to beg for money and free food. As she had been religious before, she has this inferior complex. If she had been a wild child then reformed, she had been made to feel shamed about her past so her being gung ho about religion is to compensate for her past. She went too far. Instead of not wanting people to look down on her, she looks down on people who are not religious.
Don't be afraid to voice your own opinion of what you think. Tell her that she missed the point of what religion is about and you no longer feel good about being with her. Many men had experience reborn christian wives and a lot of them had to come here and lament that there is no sex life after marriage. Yes, a lot of people end engagements. She's mostly marrying you to end her dreaded single mom status.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): No Religion should be rammed down someone's throat what ever religion it may be. It makes me sick to have the holier than thou talk and today we hear it at every turn from many religions. I am not an atheist but i am quietly and deeply aware of my own belief/faith and no one needs to know it but me.
The world will be engulfed in ramming religion soon, look on the bright side at least yours is obviously open to discussion.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 September 2015):
"Charlene, let's discuss religion, faith, belief and this relationship. Obviously, you have found your faith and reconnected with your religion.
"I have done my best to keep silent about how I feel about this change in you. However, as you have repeatedly informed me that I am wrong and stupid and apparently listening daily to Satan. That I am lost and ignorant.
"Let me tell you what I think about religion in general and specifically about how your practice of it right now is affecting me and our relationship, and I will be frank and honest and open.
"I have been keeping quiet about this because I hoped this was a phase you were going through but it's becoming clear that this is something that you feel very strongly about.
[Explain your beliefs, feelings, convictions, opinion of religion and that sect of Christianity (as you mention Satan it's likely to be one of the sects of Christianity). Do not pull punches. Lay it out. You've been keeping it in too long.]
"Now that I've pretty well demonstrated that I'm not going to convert to your faith nor will I be willing to involve myself in this sect you've chosen to follow, let's discuss how things will work out for us going forward."
Why would you keep silent for so long? Because you are "engaged"? Because you fear disappointing family and friends? So what? You don't have a date set, there are no gifts to send back, and even if there were, people end engagements all the time.
Just talk to her. If you can't then this relationship is dead in the water anyway.
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