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female
age
41-50,
*larkie
writes: Hi I wonder if you can help me......I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, lived together for over 2 years and plan to marry next year. When we are getting on, things are great but when they arnt, they are very bad and we seem to be falling out all the time, over petty stupid things.Its not always anybodies fault but we just seem to rub eachother up the wrong way. We do have some issues that are bought up in arguments alot of the time - I found out that he had been going on dating sites and had even emailed on woman to ask her to meet him. I find this very hard to get over as it was pre-meditated that was going on for a while and not just a drunken one off mistake. I know that he has stopped this but it is very hard to block it out my mind and has made me very feel very insecure and inadequate, especailly as it was around the time we had decided to get married.Anyway, not all the arguments stem from this, those ones are easier to understand its just the petty ones that wont stop and they always lead to things being dramatise (mainly on my partners part) and get so out of hand that they carry on for days and it is petty and immature. I try so many times to tell him to leave it and that i am not having a stupid argument over nothing, but it keeps on happening and it feels like we are saying the same things to each other every few weeks. Im not blaming him for all the arguments, every couple have little arguments but i blame him for the way they escalate to this. When it gets to the point that he will go way over the top, then try to turn it on my saying i dont love him etc, which makes me mad as I have never done anything to hurt him (unlike he has to me!).An example is today, I went home at lunch and we wernt on great terms but i wanted to go home, act normal and hope that we would be ok but as soon as I say something, he makes a childish comment that causes conflict and we end up back at square one. Then the texts start with the same old things being said. It really is driving me insane.I have told him if he dosnt want me then to stop messing me about and wasting both our times, if he does love me then why does he make every little argument into a big drama? but he always turns it saying i dont love him. to me the whole thing is childish and there seems nothing i can do to stop this vicious circle. Nothing we fall out about is worth all this agro. I try my hardest to not fall out but sometimes he is so difficult and uptight and bites my head off at the slightest thing, and i wont take any sh*t so we fall out!Any suggestions on how we can stop this petty squabbling and how I can get over these insecurities and move on? Please help!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2007): First off, I am concerned about you living with a guy who is e-mailing women on dating sites, in fact I think your living together arrangement (instead of marriage) is probably an indication of the maturity level present in this relationship as you both have chosen a relationship that you can easily leave at any time and you both know it, but you have become very dependent on each other because you live together and share a household and have combined your lives without a permanent commitment...that in itself leads to problems mostly because it fuels your insecurities about the relationship and the relationship becomes a needed relationship instead of a wanted relationship, which is not all that healthy.
If you choose to carry on this way at the very least you both need to learn to fight fair....it is ver important that you have a goal for your arguments, a time limit and end with a better understanding of the issue and each other, not just end it with a veiled threat, etc.
You need to ask yourselves what are we trying to accomplish wtih this argument, you need to stay on topic and not dredge up stuff in the past that does not really apply, you need to not attack each other's personality or character, but to stay on topic and discuss behaviors that are a problem or disagreements and come to a compromise or an understanding of the other's point of view. If you can't stop doing these destructive things, then each of you hold a bandanna and wave it at the other when you attack, bring up non topic issues or start stonewalling as a way to signal the other to stop doing that....sounds dumb but it just might help you stay on track with the discussion at hand.
A lot of time petty arguments mask a deeper issue, you are really not fighting about that little stuff you are fighting about disagreements over money, sex, family, friends, relationship commitment, etc the bigger issues, so sit down with each other and try to figure out what is really on your minds and hearts.
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