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female
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anonymous
writes: My fiance and I have been together for 11 years (but only engaged for about 2). He's a professional athlete and travels quite a bit for his career, which I've never minded, as I've always supported him and his career. At the beginning of July, he left for a month-long tour of the UK. For about 2 months or so before he left, we had been fighting constantly. At each other's throats, being horrible to each other. It was almost a relief to have a month apart, though I did miss him while he was gone. When he came home a few days ago, he told me that he's been unhappy with the state of our relationship for far longer than the 2 months previously mentioned, and that if we couldn't "work things out" then maybe it would be best if we went our separate ways. That he can't continue to be unhappy, etc. And honestly, I never saw it coming. His suggestion is to take a couple of months and see what we can do to fix things and make them better, and that we both need to work on it. Which would be fine, except it seems that he's sabotaging all attempts to do so. Communication is nearly impossible, as every time I attempt to have a rational, adult conversation with him about the situation, he either shuts down or becomes almost mocking, like I'M nagging HIM. I should also mention that it is my nature to stress and to worry. I'm a champion worrier. It's what I do. So when a bombshell such as this is dropped on me, my reaction is to talk it to death, which seems to have a negative effect on everything. He doesn't want to talk about it, he just wants to see what happens. But I don't see how we can fix it if he refuses to talk, or to listen when I talk. He's half of my heart, and I don't want to lose him, but I'm starting to feel as though it may be a losing battle.
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female
reader, Granny +, writes (5 August 2006):
 You poor girl, still here's my advice for what it's worth. Now is the time to take a deep breathe and step back. He has dropped his bombshell, he needs distance so please now give it to him or you will lose him. Normally I would be the first to encourage more communication - often on this site the agony aunts always go for MORE communication. But in your case, I am sorry to say, you BF has given you a clear message about needing to sort things out. He has not said goodbye. You admit to being a worry-wort. Now calm down and face this situation sensibly. Don't question him all the time, don't try to get him to talk about it - he will see this as nagging, you know. As a professional athlete, he will be receiving critisism and pressure about everything he does from so many directions. When he is with you, I believe, he is looking for a centre of quiet and peace at home. I can talk about this, honey, because I work for a national sporting federation. Show him that you can be a calm and strong center of support. Hide - or better still, master your worrying side. You have been together for 11 years so you have a good basis for a slow and steady development in this new phase of your relationship. Things get hard for athletes as they get older, he is probably no longer driven so much by adrenaline and testosterone. He probably wants the relationship just to change a gear too. If you really love him, stop worrying, stay cool. I wish you all the very best xxx
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