A
female
age
36-40,
*yisha
writes:Hi guys,I'm revisiting this website after yet another abusive relationship that has ended in tears. Sorry if this drags on a bit!I initiated the break-up of my engagement last week (just before Xmas!!) after my fiancé flipped whilst he was on drugs. He then followed up my initial concern with an outright decision not to marry me, because I had ruined everything by politely reacting to him calling me a liar (whilst he was on drugs), after he was looking forward to everything. I have been in this relationship for around 9/10 months (not long I know, cultural reasons apply), but as it had been an LDR (long-distance relationship) I've rarely been with him up close and personal, and not seen him for 7 months. Instead we used the phone and messenger. Any attempt at communication was usually done on my part, racking up moderate phone bills and staying up late for him. I would often wait for him to come online for hours after he promised, only for him to pull a no show or make an excuse about work. Don't think it was an affair though; I'm more or less 100% sure this never happened and it was work-induced due to his situation. During the latter stages of the relationship, I have found myself attracted to other men, mainly due to the neglect.I'm really intrigued over my different response to previous partners, as coming out of any abusive relationship that may or may not be at the engagement/marriage stage is really difficult, as I would know. My last ex-boyfriend before this forced me to have sex, which took me some time to get over.My late fiancé didn't do this, but he had been both physically and emotionally abusive towards me, and I now recognise that I was trying to leave the relationship back in its early stages, if it weren't for my blindness and forgiveness. There were the same signs of abuse back then.But despite the usual shouting, name-calling, blame/silent games, mood swings, jealousy and one time of assault (I've made a tedious list, he checks most of the boxes of an abuser), the majority of the relationship was blissfully without these, and I thought he had got better. I loved him dearly! But he's basically reverted and shown sudden signs of drug-induced paranoia (saying I'm a witch because of my religion and claiming I'm out to hurt his family - most of the early relationship negatives were also whilst he was under drugs or stress), withdrawn since the split (last week), and left me 5 days before my wedding without any closure, although I was the one to confirm the end of the relationship. Luckily this was only a religious wedding, small and inexpensive, and I should be able to claim most of the travel/honeymoon costs, save a couple of hundred which he has refused to pay back (stealing/financial control is the other one on the list!)I've already had some good advice from friends and people who have been through this, but I just wanted to check mine and his reaction to all this. Why did he flip at me after I had done nothing wrong and change his character so suddenly after he had been so wonderful? Was it down to drugs (cannabis)? Why did he refuse to talk it through, especially after initially picking up the phone to me (but keeping mostly silent whilst the call was still going)? Mind games?I've only cried twice, shown no sign of regret, loads of independence and the will to move on within a day, and no bother over spoilt plans, even though I've been through hell and high water to recover what I can of wedding/honeymoon costs, let alone the psychological ones. Was the lack of intimacy the reason why I have NO heartbreak whatsoever, just the occasional 'morning blues'? After all this, do you think I should give him a second chance after a no contact/cooling off period? I'm pretty stubborn anyway, but I'm also more educated about abuse since last time, and I know people don't change overnight. Would you allow the possibility of reconciliation, or just see this as yet another case of 'lucky to get out'? At this stage I'm definitely thinking no contact, the opposite of which will obviously put him back in the driving seat! Thanks! xxxx
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affair, drugs, emotionally abusive, jealous, liar, move on, period, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Before I give my response, I found this website:
http://www.angriesout.com/family1.htm
It's a brilliant first step in discovering why we psychologically put ourselves in this vulnerable position, and let nasty people take advantage of our good intentions.
Sadly, I have not been well so my judgements have been impaired, and my ex-fiancé took advantage of my illness and low self-esteem (I have had anxiety and a host of stress-related disorders for years now, and my ex-fiancé, after once supporting me over this, then called me sick in the brain, using my mental illness/disability/insecurities against me). It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone, and something I cannot forgive. He was never able to commit, because of the terrible person he is, but also because he puts work/drugs before those he is supposed to care about. I have reason to believe that his previous long-term relationships broke down for the same reason of utter neglect on his behalf, so I'm glad I got out. I won't be returning as far as I can see. Agree Abella, leopards don't change their spots indeed.
Thanks to everyone for the advice on all aspects; it's also nice to have drug info too because I didn't realise how cannabis, which so many people see as a soft/casual drug, causes such defects in a personality. I currently have friends who are being really supportive, one of whom has been through this and is being so loving, even though I'd class him as a 'transition person' (and a work colleague, a new friend). Those are people that help you through a tough time who may or may not be part of your past or future friendships. But I'm definitely holding on to people like that. My self-esteem has taken such a bashing that I often think 'Why is he/she being so nice to me?'. It's disturbing that I think like that, but I'll conquer it in time. I deserve to be loved and cared about.
I've decided to be careful about getting into relationships now, and I certainly won't be doing this until I have got help (Abella). It's something I have been trying to do for years to no avail. I've been referred to see a psychologist and also have a bunch of handy numbers for counsellors, some of which deal with cultural issues that are tied up in a lot of the problematic relationships I have had in the last few years. The most difficult one is a familial one, which unfortunately is a whole new story of domestic abuse/violence, but I'm sparing you that one for another day ;)
Once I resolve the main sources of my anxiety and stress, I can finally move on and pursue wholesome and fulfilling relationships. I will not think twice about entering into another relationship whilst my judgement is impaired as it is now. But I'm not going to let my illness hold me back neither. All I can say is, life can only get better from here on, so watch this space :) God bless all of you for helping me when I was in need xxxx
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Hi Ayisha,
What a shocking roller coaster you have been put through. His appalling behavior is so disrespectful to you.
A leopard does not change his spots quickly. I think he is not the man you thought him to be. And the drugs is a No No No. And I do not sense a real physical attraction between the two of you. Suggest you do not allow intimacy as I do not sense any commitment to you, by him. In those circumstances intimacy would not bring you closer, just delay the inevitable train wreck.
This is a relationship barely on life support, with the heart monitor line already flat lining. I think he will be happier pursuing short term girls in the clubs, because I do not sense he is ready for the responsibility of a committed relationship.
I think you can find a nicer guy than him. Though you do need to analyse why history is repeating in your relationships. Taking him back would be a mistake, i think, based on all you have detailed.
Be thankful your children will not be fathered by this man. The break up was inevitable. And good that it happened sooner, not later. How could he be a caring, kind role model as a father, when he is soooo immature and selfish?
Even if there were cultural reasons the arrangement should ensure your man is respectful. And he did not show much interest in the lead up to the marriage. Even if his work was very busy I would expect more interest and courtesy than he showed.
I think it is time for you to play a very active part in you deciding what essentials, qualities, traits, values and attitudes you want in a man. Even if it is an arranged marriage you should still contribute to the list of what you want in a husband, for a lifetime of happiness.
Sometimes a LDR means that you don't see the full depth of the person until it's almost too late. And you have to put up with limited contact. Verbal and written and occasionally web can. But there are things you don't see. And those things help you to slowly see the person and decide if you even like then. Then you learn to trust them. See how they communicate with others. How others react to them. And it is a slow progression work through how your head feels and how your heart feels as you move along in the relationship.
I think this man has been holding back his real self from you. In the end the pressure got to him. And he could not maintain the lie. I think it all blew up inside him when he could not keep up a fake facade that is not him.
The drugs and disrespect is more likely the real him.
Better that you discovered all this before not after the marriage.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (28 December 2010):
 hi
do you blame the drugs for his personality problems? you may not feel like this now but by calling off the wedding he has actually done you a big favour, even if it is just a case of having a bit of time to sort out these problems. i would drop him now and do what i needed to do to get over him but i am not gonna advise you that coz thats just too simplistic and i'm sure you love him to much for that or else you woldnt be here asking for advice. if you MUST give him another chance make it clear that its his last chance! give him a choice, its either drugs you coz he aint having both. stick to your word. first sign of drug taking or behaviour that you think may be drug induced - dump him - for good. is this really the sort of man you want to commit to or to be the father of your children?? plenty more men in the world, you don't have to settle with one who is so wrong for you!
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Hi, if you actually didn't SEE him that often (as you said yourself), to be short and as a marijuana addict myself I think a lot of the erraticness is due to the drug use. He would no doubt have been using a hell of a lot more than you would realise not being in close physical contact with him. This would explain his absences for hours/days at a time, too stoned to care or think about anything else. My goal for 2011 is to get off it, it really is an evil weed that has you trapped 4 years b4 u realise what's going on. and i think it sounds like that's what you are dealing with - so multiple personalities basically depending if he had just smoked (be happy), waiting on a deal (anxious/agitated), about to run out of smoke and not sure when you're getting more.....see all these things that non-smokes would never think about (lucky you)!
good luck hun, u deserve true happiness!!!!
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