A
male
age
41-50,
*ct007
writes:Before I start I have posted this message on a couple of sites, I could do with as much help as possible with this.I would appreciate some advice please regarding my recent relationship break-up. Please be as blunt as you like as I just don’t know where to turn with it all!Right….My fiancé left me in May 2010 and our wedding day was set for September 2010. We had been together for 3 years and whilst together we had a brilliant relationship and both got on very well. We did all the things a normal couple would do during their relationship. Meals, holidays, movies etc. Ok, to the break-up…During the final few Months of our relationship I was drinking heavily at Weekends. I was under pressure at work, mortgage to pay, financial difficulties and obviously a wedding to plan. I would get home on a Friday from work and drink almost constantly until the Sunday. My fiancé was a big drinker too and we would often get drunk together whilst watching a movie etc. This wasn’t an issue until I started to turn nasty after several drinks! Now, I am the most down to earth person you could wish to meet. I wouldn’t say boo to a goose and hate confrontations of any kind, but one night I snapped at my fiancé which understandably upset her. I will tell you now that I never laid a finger on her, every time I snapped it was verbally aggressive, not physical (I’m not trying to justify this, but there is a big difference between the two). Anyway my fiancé ended up going to her friends until the following morning where she came home to me and I apologised and made up with her. Everything was brilliant again for a few weeks until it happened again. Then again, and again! Obviously by this point she had lost a lot of trust in me and decided she needed to stay at her friends until I sorted my drinking issues out. She also recommended that we put the wedding on hold during this period, which I was obviously in agreement with. Things just couldn’t carry on the way they were.During the period whilst she was staying with friends we met up on several occasions for walks, picnics and meals. Whilst we met it was just like we were a real couple again. It was perfect.We then arranged to meet again and she had work commitments which I totally understood and dint have a problem with at all. We re-arranged for a few days later and again she had commitments. It had been over two weeks since we had seen each other and I was really upset and I was missing her very much. I did the stupid thing and hit the bottle to drown my sorrows. I knew this was a stupid thing to do, but it was the only thing I knew would take the horrible depression away. Once I was drunk I sent her a nasty text telling her she needs to get her priorities sorted. She then told me it was over.I was absolutely gutted and I was so, so upset that I had effectively forced her to make this decision due to my stupidity and selfishness. I did the silly thing and immediately started pleading and begging her for a second chance. She refused this and I slipped into a horrible depressive state. I started drinking again, I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, was on meds for my depression and I honestly couldn’t think life could get so bad! I cut off contact for a few weeks then asked again, she refused again. Again I left her alone for a few weeks and asked her again to which she refused again. During this time I had spoken with mutual friends and her family who told me how upset she was about what had happened and that she really wanted to marry me and have a family together. I couldn’t believe I could have been so stupid to allow the girl of my dreams to despise me so much.Since all this had happened I realised I had to make a change else I would end up in the gutter. I attended counselling for my drinking, started eating healthily and getting some good, regular exercise. I’m still very upset about what has happened and think about her all of the time. She means the earth to me and I am lost without her. She is still living with her friends and have been told she is keeping well.A Week ago some mail of hers was delivered to the address we both lived in. I thought it was fair to text her to ask her what she wanted me to do with it. She said to bin it as she has changed her address for all important mail so it must be just junk. I was so pleased that she had replied to my text and we continued chatting via text for a while. She apologised for moving out and being a bit distant and I apologised for my drunken behaviour and for the nasty things I said to her and that I was attending counselling and getting my life back in order . She said she was off to a festival with her friends and I told her I was going camping with mine. I was the happiest I had been in Months and I was made up that we were communicating again. We exchanged smiles and x’s on our texts which was brilliant. I text her again after the festival she went to and we had a good chat via text about the bands she had seen etc. Again, I was so happy that we were communicating again. I thought I would leave it for a few days before texting again as I dint want to push my luck. I text her a few days ago to see how she was and she immediately replied saying she was ok etc. I asked her if she wanted to meet for a coffee and she said thanks for the offer, but she isn’t ready yet, that she was doing ok and I was too and maybe it wasn’t a good idea. I kinda felt a bit hurt by this but completely understood her reasons for not wanting to meet as it would take a lot for her to trust me again.I really don’t know what to do next and this is where I would appreciate some advice please. Shall I go no contact for a bit and give her some space and then try again? Will she contact me do you think? Was her message of “I’m not ready yet” a way of letting me down gently? I am sorry this story is so long, but I would give anything to get back with her. She means the world to me and I am hoping she will see the changes I have made and give me another chance.Thanks in advance.
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at work, drunk, fiance, period, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, mct007 +, writes (2 September 2010):
mct007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your encouraging response.
I've started to leave my phone st home whilst I am at work, the temptation to text her is too strong!
I will leave it at no contact for now, ive made it clear to her that I would be interested in meeting up, so the ball is in her court now.
I have been staying with my mum since we broke up. I have found it easier to cope away from the memories of the house we shared together. My mum is away for a week in September and I am throwing a BBQ for my friends. I will be sending a blanket text to everyone to invite them to come. Should I include her in that text do you think? How long should I leave it until I do contact her again, or should I just leave it till she comes to me?
The wedding day should have been this Saturday (4th September) and I am dreading it! I am going away to stay at friends and will be leaving my phone at home to avoid contacting her!
Thanks again, it means alot.x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): No contact at all is best. Then you will know if she contacts you then she wants to be with you but you simply havnt given her chance to really miss you. get on wiyh your life and keep busy. if its meant to be then she will be in touch. as hard as this is,and trust me i know, you have to be patient. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): Listen mate, you are in with a chance. All you have to do is take it slow and KEEP AWAY FROM THE DRINK. Just don't drink and say something silly.
Just keep with the cycle. Give it a few days, text her, keep things simple. straightforward. Talk about things that are not deep. Do not mention the relationship, do not ask to meet up or to try again. Think like you are courting her and just take it slow. You will see that if you just go wit the flow one day she will text you without you having to text her first and also let her make the first move in terms of a meet up. Remember when you were together you two had a great relationship! So she WILL remember that. You just have to show her that you have gone back to who you were before you lost your head with the drink business!
Look I really think you are in with a great chance ! Good luck. Keep us posted.
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