A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been having some issues lately. First, let me say, I want advice on how to make it work, or at least try, I don't want to be told to just "give up." I want to try everything I can before we just call it quits because we do love each other.We were going to get married in June, but we've decided to make it a long engagement. He's lied to me... a lot. But for the MOST part about stupid things. Like smoking or something small like that. We got into a fight one night and he told his friend I was a bitch and annoying, but he said he never meant it. I'm currently in Florida and he's in New Jersey. I had to move from Jersey to Florida due to family issues. He has offered to come down here, and has visited, but it would be very hard for him. It would be even harder for me to move there, but we're currently trying to work that out.He also lied to me about a girl. They would cuddle, she would lay her head on him when they watched TV or something. He wasn't usually alone with her, but it did happen. They never did anything else. They talked a lot. See the thing is, that girl was best friends with a girl that has never liked me, and my fiance would talk to her about things going on with us, so she would always tell him he was right and he never did anything wrong, and would encourage him to do the things that upset me. One night they cuddled and she kissed him and he kissed back, but pulled away and completely moved away. He told me about it, too. And cried and told me how wrong it felt and he was so sorry. He truly is terrified of losing me. I can tell by the way he acts when I even get close to bringing it up. He's done a few things for me. He came to visit me, he gave me the most beautiful ring ever. He tells me all the time he loves me and all the things he loves about me and how I'm so beautiful and gorgeous. He says he wants to spend his life with me and start a family with me and everything.But, I feel like he takes me for granted. Like he doesn't respect my feelings or feels like he can do whatever he wants and I won't leave him. I've put up with a lot from him, like the lying and the cheating, but I feel like I'm the only one trying to fix anything. He always says, "I don't know," And gets so upset and paniced and never can say or do anything, so I always just tell him not to worry about it, because it's not like we can talk about much when he's crying. I keep telling him over and over he needs to learn to fix things himself. He needs to learn to stand up for himself because he does anything and everything people tell him to do (except me of course!) and doesn't know how to say no! And he's so incredibly shy. He always says he "CAN'T" think of things or do anything to fix things and says how stupid he is, but he's not stupid!We've recently taken a short "break" from each other. We're just going to take time to ourselves to figure things out and think about things, but I need some outside advice. I've found myself getting more and more frustrated with him and just feeling so tired and not even wanting to talk about our relationship because I feel like it won't change anything. And, I have a hard time trusting him. I know part of trust is being able to trust the other person, and he tells me what he's doing at all times without me even asking, but, I'm just worried.I hate being frustrated with him, and I miss being able to just talk about things. We used to be so close and so happy. I use to feel so loved and appreciated. I've tried talking, in person and over the phone, I've tried writing emails, I've screamed and cried... I don't know what else to do.So please. Help. I don't want to give up until I've tried everything, and this is my last resort. So please. Any and all advice would be WONDERFUL. Thank you all so much.
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best friend, fiance, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): For the most part it important you both to realize that each of you are going through a hard time. Don't, for one moment, think that "your" issues are more important than the other. I've been in relationships where the girl can only see her side and she felt like she was doing everything even though I knew better and I felt like I was doing everything.
I think at some point you guys just have to get back together because the distance is painful and makes these issues worse. The more time and distance away will affect you both differently. He may feel like he is doing everything he can to make things better. From what you have said about him, he's been doing a lot in trying to patch things up.
A break would help but similarly although the result may not favor the other.
Well there's a lot of stuff I would analyse but my advice now is to try to spend a lot of time together. A holiday, an extended vacation, something. IF he doesn't see why he should, explain using simple words that you miss him and want to spend time with him. Leave the complicated issues for later. Right now I think you both need a huge dose of each other.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Both of you should go on a holiday together and do your rebonding.It is relaxing and can build up your love again.
I believe a holiday together will rejuvenate your spirits and recharge your love life.
All the best to you .
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 March 2010):
No disrespect, and I know you didn't want to hear this, but you have done everything you can. There isn't anything left that you can do. I can't think of anything to suggest, because you've already done it all. Re-read your post, and you'll see what I mean. Let's go through the list.
He has lied. It doesn't matter that it was small. He still lied.
He has called your names.
He lied about this girl, and kissed her. You say it was her telling him to do it. I say that he made the decision to cheat, not her.
He doesn't seem to want to fix it, and can't think of anything, relying solely on you.
You feel taken for granted, because you are.
And to top it off, you have already done the talking, the phoning, the emails, the screaming, and the crying.
This isn't just a small list of little things that can be fixed. This is a huge list of very good reasons not to marry this man. You even say that you're frustrated and no longer know what to do. I'm not surprised, because you've done all you can. You are sadly right, this won't change. If it hasn't changed after this time, it just won't. I'm sorry to say it, but my advice now is to move on.
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