A
female
age
36-40,
*ontGiveUp
writes:My fiance and I have been together for 3 and a half years. We have had many ups and downs. He has severe anxiety and depression. I always seem to be insecure and sometimes fit the stereotype of the "psycho girlfriend" I guess you could say. He has betrayed my trust 3 times each time seeming to get worse. Which fuels me into being the "psycho girlfriend". The first time was just telling other girls they were gorgeous and pretty much acting like a single guy talking to girls. The second time he was talking to 2 girls he knew from before he met me telling them he was in love with them and one that he was torn between me and her. Both of these occurred online (myspace) and from me snooping because I knew something was going on I found out. He apologized profusely for this and swore he did not mean it, he loved me, wanted to marry me, promised me it would never happen again, promised that if he had an issue with me again he would come to me about it not talk to other girls and betray me again. He had me convinced that was the way it was and if I ever doubted him he would flip out and yell at me for not getting over it. The second betrayal happened after we got engaged and I had given him my virginity so it really really devastated me and I have still not quite let it go. Now we have been making plans for the future, getting an apartment together (before we were living together at my parent's house), and just got a family share plan for our phones. I have been paying for it since he was in the army, went awol, and has now turned himself in to fix the whole situation. So currently he is away from me. We have been fighting a lot more recently because he is super stressed out from being back there and every little thing seems to make him go from 0-100 and he starts flipping out and being really nasty to me...but he blames me for it saying that if I didnt push him to the point of having a panic attack he wouldnt say all those things to me. I really dont try to push him...but I dont think I should have to walk on eggshells or have to agree with him all the time. Anyway, he has been texting other girls and getting pictures from them. I found this out because once again I felt he was lying to me so I snooped and looked at our bill online where you can see all the numbers you have corresponded with. He blamed me for that as well saying that when he talks to me all I do is stress him out, think Im right about everything and put my 2 cents in and he wanted to talk to someone who didnt stress him out. I dont think Im right about everything...he seems to be so stressed that he is twisting everything around. He is blaming me for everything that is wrong in our relationship. He also says that if he wants female friends he's going to have them and theres nothing I can do about it. I dont have a problem with that. I DO have a problem with him being inappropriate, flirting, and opening up to other girls when he should be doing that with only me...plus I have a huge problem with paying for the phone plan that he is using to do this with. He says he didnt flirt with her and the pictures she sent weren't naked pictures or anything like that...but if he was just talking to her then why would they be sending pictures to each other? That makes me think he is not telling me the truth of what exactly went on between him and these girls.I dont want to be without him even though he has truly broken my heart and I feel like I am ruined. I cant give up on all the good things we have together. I just dont know what to do at this point. I really need help. He says he does not want to be with me unless I change and stop pushing him (his definition of pushing is me not letting him get off the phone when he is angry...which I am working on and doing a lot better with). I dont want to be made a fool of time and time again. How do I know what is real and what isnt? The mean nasty things he says to me and the flirting with other girls...or him telling me he is madly in love with me and wants to start a family with me. What should I do now?
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female
reader, WontGiveUp +, writes (17 March 2009):
WontGiveUp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input. There is now a whole other set of issues at hand which Im going to have to put up a whole new question about.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): Dear Won't Give Up, only you know when it is time to try again and when it is time to walk away.
I think from the sounds of your fiance being stressed and telling you he will have female friends and you can't stop him.....he is not ready to be in a serious relationship or to get married. He has issues with intimacy and lots of them.
You do need to stop pushing him when he is angry. It is always better to revisit the issues when you can both speak face to face in a relaxed atmosphere and when both of you have had time to calm down.
It sounds like you two have created some pretty negative relationship patterns, you don't trust him and he gets offended by that. Trust is the number one thing men need from their partners, and you aren't fulfilling that need. On the other hand he is not being respectful of your feelings and appreciating you, which is your biggest need from him. So you two are in a viscious cycle.
He sounds too immature to get that you are talking about issues that come up in your relationship because you care about the relationship. There is really three things here, you, him and the relationship. A mature guy would just get this and would be willing to communicate on these with you without feeling "pressure".
He doesn't really sound like a good bet for marriage. He has a lot of growing up to do.
Why do you feel "ruined". That is a lot of pressure you are putting on yourself. And you mention that you haven't forgiven him for a betrayal of trust, well if you haven't then you are contaminating the relationship yourself.
If you really want to see if this relationship will work out, then I suggest you ask him to go to counseling with you....premarital counseling, I think you both need it.
If he is unwilling to do that, then go by yourself, I think it will help you find the answers as to what to do now.
No one can really tell you what to do, but you do need help in figuring things out and making decisions for your self. If he is acting like a complete baby, then I would back off, really lean back from him, not care what he is doing and focus on you. Start doing the things that make you happy even if that means you do those things without him and then let him know how happy you are about those things and changes in yourself that you are working on.
If he doesn't mean to marry you, then start dating other men, even if it is just to have coffee.....he has the right to take as long as he needs to decide on you, but he doesn't have the right to make you wait on him or to have you all to himself if he isn't honoring the engagement.
His attitude about the other women is a real red flag that he is not committed to you and the marriage idea.
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A
female
reader, jerseyjan +, writes (15 March 2009):
You say that he hollers at you if you bring up his past flitations, yet he is the one who broke the trust.
I really believe l learned from years of experience that you cannot have a relationship or good relationship without that trust.
I would not let the nasty things he says to you slip by, after all would you say those things to him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life loosing your self-respect.
You deserve better than that.
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