A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-think-i-mistook-loving-her-for-just.htmlThis situation is somewhat similar to mine, except in my situation, I am in fact the girl who has fallen for the other, if that makes sense. When I read the reply, I nearly cried. I thought, ‘So I wasn’t being out of order or doing the wrong thing. Asking for space because I can’t move on otherwise, is an alright thing to do.”But… even though I know that I’m not in the wrong… things still aren’t as simple as that. The relationship with my best friend is… rocky, to say the least. I don’t know what it is that’s keeping us together, (especially as I’ve expressed wishes to leave it for now), for we commonly argue, then make-up, then argue, then make-up… and that loop never seems to end. (Functioning friendships shouldn't do that, right?) I admit, I’m normally the one who would apologise first. I just can’t bare the thought of leaving the friendship on bad terms, so that even after I’m ‘over her’ as it’s put, I won’t be able to approach her to renew our friendship.Our friendship does seem to function normally on one area though – I’m her shoulder to cry on. Whenever she has something wrong, she talks to me. I’ve never had a problem with that… the only problem I have now is that I’m sorting through my own issues, and as such am having a sort of emotional breakdown, of which worrying about her isn’t helping… but that’s a different story. Why does she talk to me? She has many other friends, I bet of which she doesn’t argue with as much if at all, but she still chooses me as her shoulder to cry on. Is she trying to make us closer, trying to play on the fact that I care about her, knowing that I wouldn’t leave her in a situation where she needs support…? I don’t know.But anyway, I’ve tried bringing up this issue of my feelings to her before. It didn’t go well, it started another argument. I asked for space, saying that I can’t be a good friend for her while I still have these feelings. She became angry, upset, some emotion like that. I never remember what was said, but I do remember the emotion. The fact that it caused an argument began that cycle again, where a little while later I apologized, and then we pretended it never happened. That brought me back to square one, but I couldn’t face the thought of never being able to be her friend again, as I’ve said.A little while ago, we were arguing about it (my feelings) again. She told me that the fact that I’m her best friend, and that I fancy her, bothers her (she never mentioned anything about me being female… trying not to hurt my feelings too much? She knows I’m sensitive about that). It never used to bother her, but it does now. Explanation? Suffice to say, I didn’t actually stick around for much more. I was hurt, a lot. It bothered me how she would tell me everything I couldn’t do a thing about in her life, but not the one thing that I could at least do something about (leaving for a bit). So frustrating…After that argument, it was the Christmas holidays, so I was able to spend time away from her anyway. When we came back to school, I said that I didn’t feel that way for her anymore. It was a lie, I know, but I didn’t know what else to do. She just told me that she was uncomfortable with the fact that I felt strongly towards her. My mind screamed at me to do something. I know now (I didn’t think at the time) that I might have done the wrong thing. I realize that with this lie in place, I have no reason to ask for space, so I’ll have to watch her finding love, being happy without me. If she finds out I’ve lied, that could also be bad. I really didn’t think this through. Did I do the wrong thing?When I look at the reply on that link, I think, ‘why can’t she understand that?’ Why can’t she see that being ‘just friends’ is really painful. I would never force her to be my girlfriend or anything like that (looking at the link again, I wouldn’t say I did or do any of the things that the girl the 'question-asker' told us about did – I would never make her feel bad about it, not intentionally. I wouldn’t say that I won’t be a relationship with someone else, because one day I know I’ll be able to shove this to the back of my mind and move on. And I really do want to be her friend; I just can’t feel anything more for her than friendship, for that to work). I really want my friend to be happy, and yes, I know that means she will eventually get a boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever, I don’t know her sexuality, we don’t talk about it. Trouble is, I want her to be happy… but I can’t stand around and watch. It hurts too much. It hurts enough knowing that she’ll never feel the same for me, but then to have to watch her fall for someone else… No, I can’t do that. More than anything I want her to understand, and end the friendship for now at least, but tell me that she values our friendship and that I’ll always be able to go back when, if, I’m ready.I’m sorry that this is so long, and looking back on it, it really is all over the place and disorganized. I do apologise, especially as I don’t know if there’s any way out of this (it doesn’t feel like it, but then situations like this, even simple ones, rarely do to the person experiencing them), so I’m afraid I could be wasting people’s time. Sorry.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): Being the poster of this question, I’m way overdue for saying something back. I just haven’t had the courage to look back on this lol.
Jager, I’m sorry for your situation, one that we both share. But you say that you can’t help, but you have. If anything, it organizes the options available to me. I’m grateful.
I’ve stuck to the lie, telling her that I don’t see her like that anymore. That lie has been in play for a couple of months, and things seem to be a little better. There isn’t that tension between us anymore that stemmed from what I felt, because she isn’t aware of it. I work hard to keep it out of our friendship. She might not believe the lie right now, but even her being uncertain is an improvement. As you said, “It might not be the right way of doing it but it is a way that can work.” I can’t go backwards and erase all the problems I’ve already unintentionally caused, but at least I won’t cause anymore.
I will admit, I had tried talking it out with her before I resorted to lying. It never helped. She didn’t want to acknowledge it, so it never got sorted, so it remained an issue.
I had to do something. It was destroying our friendship, and that was something I didn’t want to lose. It seems that she relies on me, and I don’t want to ever lose the confidence she has in me for something like this. Something that is up to me to control.
I don’t want to question or say who loves their best friend more, my friend. I love her more than she’ll ever want me to, and that hurts enough. I would sacrifice so much for her happiness, and throughout the years I’ve sacrificed all she’s needed. I let her take her frustration out on me, lend an ear whenever it’s required, just like any good friend - and I’m prepared to do so much more if she asked. I’ll willingly give up my happiness for hers. I will sacrifice any chance there is of love, just as long as she’s happy. The fact that I haven’t lost the friendship, that I can still be there for her is enough… I’ve watched her fall in love. She wouldn’t tell me, because she cared too much for me to talk about her personal life at all, but now she’s opened up a little. I can honestly say that I’m happy for her, because she’s happy herself. I will and have already given up my happiness for her. You’re right, that can work.
“You can hold on to the only thing you will ever have which is that friendship. You know you want more but you can’t have it and because you love them so much it’s enough.”
-I agree. Thank you.
A
male
reader, Jager +, writes (8 February 2009):
When i read this i feel the pain that i know i will feel for as long as i have a relationship with my best friend. Sometimes there are people in this world that we can not have. We may be totally stupid and fall in love with them. What you do when you fall in love with your best friend is entirely up to you. i have looked at the other post that you mentioned as well as this one. In both of these situations the other person (the best friend) knows there that you love them. If you can lie like you did you can go backwards. You can convince her you dont see her like that anymore. It might not be the right way of doing it but it is a way that can work. If you can not lie then good. But this means you have to talk it out with your best friend. Tell her that you do love her and fancy her but as she dont feel like that nothings ever going to happen. if you do love her enought to want to spend the rest of your life with her as her partner then you you dont love her as much as i love my best friend. When you love someone so much that you would rather sacrifice any chance of you loving them for them to be happy. When you can truly say that you would watch them fall inlove with another person so long as they were happy. That you would give up your own happiness for them. then it can work. You can hold on to the only thing you will ever have which is that friendship. You know you want more but you cant have it and because you love them so much its enough. Im sorry, i cant help you
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